Post break--Is he already with someone after only two weeks?
My boyfriend and I had been together for 2.5 years. Last September he moved to Africa for a temporary work assignment. He's been there for a year now.
We made long distance work because we were in constant contact with one another--via texting, FaceTime, etc. Plus, he was able to come back and visit (for work or vacation) 4-5 times a year.
We have had our share of fights--usually about time spent with one another. He would usually initiate a short break after them since he can't deal well with conflict. Somehow, we always patched things up and pushed to make things work. However, somethings go overlooked or unresolved. In his April visit, we fought about him not spending time with me and opting to be with his buddies (some of which I didn't meet). I had always been insecure about not meeting a wide range of his friends. After a period of silence after the fight, we resolved to patch things up again.
His next visit was in late July for my birthday. He brought his son along, it was his first time back since moving to Africa last September.
The first few days went well. We celebrated my birthday together. It was bliss. He even brought up (yet again) the prospect of coming to live with him. I had some issues to work out with at my job so we had to wait and see. But the invite was there.
He then called one day to let me know he was hanging with his boys. Something in me snapped, recalling the incident in the spring. I assumed he wouldn't get to spend time with me during this trip--between catching up with friends and being with family. I had been going through some difficult stress over work, which he had been supportive of, but during the visit, he didn't see how his absence was triggering isolation and anxiety in me.
I expressed anger and frustration. I didn't want to compete against his family, but I really wanted to feel incorporated and included in his life. After 2.5 years, I thought I would have reached that.
He apologized and wanted me to be patient. I was still angry, especially given the lack of quality time together. So, I kept pushing back. I said some mean things. He grew silent. So, we both took some time and space from each other.
He returned to his post.
Then, I reached out after two weeks. I apologized. He was cold. He said he didn't want to continue. He was angry at me for being mad, but really didn't realize why I was mad.
Then he dropped the atomic bomb saying he was already seeing someone else, someone there.
I was livid.
I always trusted him, so I was in incredible disbelief. How can we go from in love just a few weeks ago to this?! How can the man who invited me on several occasions to move in with him do this? How could the man who said he would never give up on us do this?
Im broken. Im in so much pain.
I am so confused and struggling to understand--Is he making her up to get back at me? If she's real, did they hook up after our fight? How long has she been in the picture? Was he seeing her when we were together?! Does he even feel sorry about what happened? Does he have any morsel of understanding as to why I was angry?
I just wanted time with him. I wanted to be more a part of his life after some 2.5 years. I told him explicitly this.
What went wrong could've been forgiven and worked out... if we were both willing. Why did he have to jump into someone else's arms?
I'm here struggling. Fighting to save my career (career change) and my relationship. I wish he were here to support me as he always did, but his absence is making everything so much more difficult.
I blocked him the days following the news of the other woman, but unblocked him after I gathered myself. He hasn't blocked me from his media--I suspect he's actually been checking in on me (as some of the site monitors have detected).
Still, I am in a funk. I keep hope that we can have a chance to reconcile and really really fix what needs fixing. But if this woman is real, I don't know how to deal with the betrayal. To
@Kadessa00
Hey there!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I've been in a long distant relationship for a short time and I know the struggle, the pain and the passion also for those few moments you spend together.
Would you mind disclosing your age and his? You mentioned he has a son. It might be useful to understand a bit the dynamic of your relationship, as you know things develop differently when you are in your 20s just figuring out your life path, your values, your needs and in your 30s or later.
When you said in your message that after every fight you tried to move past it, what exactly did you do? How did you resolve it? It's important because that way you will be able to analyze if the each little conflict just was an add up to something already existing or if you really did resolve it. Some may try to convince themselves they resolved an issue because it is too painful to deal with and too hard to really express and accept each others emotions. Staying mad at each other for periods of time and then getting back together to apologize seems more like avoidance of facing real issues than really accepting each others fault.
It's impossible to say what happened in his mind and his change of priorities and plans. It may be possible the woman to have existed even before he told you -- but I can't make such assumptions and put more pain in your mind. As I said I am just looking for a way to understand both you and him. Love doesn't disappear in an instant indeed and something did made him get colder but I don't think it was something you did. Relationships work if both parties continously do compromises and things to keep it functional and great. Even when it isn't that great. When you say that after 2 years you thought you deserve more, I tend to take a step back because that means you always felt like there is a gap between the two of you and you need to demonstrate your ... worth? Sounds tricky to me!
All in all, you did fight for the relationship and it's normal to be in pain and to want to figure all out. We all deserve closure and you clearly aren't there yet. Do you still talk with each other?
