Separated from wife of 23 years
Last month, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She said she wasn't happy, and needed time and space. I see where I neglected her feelings, treated her like a child, and generally wasn't a great husband. I fully admit these things, am working on them, and I feel horrible about what I've done. She moved out, but still continues to call, text...even want sex with me. I try to give her space, which is extremely difficult to do, but I do it, because that's what she says she wants. The question I have is, why does she continue to instigate contact with me if she wants time and space.
Hi Jack, your situation sounds like it could really benefit from time spent with a marriage counselor. It seems like your wife still cares for you and wants to be with you but, for whatever reason, the marriage was not meeting some very profound needs. Your wife might have felt that she needed to make a change, and perhaps even send you a wake-up call. Unfortunately, all that wake-up call tells you is that something is very wrong and she is not happy. It doesn't tell you what you can do to make her feel happy, loved, and safe, or what you can do to make her trust you again. Also, I doubt that the problems in your marriage rest entirely on your shoulders: it take two to communicate. Your wife is evidently conflicted about what she wants, and she might not even be able to articulate her needs right now. That's where a good marriage counselor could help to facilitate productive communication in your marriage; teach you both how to express your needs, and how to care for the other in ways that make you each feel loved. Not everyone's needs in a marriage are the same, and not everyone experiences or expresses love the same way. We have to teach each other about our needs and expectations, and we have to really listen without judgment to what the other says, which are skills that often do not come naturally to a person. Perhaps you could arrange to meet with your wife to simply talk about some of her experiences, what she thinks she wants and needs from you, and whether she's willing to fight for the marriage if you are also willing to fight. And ask if she'd be willing to see a counselor so that you both can work through the brokenness in your marriage in a neutral environment with an objective and educated mediator. I understand how this can be a very confusing and painful time for you right now, but sometimes the fractures of a relationship have to be exposed before they can be re-set and heal. I wish you well as you navigate this difficult journey.