Should I leave or stay...
This is my first time to post this. I hope I'm doing this right. I really need your help.
I (23 f, japanese) think I want to break up with my boyfriend (42 m, american who has been living in japan for years), but I can't decide if it's the right thing to do because I still love him. Currently we're taking one month break because I asked for it, and he was very hurt when I asked for it. It hurts me when I think about what I'm putting him through, but I really need it so I had to do it.
We've been together for one and a half year. We've been madly in love, although we fought once in every couple months. I love him dearly and I can feel that he loves me dearly. But lately (last few months) he's been saying that he wants to meet me more than we do, which is staying the night once a week. I tried meeting him more, but it felt like an obligation. It's not that I don't love him, but I just need time for myself, family, friends, and working toward my goal(I'm trying to start a small business and he knows it and has been very supportive) too. I talked about that to him, but he didn't stop claiming that he needs to see me more. I started to feel guilty for not giving what he needs, and every time we meet on weekend, I found myself feeling like I "have to" meet him, rather than I "get to" meet him.
Another reason I'm considering breaking up is that I can't see future with him. Age gap is making it hard for me to see a future with him, but more than that, we are different. He doesn't enjoy what I enjoy, and I don't really enjoy what he does. Also I have this dream to live overseas for a few years, and I want to do it in a few years. I'm afraid he's not in the picture. When I talked to him that I don't see future with him as a reason that I want one month break, he said I'm just in my head and there's only present and people I have right now, and there's no future. He says this is not a legitimate reason to break up.
Also, I'm still young and want to explore more. I want to meet more people and experience more before deciding to live forever with one person. He's very experienced and I'm inexperienced. I feel like it's making this relationship not equal.
Am I selfish to feel/think/do this? I'm hurting him so deeply by leaving him and it hurts so much. He's saying I'm selfish to do this and I feel like a horrible person. If I'm wrong to do this, then I want to know so that I can change my perspective and maybe stay with him.
Another concern is that I'm always the one to leave a relationship, because I always start to feel like I "have to" meet him. This relationship is the longest one for me. Is feeling like you "have to" meet your lover normal in a long term relationship? I thought that meant it's time to leave, but if it's not, I want to know.
Finally, my last concern is one time, this happened and this is making me feel like I shouldn't stay. I was feeling lonely at the time, because he was busy with his work. But I didn't say anything because I understood and wanted to be supportive. But I couldn't handle it and finally told him that I was feeling lonely a little. He said it's not him, but I was imagining it. So I doubted myself and I thought I was crazy or something. It was a very hard time for me. But now I think it was gaslighting and the way he treated me was horrible. But after that, I can't think of the time he hurt me.
Other little things that bother me:
When I see other people, he sometimes says things like "enjoy being around other people" and it makes me feel like the bad guy for not prioritizing him.
He gets upset when we're texting back and forth and then I don't reply for a few mins.
Being that said, he's so loving and we laugh together a lot and sweetest to each other most of the time. I feel comfortable around him. He makes me feel better when I'm having a bad day. He is very caring and funny and smart. He puts me first. His priority is me. I don't know if I'll find someone I love as much as I love him....
I'm really need your perspective and advice. I'm sorry for the messy/unorganized message. That's how confused I am, I guess.
Thank you very much.
I can't speak on a whole lot of your situation as I have not experienced it, but one thing I do know is that I have a friend who dated an older man for a very long time. They loved each other very much, they lived together, made an entire life together. Fast forward 12 years and now she is very unhappy, depressed, and angry. She got the life she wanted, she felt cheated by him. Her biggest regret was never having children, because he didn't want to at his age or couldn't idk. But now she hates him, and has trouble even being around me and my family because she is sad and jealous of what we have and thinking that this should be the way her life went. I know it's a hard decision and you may not even want kids. But his way of saying there is no future is wrong, there is a future, a long journey is in front of you and if you don't picture it with him and can't see it that way, maybe it is time to move on.