She asked for space and time apart
After 4 years together my gf texted me saying how she feels pressured and overwhelmed and feels the relationship can be playing a part of it. I obviously replied first asking why and then proceeded to write long texts how to try and overcome the overwhelmed thoughts she was having and didn't try to listen what she was saying. been about a week now and she reaches out daily with either a text or two and even calls me sometimes.The 2 times we talked on It'sthe phone the first time she called me randomly to say I love you and the second time we got into an argument because of my lack of communication.Yesterday we got into a really bad argument and I feel like I ruined any opportunity for a reconciliation. I miss her and I want things to work out obviously because we were talking about marriage and overall growth.
@Vestrada I'm sorry you're going through that right now.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea it's hard cause I want there to be another chance and I want to keep saying I miss her and want to be with her. I have to continue to tell myself to stop and the more I keep trying to say it, the more it will come out sounding like I'm being needy but she was truly my best friend and my gf so to lose both of those things is making my depression go all over the place. Some days I'm good, some days I'm bad and as of recent it's more bad than good.
@Vestrada
Hi. I guess the best way to show her that you're not needy is to give her the time and space she requested. Will not that only show her that you can be a happy individual on your own but that you also respect her and care about her needs.
She obviously loves you and cares about you. I don't think you should be jumping to conclusions so quickly and assuming that it will never work again. Arguments happen and they're necessary as long as no disrespect or abuse is flunged by either party.
Anyway, I would encourage you to take this time apart to understand what it is that she needs out of you and the relationship. Try to understand what went wrong and make it right. Because you obviously want to. I doubt that she's asking you to change something that is completely critical or fundamental to you and your personality. Don't push for things to happen. I'm sure she will reach out to you again - she already has so many times. Just take this opportunity to make a real change with real impacts.
Best of luck.
@intuitiveWriter1887
Hello, and thank you for that. She said that we basically became one person so we were always together pretty much no space at all and individually we set our individual life aparts and we would always just be together. Now when we had our last argument she told me that she just wanted you need to be confident again because that's something I like I'm lacking at the moment and overall my communication skills at when we first started I was always talkin listening making sure to pay attention to everything and it's like I only reiterate whatever she saying or I don't say anything at all. She told me she wanted me to just leave her alone and to take her out of all the equations for me to just get back to being me to who I was.
@Vestrada
Hi. I'm going to assume that she said the last line in anger.
Anyway, in order for a relationship to thrive both individuals must lead fulfilling lives. I learned this the hard way as I tend to be the sort of person who loses themselves in the relationship (not only romantic ones). Therefore, I think this break might actually be your best opportunity to learn to become a happy individual within yourself. I can't stress how important it is. I would suggest that you really try to push yourself during this period to work on yourself. The pain is unbearable, I know, but trust me she won't come back if she doesn't see a change. Even if she does, it will only be temporary. I think you owe it to yoursslf first, before her, that you try to find solace in your own company bcs truth is, everyone leaves at one point.
You mentioned a communication problem due to something you've been going through and that it hasn't been this way all the time. I think it's important to realize when our partners are stressed bcs of outside factors and that we try to support them, bcs whether we like it or not, I believe there will be days when we will NEED our partners. I don't know how long this has been going for but I'm also going to assume that she tried supporting you. At this point, it's all up to you to make the changes you need that will make you love life again. No matter how much she supports you, change can only come once you put in the effort.
@intuitiveWriter1887
Hello, so I am truly trying to get myself back and I am trying to get my confidence and all my things back. She's the one that keeps randomly reaching out. Even today she sent me a message saying "I hope you're better then you were yesterday, I hope you have a good day, and I hope you're ok" so I took about 4 hours to tell her thanks. She's always the one to text me first after an argent or after meeting up or anything in general. So that's why I'm so confused about everything that is happening
@Vestrada
That really is a confusing situation. I would guess that since you guys have been together for 4 years and obviously care about each other so much, it can't be easy to cut someone so significant out of your life. But you know her best and can maybe speculate why she's acting this way.
How do you feel about letting her know that you respect her wishes for space and really want this to work so you're taking her comments seriously and trying to improve but her constant contact is setting you off a little? That in order for this to work out, both of you need to use the time apart wisely and positively. It doesn't have to last months but as long as it takes you to be you again. Maybe you can check up on each other every 2 days or once every week. Since she's the one who asked for a break, I don't see a problem in YOU taking the lead and setting the tone for contact in ways that's best for your health and well bieng, at least until she decides she wants to commit again to this relationship. But since she's "out" for now, don't be scared of setting the boundaries that protect your heart for fear of losing her. I think it's best to keep in mind that despite her contact, she doesn't want the relationship back yet. This should keep you focused on guarding your heart and moving forward rather than worrying about losing her.
@intuitiveWriter1887
We talked a little today and said that she loves me but feels that throughout the relationship we started turning more into friends then we did as partners. She doesn't know anymore what she wants and that the bad is outweighing the good sometimes.
@Vestrada
This post is really clear that you added.
I always recomend a book by Robert Glover, No More Mr Nice Guy. Read it, you will find it really intresting. I find it applies in some way to a high percentage of man/woman relation issues.
In short, physical and emotional attraction are different than friendship and support.
One of the most impossible leasons for nice guys to learn (I still can not get it right) is that when a girl pulls away do not chase. Instead also pull away, if she has any intrest left she will come back. If she does not then sadly it was not ment to be. Nothing is worse for a nice guy than to be in a never ending emotional chase tying to please the girl.
When she calls you, tell her your are doing fine and very little else. Be polite but do not tell her how much you miss her. Bite your tongue. If you don't already do it, start lifing. I mean go to a gym and start into a heavy weight lifting program. It will help you in many ways. After you start doing this, you can tell her when she calls, but don't tell much about it only that your doing it. Also take the extra free time to work on how to earn more money and also make sure your clothing is makeing you look good. When she sees you again, look good. The only way to do that is to practice it, watch other girls.. if they notice you then your doing it right.
Pay attendtion to what she tells you and write it down in a journal. Girls will change what they say over time based on what they feel and even remember it differently. One last thing, If she ever says "I love you, but I am not in love with you" that means something else.
Good Luck
@Vestrada
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
After 4 years together my gf texted me saying how she feels pressured and overwhelmed and feels the relationship can be playing a part of it. (Hmmm, did she explain why the relationship played a part in it?) I obviously replied first asking why and then proceeded to write long texts how to try and overcome the overwhelmed thoughts (Its understandable you felt anxious, thoughts of losing her and wanting to help her, but this right here might make her feel disconnected. It was definetly not easy remaining calm when someone you love say those things) she was having and didn't try to listen what she was saying. (I can see why this would happen, its like you felt a lot of anxiety, and it was hard to focus on what she said) been about a week now and she reaches out daily with either a text or two and even calls me sometimes. The 2 times we talked on It'sthe phone the first time she called me randomly to say I love you (So first she wanted space, but then reaches out? so Im guessing she was confused about how things were going) and the second time we got into an argument because of my lack of communication. (This tells me she felt upset because you didn't reach out as much as she wanted, or were not listening to her. If it's the first one then it could be a red flag, because she wanted space, but expects you to call...) Yesterday we got into a really bad argument and I feel like I ruined any opportunity for a reconciliation. I miss her and I want things to work out obviously because we were talking about marriage and overall growth. (Take a closer look at her behavior after you two started talking about those things, did she started to back away? or you noticed she got closer?)
@freshLight64
Hello,
For the first question she said she felt pressured into taking care of me and making sure I was always happy and in a good place. She felt smoothered and like she couldn't do anything without a reaction from me. Which I can admit there were things at times that I questioned but I never put too much thought into it. The statement Forabout the phone calls, on the second phone call she made a comment about me not fighting enough for the relationship and acting as if I don't care. The question about marriage she would iniate some of those conversations and we'd get really excited about everything. She felt that we were really comfortable and that we had a routine and like I mentioned above today she texted me to say she hopes I have a really good day and hopes that I am ok. In which I responded thanks.
@Vestrada
For the first question she said she felt pressured into taking care of me and making sure I was always happy and in a good place. (Hmm this is where you both played a part in it. I can tell she this pleaser mentality, so she kept it up until she can't no longer take it) She felt smoothered and like she couldn't do anything without a reaction from me. (What you mean by this?) Which I can admit there were things at times that I questioned but I never put too much thought into it. The statement Forabout the phone calls, on the second phone call she made a comment about me not fighting enough for the relationship and acting as if I don't care. (Hmm this almost sounds like she feels like you might have gotten complacent, and not doing the things you did in the beginning to make her feel attracted to you. There's a disconnection going on here) The question about marriage she would iniate some of those conversations and we'd get really excited about everything. She felt that we were really comfortable and that we had a routine (This is an indication things have gotten too predictable, and the same everyday routine is killing the excitement. I think what she is trying to say is that she hopes things spice up, such as making things more unpredictable) and like I mentioned above today she texted me to say she hopes I have a really good day and hopes that I am ok. (This is a sign she wanted you to ask her out, and was also missing you) In which I responded thanks. (The response comes across as cold, so now she might take it in a negative light)
@freshLight64
For the question about being smoothered is that she felt we were always together and never set as individuals in out relationship which I agree was true. For the reaching out part to setting a date and missing me- we got into a really bad argument yesterday in which she screamed at me to leave her alone and not to reach out or do anything that she is done, so how would that message have been different in one day? We did have a routine basically and when we switched things around it really did have impacts in our relationship.
@Vestrada
Honestly, the whole screaming and yelling seemed quite disrespectful.
@freshLight64
That's why I felt it was a little weird to get that voice message so early in the day. She sent it around 8:30 am and I responded with thanks at 12:30 and then nothing. Which I understand was going to happen she's mad and also asked for space and I'm fighting the urge to respond more or ask her why would she send that but I am just trying to getyself together as well and think logically instead of emotionally.
