Still in Emotional Affair
I've been in an emotional affair for a while. I understand there's no reason to be unfaithful but to be blunt, I was broken. My spouse denied my want to go therapy(I had been secretly depressed for 4 months) and denied my feelings of depression. I understand I don't need someone else's validation to seek help, but they are the one person I hold true to my heart, my lover, my best friend...and they yelled at me for wanting therapy. I was discouraged and ended up shutting down.
Now my spouse knows I've been in an emtional affair. They still wants to work out things and be together. This is absolutely destroying me inside. I get so frustrated with myself because I can't tell if I'm truly committed to him.
I feel like I can't trust them to change their ways even though they promise that they will change. There has been 1-2 scary/physical(not exactly) moments. I feel emotionally abused and maybe I'm responsible for the same to them at times. I feel like we are both toxic to one another and I feel like I've been hurt more than him(not to speak for them). They never had an issue with the relationship until I confessed I was unhappy and had been for months.
They have given me three ultimatums at this point. They have been patient. I have tried to address things I believe to be lacking in the relationship...but now they say I didn't try hard enough and I needed to "spell it out" for them. I don't trust them with my emotions and they shouldn't trust me.
@marshxmallow
Sorry, I can't give you tough love, only a perspective from a guy stuck in a sexless marriage and missing emotional support from my wife. She is resistent to counseling. Everything is my fault. She takes no ownership of her avoidant personality that pushes me away. I'm reading Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It was recommended by my life coach. It has been very helpful to show me the anxious avoidant trap and how people like me who want affection get pushed away by people who hold back affection.
Perhaps you are stuck in the trap too. Fortunately, there is a way out. It starts with recognizing the behaviors that push your buttons and cause you to pursue what they call "protest behavior".
I could tell you more, but I don't know how to PM on this platform and I don't like to air my dirty laundry.
All I can say is don't be too hard on yourself. You have to satisfy your emotional needs in whatever way you can. When you feel shame and guilt, it is just a way for your "gut feel" to tell you to work on satisfying your needs differently.
I’ve gone/am going through something similar. Pm me if you want to talk.
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I can relate. A very hard place to be in. If I can say anything is that it's hard the relationship between you to be good when one or both of you aren't in a good place, or when needs of one person are consistently not being met. You may want to look at that, figure out what you both truly need from the relationship and see if you can find a way to offer it to each other. But one sided relationships in which one feels like they're doing the bigger share of the work often lead to resentment and unresolved problems that just keep piling up. Wishing you strength.
