Possibility of a (temporary) separation to come

@galfromaway would you feel better if you lived closer to your relatives?

An update.

Husband got back late Saturday night, and when we talked yesterday my gut feeling was right. He's talking about finding a room to rent for a couple of months so he can figure out himself - what's broken in him in the last year or so, and how to fix it. As soon as he got home, he was good for a bit - he and daughter were so happy to have him home, but it didn't take long for him to get snappy and withdrawn. My anxiety has been up the last couple of days - the few nights before he got home, I was starting to wake up at 3ish a.m., my mind racing.

I'm angry right now. That he's now ready to take steps and move forward with what he needs to do. That he was able to be around his family during this tough time, that he has supports geographically closer than I do. That he can go and do and be, and think about what he needs to think about. That he's getting back into the small petty things that are frustrating him.

I'm tired. And drained. And not sure where I'm going yet.

I am doing everything I can to keep our daughter's life as stable and consistent as possible. I know she feels the tension between husband and I, and I want to be there for her.

Off to my family doc today to see what supports she can give me. I'm back at the counsellor in two weeks, and am continuing to work on my homework. Started crochetting again too.

I hate how 2019 has ended, and how 2020 has begun.

Next update

We're going to talk tonight about separating, and how to tell our daughter.

The tension has been growing, and we're both struggling to communicate well. I react to his hostility, and I end up getting angry at him.

Feeling sad and lost.

The possibility has turned into reality.

Husband has found a room to rent, and will be moving there either this weekend or next weekend.

And we told daughter yesterday that we'll be separating. She is devastated, and feeling a lot of big feels right now. Last night at bedtime she asked some questions, but then burst into tears... "Why is this happening to me???"

It broke my heart. All I could do is hug her.

I'm having a hard time with this. I don't like the emotional gap there is between us, and he's still trying to figure out if he can build his half of the bridge to get us reconnected. He's been divorced before, and I know our situation is different, but to me him pulling away (even though it broke his heart to break the news to daughter) is an easy way out. And I'm angry that he's counting pennies where groceries are concerned (he does have a point about food waste), but somehow we can afford him to pay rent for a few months on top of our mortgage and other expenses.

I will be glad when we have our counselling appointment on Thursday morning.

I keep screwing things up and making things worse.

Husband gets frustrated when I don't talk to him or tell him how I'm feeling. Yesterday I told him what was going on in my head. He got incredibly angry at me... apparently I had been trying to put blame on him for things happening the way they are, which was not my intention. And he hates it when I send him emails with my thoughts, although that's the easiest way for me to get my thoughts out.

I end up thinking too much after I talk to my supports about what's going on, and I need to not communicate with husband after those calls and conversations. We got in a big fight last time too. So my automatic reaction is to not talk to anyone about what's going on.... but I need to talk to someone...

The more things go on, the closer we get to separating, the more I feel like I am too broken and he is too angry for us to reconcile. He keeps throwing in my face that things have been bad for many years. Terrible sex life since 2011. Anxiety bad the last 4 years. Always had problems with the way I clean the house.

Is there any point to trying?? Or is this just something else I'm f***ing up beyond repair?

A brief update.

Husband moved out on Saturday. It's been an up and down transition for sure. Daughter has been up and down - sad and missing daddy, but not wanting to talk to him, then changing her mind. We have a counselling appointment next Thursday. Our first one was last Thursday - was a challenge. The focus of that will be seeing if there's anything left to salvage.

Daughter goes to stay with him Saturday till Sunday. She's excited but I think she's still unsure. I've been getting a lot of "Why is this happening to me?" and "I wish daddy didn't have to leave" from her, along with "What if separation turns into divorce?" questions (that there's no answer for - too soon). Daughter's after school caregiver was asking if I can afford to stay in our house. My heart dropped at the question - we're not at that point.

I'm tired and drained and depleted, and unsure about all the uncertainty facing me. Like a tunnel that's lacking a light at the end.

I ended things with the counsellor I met - her schedule is too uncertain (she is a part time private practice and most of her time is focused on the public system) and I need stability and consistency right now.

I'm hoping but grieving but all mixed up, but wanting to be strong for my daughter.

I hope there's something we can do to resolve things...