Still dealing with the trauma of two bad relationships back to back

So let me start off by saying "hello! My name is Violet and thank God this board exists."

To begin, 2017/2018 were not great years for me because I got into two bad relationships with little to no time in between them (100% my fault on that). Both of my exes were emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me. Ex #1 was emotionally distant and gaslit me the entire time I was with him (more on that later). Ex #2 expected too much intimacy at once and often guilt tripped me for not being affectionate enough with him. Ex #2 still blames me for his issues with his family and his mental health.

Ex #2 also expected me to immediately get on board with marrying him and having kids when I told him from the getgo I wasn't comfortable with the idea. He kept pushing it through guilt tripping me and by saying "I'll change my mind soon enough."

Ex #2 was also a massive hypocrite. He'll tell me that he would provide for me 100% but then turn around and tell me that I couldn't shop at certain stores if they went against his beliefs.

Back to Ex #1, he tried to convince me (and mostly himself) that it was only a casual relationship when he and I both knew we had real feelings for each other. He constantly said I was crazy because I kept questioning our relationship.

It's been several months since I broke up with Ex #2 and over a year since I left Ex #1. I've tried to get back to dating, but every time I do, I just can't bring myself to open up to anyone. I'm stuck 😔