Should I Go Back?
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years just three days ago.
To start, there are reasons as to why I broke with him:
Firstly, I have my own problems, and so did he - probably more than me honestly. I am dealing with anxiety, severe depression, current family problems, PTSD, low self-esteem, and a lot of bullshit from my school. On the other hand, he's dealing with what other young teenagers who have to support themselves have to go through, with a mix of his own problems: Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, depression, a bit of anxiety, financial and work related issues, etc. I felt like I had to end it because although we seemed to be alright and happy most of the time, all the nasty things that don't need to be said and done come out whenever we fight. As intense as our love for each other, the more intense our fights become.
Second, we had numerous attempts to try and fix the relationship, but whenever we fight, I usually pull away as fast as could and it just makes the matter worse. I have always blamed myself for all the problems that we've had in the relationship. He told me I couldn't handle his criticism and I don't try to change my attitude. He told me that I have done absolutely nothing for the relationship and I have no right to anything whatsoever. I have taken in so many of his criticism, and yet I still feel useless.
Hey @xm24 - my best advice is do what is best for you, deep down you already know what that is. Yes, there is no doubt that it will be painful, but in the longrun you will be a lot happier. Never settle in love and show yourself love always. You will get through this. xo
@xm24 focus on the reasons why you decided to end it in the first place, this will help you stay positive and move forward.
@wonderousHeart14 @dapperCity9369 @calidescopeheart
Thank you for all the replies, advice, and support you gave. I really appreciate it and I feel a bit better after hearing what you all had to say. I'm doing well and have not contacted him at all (although I still receive messages from him everyday), but I miss him a lot. I guess that should be normal, but I just keep on hoping that maybe he would change. Or rather, the relationship will change if I decide to go back. I just keep thinking that maybe we didn't really do a good job at trying to make things work and maybe that's why it didn't. I don't want to go back to the relationship, but I still want him to be with me. They said it's a bad idea to try and be friend with your ex, but I don't know how else to deal with it. I'm also getting support from my friends and helping me get through it, but I still worry about him - how he's doing, if he's alright, if everything is well for him, etc. I guess I still do care, but as much as I hate being selfish, I know I have to think about myself more. I still love him, and I'm not sure if I can forget about him or recover at all from all that's happened. I'm hoping things will be better again if I go, but I need to know that it will and I'm hoping for a sign that he'll change. I just don't know yet if I'm ready to let go completely or not.
@cj242017 i just want you to know that every word you just said is so honest and so normal. I have been through i think every one of these feelings during my last break up. What you feel is a normal reaction. You miss him and love him but you are kind of scared to let go. In my experience being friends with an ex is more painful than anything and it interrupts your healing process unless there are no feelings left (which is usually not the case). I know you don't want to lose him but if you have decided that it is not going to work or be healthy, letting go is the first step to moving forward. You don't have to erase his existence, but try to rediscover yourself and your life without him. My best advice is to focus on you. Listen to your gut.
@cj242017
Second, we had numerous attempts to try and fix the relationship, but whenever we fight, I usually pull away as fast as could and it just makes the matter worse.(I could tell that the arguments escalated really fast, usually a female wants the male to listen, but instead he uses logic and reason, which the female begins to feel hurt, withdrawn and feels he doesn't understand her, so theres a communication issue here). I have always blamed myself for all the problems that we've had in the relationship. (You shouldn't blame yourself for everything). He told me I couldn't handle his criticism and I don't try to change my attitude. He told me that I have done absolutely nothing for the relationship and I have no right to anything whatsoever. I have taken in so many of his criticism, and yet I still feel useless. (You see, he is not being loving, kind, and sweet while saying this, basically he is just throwing criticism at you, and making you feel like you did nothing on the relationship, at this point he is getting into the line of being cold and a bit controlling and trying to mold you into what he wants.)
And lastly, due to the problems that had happened, I have pulled away multiple times, which caused him to cheat on me twice.(The fact he cheat had nothing to do with you, he just doesn't have intengrity and loyalty doesn't mean much to him. When the future is in doubt he will cheat, thats who is, you mentioned "pulled away" but thats more like shutting down yourself emotionally because all he did was argue with you, criticize you, point fingers at you, so obviously a female will close her heart off to protect herself). He told me just a month ago and although I was extremely hurt, I forgave him. Why? Because he guilt triped me, and I gave in to that. He told me I left him and that's why he did it and that he needed company, or that he only loved the other person because of their intellect and shared the same interests. (What he said makes absolutely zero sense, you didn't left him at all, he caused you to shut down emotionally because of the way he was showing up on the relationship, he stopped making you feel safe and comfortable so you are bound to withdraw, he is in denial, blaming you for everything, I could tell he is insecure) But after that, I felt even more worthless, more so than he tells me I am. I wanted out, but he told me it was only fair to forgive him for what I did to him. I didn't have any other choice, so I forgave him. (You did nothing to him, is the other way around, he hurt you and criticize you, trying to change you etc, he is being unreasonable here)
At that time, we were alright at first but then after awhile we argued more and then he started threatening me. I wasn't really afraid as I was used to it with my father, but then he started beating me and hurting me (throwing me on the floor, hitting my head, punching and kicking my whole body, etc.) I was bleeding and he wouldn't stop. ( This part tells me he doesn't understand women behavior at all, his way of doing things is in being a control freak, making threats, emotional and physical abuse, because deep down he is insecure and he feels the need to control everything to his liking, if not then he will get insecure, needy and desperate).Mind you, this wasn't the first time he hurt me either. Back then, he would slap me and hurt me a lot, but he apologized and cried so I forgave him. But at that time, he continued to threathen me and hurt me. (He is not being congruent with his words at all, he says one thing, but his actions communicate something else, basically his word can't be trusted)
But I blame myself for everything. He told me I wasn't the only one abused and that I abused him first. I stayed with him, in hopes that maybe I can make it up to him and make things better, but I didn't see that at all. (He is in denial, focusing heavily on his feelings, and being way too much into his thoughts" to the point that in his mind you are the abuser so its okay for him to do it and you should forgive him" When its the opposite, he is the abuser on this ocassion). I was too scared of everything, and my over thinking never helped me or the relationship. I took every hit he gave just because I felt like I deserved it - that I was such a shitty girlfriend to him (You were not an awful girlfriend, I think you are caring, sweet and loving, while he is the awful boyfriend) and I should have treated him better.(No, why should you trust him? everything he did made you feel not safe, cared, loved, comfortable etc, so obviously you are bound to shut down yourself emotionally to him, this is how a female would behave because she is not feeling heard and understood, she is feeling hurt by him). I thought I deserved all the things he says and does to me. But three days ago, I finally (and hopefully) ended my relationship with him. (You did great here, great decision, he is not dating material at all). But the only thing is, despite everything that has happened, I still love him and miss him. Maybe its just a phase of moving on from a break up, but he calls and texts me everyday and asks me to talk to him (He is chasing and pursuing you now, but when he was with you he didn't correct his behavior, he didn't change, he stopped romantincing you and stopped making you feel safe and comfortable).. I blocked him and had no contact with him at all (You did great here), but I still get his phone messages and I wonder if I should go back and if I made a huge mistake. This isn't the first time I tried to end the relationship, either. But I'm hoping for the best.(Nothing would change if you come back with him, he will only hurt you even deeper. He will physically and emotionally abuse you, will bring and create even more drama to the relationship. He has not changed one bit, and was never congruent with his words, he is not dating material at all, you deserve far better than him.)