Rollercoaster
Ride along with me, eh? lol!
I've got a lot on my mind all the time. Right now, I may just need to vent the relationships stuff, because my mind is spinning. In regards.....
#1. I was with a guy for almost 11 years; engaged & everything. Lived together most of that time. Never fought, never had any real problems. We were always very affectionate & loving toward each other. He left me about 3 months ago, saying he needed to be alone & free & to fix himself. Also, he had feelings for another woman...a woman who's 18 years married, with 3 kids. They had a 2 month fling, but when her husband found out, she broke things off with him (my ex). (ETA : Also, she gave him mono, lol.) I never in my life saw this coming. I truly thought we were "in it together" for life, yet he literally left me on the floor screaming "why?!" I've been through more than my share of traumatic losses, but that was the worst for me. It's taken some time, but I've "gotten over it", to some degree. I have depression & anxiety though, so...when I'm in a depressed state, especially last week...the whole situation really bothers me. We're trying to remain friends, but...it's very difficult. I'm still holding some immense resentment for him leaving me, & for being pretty lazy throughout our relationship. But I can't hate him. He's always been, & still is, there for me. So, that's that. lol
#2. After my ex left, I got in contact with some estranged family, & one of my cousins has been hanging out with me every weekend. So, by default, I've been hanging out with some of his friends. One of his friends in particular has a crush on me. We've been talking a lot, getting to know each other. So much so that, few times in our conversations, I've noticed some tears in the corners of his eyes. I adore the shit out of him, he's really cool, & I'd love to be good friends with him. But he keeps trying to make out with me. lol! Now....I really don't think he's trying to take advantage of me, even though I'm almost always pretty drunk when he's doing this, & he knows I'm vulnerable because of my ex; but I really think he's just following his heart. He's a bit of a free spirit, like I am. But he won't listen when I say "you don't wanna do this", "I'm too messed up in the head right now", "I'm not trying to play games with your head or heart", "why can't I just be friends with a guy without him feeling the urge to fall in love with me for a change?", etc. I know I can't get into anything with anyone right now, even a "friends with benefits" situation, because of #1 being so recent, & because of #3. I really enjoy making out with him lol, but there's certainly no chance of a future with him for 100 reasons (one being that he's 20+ years older than I am!) He's very...passionate. And..."ballsy", lol. I don't think he's been with anyone since his divorce 5 years ago, & he's never slept with anyone but her...yet he's confident enough to try to grab on to someone he clicks with immediately. And I like it. lol. I dunno. He's a millionaire, so that's always a cherry on top LOL! But, that's not relevant, cuz it shouldn't be. 10 years ago, if I were single, I wouldn't hesitate much to jump on the "secret summer fling" bandwagon with him; the only hesitation would really be how it could effect each of our individual relationships with my family. He kinda knows how I feel, cuz he's felt similarly, with his divorce...so, he wants me to relax & have fun, & I understand & agree; but I know I shouldn't be having that much fun at this point in time LOL. I'm really glad I met him, & I hope he's around for a long time. But I know I need to get him to stop crushing on me so hard; if only because #1 is too recent, & because #3 might be right around the corner.....
#3. *sigh* I met this guy about 10 years ago. He was a customer at a gas station I worked at for 7 years. By the time I started working there, I'd had to (try to) end enough drama coming from customers at other stores I've worked - "gas station is the new bartender", lol / you can meet a lot of interesting people & hear lots of interesting stories as a gas station attendant. I'd made a rule for myself, not to befriend any more gas station customers. So..... I remember the day I met him. We didn't hardly talk at all, but we certainly noticed each other. After one good look at him, I knew I was in trouble, lol! Totally my type - cute smile, cute clothes, colorful tattoos, & a "namaste" spark in his eyes, like our souls knew each other. He knew from the start that I was in a committed relationship & adamantly had no plans of leaving him. But we still got to know each other a little bit. I started bending my rule a little bit, & trying to be friends with him a little bit, but I kept him at quite a distance for about a year. Then one day he told me that he'd been having issues with some of his relationships, & decided to go to Iraq for a little bit to clear his head (he's a 20+ year army vet). I made sure to remember when he said he was leaving, so that I could give him a hug & wish him well....but he didn't give me the chance. So, I told the universe to wish him well & went on with my life. I quit that job for a year & worked elsewhere until things got a little screwy at that new job, & I ended up working back at the gas station more & more. I pretty much forgot he existed. Then he started popping up again. We started getting to know each other all over again. He was going through a crazy rough time before he started dating his ex girlfriend again, & so he started coming to me to vent about it. And, really...roughest time ever. None of it was my problem, but I was super stressed about everything just trying to figure out how to help. He a resilient SOB, lol!, & that really helped me get through my own tough times. Anyway, then he started dating his ex, & I started getting pushed to the backburner. Which, I completely understand, & was very patient for over 6 months before I said something. I felt like...we were becoming such close friends, & I was eager to put forth the effort at that point, but then she came back into his life, & he had no time or energy for me anymore. I felt like...we were building something, & he got super distracted. So, I was pretty depressed one day, & it was bothering me, & he noticed, so I said something. And I probably didn't word it very well; I'll readily admit that. So, he didn't talk to me for almost a year, despite my efforts to apologize & make amends. Then one night, he sent me an "apology day" text; I wonder if I was the only one he texted, but we chatted a little bit for a few days. A couple months later, he saw me near my store one day, & we started talking again. Immediately, I was scared he was gonna leave again. I decided to try to build this friendship as much as I could, while I could. Because I cared. He's absolutely one of my favorite people that I've met in life, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. For about 2 months, we texted each other every day; often, all day. He opened his home to me, "what's mine is yours, always has been", & I tried not to take advantage, & tried to figure out how to make that offer worth his while (cleaning, etc...didn't actually get around to starting, but the intention was there lol). Most importantly, I tried to hang out with him as much as I possibly could, if even just for an hour or so after work to try to cheer him up. He took me to a restaurant / flea market, then some shops by the beach, then a harbor, & then ice cream the one day. I took him to a waterfall & a froyo shop, hehe. We sat around & he made me watch baseball (I am a very patient woman lol). And it was all fun. All the while... trying to make sure I wasn't hurting my (now ex) fiance, trying to make sure I wasn't hurting him, & dealing with a whole lot of stress of my own. 2 lovely months.. One week he says "I'm working on being IN love with you...get over it", & the next he says "how dare you patronize me with I love yous & I care about yous, & if you're not patronizing then you're (effed) up, leave me alone". We had gotten into an argument 5 days before that last text. I was depressed, & trying to talk to him about it. He said something that sparked what I thought was just a debate about depression, ADHD, psychology, & psychiatry. However, throughout the conversation, I insisted this wasn't a good debate for text message & that I wasn't in the state of mind to be capable of having it properly in the first place. But it kept coming up, either he'd bring it up or I would, for 5 days. Finally, I basically said "I'm coming over to fix this because this is ridiculous & I'm scared you're going to disappear on me for no good reason", which turned into a "no way I'm letting you come over here for an argument" argument. Though I wasn't looking for an argument, I wanted to explain my fault in the situation. I basically said "I genuinely love you, I care about you, I don't understand why you're this upset with me or why you won't meet me halfway, but I'm here when you want to work it out, I hope it doesn't take long". I was trying to be compassionate, though I can see how that could be misconstrued as condescending when in an emotional state. So.....that was almost 5 years ago. 5 years. And I think about him every day. For, like, 7 years now, ever since he really started opening up to me. It's been heartbreaking. I truly, genuinely, always loved him. Ever since that I saw that "namaste" spark, even though I wouldn't let myself invest in it much at first. I wonder how he's doing. Constantly. Wish I could talk to him, to get some unique perspective on things. I miss his hugs, his smile; his support, & respectfulness. Our mutual adoration. For 2 months, everything was awesome; & he walked away from it all via text. I've tried to be respectful of the fact that he said "leave me alone", but I have tried a few times to apologize; I'm pretty sure he blocked my number, & blocked me on Twitter, & Instagram. He went from loving me dearly, to cutting me out of his life completely. To some degree, he became "just another brick in the wall", and I've certainly moved on with my life, but...he deliberately got himself so lodged in my head, that I can't shake him. So...here I am now, almost 5 years later. When #1 left, I was completely devastated & alone. I wanted nothing more than to run into the arms of #3. Or at least vent to him. But I knew that wouldn't be right, either way. A week or so after the breakup, I decided I needed something to look forward to, so I looked up his favorite band (which I grew to like quite a bit myself), & found that they're playing a show nearby...this weekend. So, I bought a ticket, for the real reason of having something to look forward to. I have no one to go with (though #2 did offer lol!), so I bought pepper spray because I intend to go alone, & be the independent woman I know I am despite my anxiety & depression. I intend to have only a couple beers (& maybe a shot lol), because I intend to keep my wits about me while being able to enjoy the show & get my fellow patrons dancing, because that's what I always used to do. There's, like, a 90% chance he'll be there. Possibly with at least one of his kids. Maybe he has a girlfriend now, who knows? If he is there, he may not even see me. And I intend to respectfully leave him alone & do my own thing, if I even see him. But I won't be looking. Though I do hope he sees me, & I do hope he chooses to say something to me. My cousin & his friends are more his generation, & I think he'd have a blast hanging out with everyone (I don't think #2 would get upset, but I don't know); I think at least one of his kids would have fun too. That's all I can really hope for, beyond him choosing to talk to me again. I was always hypothetically scared of a real relationship with him, mostly because he keeps getting upset & disappearing on me, & in part because a have a genetic reason for a sense of urgency in my life...I still wanna have a kid, & he's done with that shizz lol. I know I can't even fathom a real, functional relationship for myself right now, so soon after #1, not to mention that it wouldn't be fair to him, to be with me while I'm still trying to deal with that. But I figure this is my only chance; I'll throw the line out & see if he bites, for the chance to at least meet some new people & share some fun. If he doesn't, he doesn't. I can't let myself be too disappointed, especially not after 5 years.
So, I'm nervous about what the weekend may bring, first with #2, & then with #3. And #1 is coming over tomorrow to help with something, by the way. There's no easy answers for anything, not that I really have any questions. I guess I just wanted to share the novella that is my current relationship situation, lol. I usually avoid drama like the plague, yet here I am with some interesting situations. And, really, all of these things are the least of my concerns; just the tip of the iceberg, haha. But...I dunno. I hope it was a good read at least, & I'll keep you guys posted lol!
@MKR84
Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.
Ex #1: He seems unsure of himself, like near the end he didn't know what he wanted, probably felt his needs and wants were not met, he should have communicated this to you when it happened, but instead he developed feelings for another woman, so it tells me he has known this woman for a long time. The fact the other women left him shows that he was going along too much with being the second option to her, so she eventually left him. It's understandable you would feel hurt and sad about everything that happened, things were going great then all of the sudden he asks for space, and developed feelings for another woman. It's not a good idea to be friends with him until you finally heal from the hurt and pain he caused you.
Ex #2: It does seems like he is trying to take advantage of you when you get drunk to make certain attempts on you. " I say "you don't wanna do this", "I'm too messed up in the head right now", "I'm not trying to play games with your head or heart", "why can't I just be friends with a guy without him feeling the urge to fall in love with me for a change?" You are basically trying to tell him that he is probably coming on too strong, losing emotional self control, not acting confident, and that you are simply not interested in any kind of romantic relationship with him, you are saying all of this because you don't want to hurt his feelings. He is not actually listening because he doesn't really understand what you are saying, so it makes him do more and more, however if you are straight forward with him then more than likely he will get the hint. He is doing more of the wrong things than right things, so at some points it makes you feel turn off and strange when it comes to him. He doesn't understand that a woman emotions and feelings needs to be engaged before he could try to make out with you. It's like he is trying to force things here and there.
Ex #3: With this one you started to have fear of loss and abandonment more than the other two. He got with his ex, then pay attention to you less, which tells me that he would mostly likely push people to the backburner when he is on a relationship. This one seems to be passive-agressive and other issues, you were apologizing to him for awhile and he basically punish you by not talking with you for a very long time. "I'm working on being IN love with you...get over it" this is a cold statement, this guy doesnt know what he wants, forcing himself to fall in love, unsure of his feelings which he should have tell you the minute this happened to avoid future pain and hurt on you."how dare you patronize me with I love yous & I care about yous, & if you're not patronizing then you're (effed) up, leave me alone" This is a very cold statement, this is a guy who doesn't know how to handle closeness well, he lost emotional self control here, he was rude to you, and this is a guy who is not emotionally mature and ready to be on a relationship. The fact he is arguing with you tells me that he is not taking the time to make you feel heard and understood, instead he is using logic and reason to win the argument. "I'm coming over to fix this because this is ridiculous & I'm scared you're going to disappear on me for no good reason" This is where your fear of loss and fear of abandonment took over, it made you lose emotional self control, so it force you to soothe your anxiety by attempting to fix this even though he was cold and rude to you. You didn't deserve the way he treated you, you deserve to be treated better. "I genuinely love you, I care about you, I don't understand why you're this upset with me or why you won't meet me halfway, but I'm here when you want to work it out, I hope it doesn't take long" This was perfect, there wasn't much you can do with the way he was behaving towards you, you did the right thing by walking away and leaving the door open. "I've tried to be respectful of the fact that he said "leave me alone", but I have tried a few times to apologize" it's like i mentioned, this person can't handle closeness well so he will sabotage things to create space, trying to apologize usually won't work with him because he was not able to communicate with you on an adult manner. Trying to contact him after he said "leave me alone" was more to get that closeness back from him, to feel how he made you feel throughout those months. "Just another brick in the wall", well yes but its mainly because he has a lot of issues from within that he has not solved and faced, so its bound to affect his adult relationships. "I was always hypothetically scared of a real relationship with him, mostly because he keeps getting upset & disappearing on me, & in part because a have a genetic reason for a sense of urgency in my life." It's normal you felt scared to have a real relationship with him, a lot of his behaviors and words didn't make you feel comfortable and safe. One things is important to realize is that he has cold behaviors, which means he will dismiss your feelings on most ocassions, so it'll be tough having a healthy and loving relationship with him. He lost emotional self control a lot, so more than likely it's going to make you feel scared, but also scared to communicate certain things to him because of the fear of him getting mad and upset with you. It's very very very important to feel safe and comfortable with your partner, if not everything will go downhill.
To be honest, it's not a good idea to be a part of a romantic relationship with any of those three because they all have deep issues they have not solved or fix. Ex #3 is the one who has the most issues out of the three.
@freshLight64
Thank you for your input! I appreciate any & all perspectives on the situations. First, might I point out that #2&3 are not exes; just friends. With that mentioned...
You're pretty much absolutely right about #1. Except he hasn't known her long. And she's done this with another guy but never went so far, so he thinks she might have just been doing this to try to get her husband's attention. I don't know; don't really care, haha. The thing with not being friends with him is that I unfortunately still have to depend on him for a couple things. Also, I don't think I ever will fully heal from what he's done. And I'd still rather have him in my life.
#2, very very true. I do have a problem with assertiveness, lol. I know I'm trying to be too nice, because that's how I am. I have tried being straight forward too. But I need to be more concrete with it, I know.
#3, yup. Lol. Cold & emotionally immature, with a tendency to push people away when they get too close. That's exactly how he gets. And you hit the nail on the head with the argument. Except for my reasons for trying to fix it... I'm sure the fear of loss & abandonment itself had something to do with it, but I genuinely had compassion for him, despite how he was treating me. It's really not an excuse, but he does have his own issues, like you said. One of those being a TBI, & new experience with his own depression & anxiety, which he'd never had before 7ish years ago. So, I don't really think I lost emotional self control; it took me 5 days to say
I went through the same issue i was in love with boy 17 years old and im 24 years old, over 2 years together we were close friends in the beginning I bought gifts for him i was more than perfect girl for him to win his heart then he gone once he found a chance to replace me with other girls on dating game he found girls acting like they in love with him and he believed that they will be last forever I hurt so much in that time i just see him gone from my life and he back to me and tell me about his new girlfriend how they were match in many things and im so different to him he hurt me alot in that time I kept my sadness inside myself and i was acting normal with until he fought with a girl he loved her so much he back to me and begged me to forgive him i was acting cold with him that time because it's just too much he came one day and said i was thinking of you today it's not surprise you in this moment I decided this boy is awful how he could say something like that to me so once I acted cold with him and he being alone he back to me and said no one like me i was treating him like he's one of my family he wrote many things and promised me he won't back the same stupid person I believed him and i was so emotional I hate someone begged me and I hate hurt people so I forgave him and I back with him after one month he broke up with his gf and he comes to me more romantic and saying that he want me so I decided to date him after one year of being friends we started dating in August after that i was so scared and worried if I made the right decision or no i was thinking alot if he's really changed or he will back again to awful person so i was like watching every move of him and if he late just few minutes not reply me I was thinking he back again to his gf or to that dating game and I will be fool forever i was worried so much about every moment with him but still I gave him so much love I think I helped him to forget his gf a little bit until I told him one day you won't cheat on me right he said I will never cheat on you so I said I will test you then he said go and test me after awhile he forgot what I said and I really did I made fake account and I added him and I tested him unfortunately for no reason he went with that account he said i am in difficult situation choose you or my love I really felt bad in that time I decided to never believe him again by anyway I just felt deeply sad he's not into me like how i am with him so we fought in that time and he sent to the fake account he will break up with his gf which is me and move on and it will be so difficult in his gf so he did that and by some way realized that account was nothing so he back to me again and apologized about everything that was on December so in April one evil gay he was mutual friends between me and my ex bf told him everything that i was the same girl text in the fake account so my ex bf find the way to move on and he blames everything on me and said goodbye I tried to convince him that he told me to test him but he said we aren't meant to be together in love so I told him can we be like friends he said i don't know then he said no I want you to gone so I told him okay goodbye forever but after two weeks my friend tried to make him back with me and he said hurtful stuff about me like me and him not match and my friend said she's a good person he said if you were in my place you would see more than you hear because I don't know what that gay psychopath told him so I decided to make my ex bf delete him at least so I showed him some screenshots of my conversation with that gay and how he was talking bad about my ex bf then my ex got angry in that time but I wanted to make sure if he gonna delete this gay or no so I added my ex bf on ps and we text then I asked him did you delete that gay he said I will delete him so I felt comfortable that at least revenge of that gay but then after that things are dead between me and my ex bf we barely text eachother and if we talk it will be for short time like 6 minutes maximum it's really hurting me watching things dead between us so one guy suggested to me today I Should ask him straight forward if he wants me back or I have to move on he told me you have to get your answer so you won't think about him anymore but I didn't text him I feel if I did that I will insult myself too much and I insulted myself enough after and during our break up im really hesitate so im thinking to delete him without any message from me so I can start new life now