Separated, Sad & Scared

Just a heads up, this is a semi long post but

Me and my wife are currently separated, although with a 3 yr old, it's hard to be fully separated, but doing what we can. It's probably been a long time coming that something might happen like this & there are many many things we could have done better to avoid this, but it's also been a rough past few years, and that hasn't helped. Not has the way we've been to ourselves and each other.

We had a recent fight (verbal), mostly me saying some stuff I've had pent up for some time, but also me saying some stuff to get a rise. Either way it was very uncalled for on my end, and I did it while intoxicated, which didn't help either, and is no excuse to act that way.

Over the past 3 years we had our first kid (who is fantastic), then COVID hit and changes all of our lives. It was sort of a blessing in disguise at the time since I got to be home for most/all of his first few years and help out more than I could have if I was in the office like we use to do (pre COVID). Then our dog, who we both loved tremendously, developed bone cancer in her spine (non treatable or operable) and we had to put her down in late 2020. Then in Jan 2021 my Mom passed away suddenly, and she was a major part of both our lives. Then shortly after that my dad had health issues develop and was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had it remeved in early 2022 but is still battling it some to this day, which has kept him out of work and limited on what he could do. Then during all of this her sister got pregnant and then suddenly the babys dad passed away from COVID, which made that a unique experience. On top of that there has been other family issues/drama, which has made life interesting..

During all of this she battled depression and anxiety. I during this time did a good job of bottling things up and not being supportive or helpful and just putting my energy elsewhere, sometimes no where. Overall it's been a bad storm brewing and neither of us are innocent.

With that said, our communication has lacked (almost non existent) and we've both developed a strong anger with each other. We got to the point where just not doing a tiny thing, or moving something, or forgetting to do something would set us off or make us so upset, when in reality it should.

The incident recently has caused us to both agree we need to take some time to ourselves. During this time I've already made a pledge and am actively working to stay off any alcohol, because it has never been a great thing for me and no good ever came out of it other than some laughs from time to time. I've also spoken to a therapist who I plan to talk to weekly for quite some time to work thru my issues, because I have plenty. Both of these are items I wish I would have done earlier but I kept hanging on thinking things would eventually work out.

I did have a talk with my wife recently, after the separation, and I may have rushed doing that now that I look back at it, but it happened. I apologized and let her know what I'm working on, what I've realized, how I've felt, and also let her know I don't think this as a quick fix at all and make take time, but I plan to do whatever I can as I dont want this to be our end at all.

Her reply wasn't as positive and made things sound like she doesn't know if this is fixable or if it's something she wants to fix. That response devastated me obviously because I love her so much and not just the thought of us together but that I love her as she is for who she is. We may not be the ideal couple but she completes me and makes me want to be better each and every day. Have I done a good job of saying that or showing that or loving her over these past many years, definitely not, but I want to do better & be better in anyway I can to fulfill her and love her how she deserves to be loved.

I don't know what the future has in hold for us, and around this time of year (usually our favorite time of year) and with our little kiddo (who is a bundle of joy) it's really tough and that just stings so bad. Im at a spot where I know I can't rush things but I don't want to let it sit as I worry that may be a bad thing also. We definitely have some hard times ahead before it could get better, and I'm ready to face that however I need too. I hope she will be also, but there is a lot of uncertainty.

Sorry for the super long post, but I'm realizing the more I talk about it the more I realize some things but also is therapeutic and can help me from jumping off the deep end of doubt.

There's definitely doesn't hit on every little thing, but I tried to hit on the key things, or ones I see as the key things. Any insight or thoughts are much appreciated & I appreciate your time listening.