Still painful
I don't know if any of you saw my previous post but I'll briefly explain here.
I started a relationship with a girl I met online on around the 13th November 2019. Everything was great, I even flew out to meet her. However the problems started when I left, she had previously explained to me how she'd had anxiety problems but not the full extent. On more than one occasion she'd have these toxic outbursts at me and others.
A couple of times even downright threatening to commit suicide and petty much blaming it on me.
Of course I couldn't deal with this so against my wanting and better judgement, painfully decided to break up with her on the 20th of march.
I know not the longest relationship in the world but still enough to effect me.
Recently she's gotten in contact to see how I am and note how's she's doing. Including saying how she's potentially found someone new.
This still breaks me to hear, it's like a torture every time I think or hear it.
Someone that I didn't want to break up with and who I still care for regardless of her comments, is about to get involved with someone else and theres nothing I can do about it being 650 odd miles away.
I don't know how to move on from this or stop thinking about it, I feel so lonely at the moment like at the bottom of well, with no way out because I lost a lot of confidence in myself and have a low self esteem.
@DimensionJumper. you Deserve soo much better then that i would take this as a lesson hopefully it won't happen again Good luck.
@sallyanne1994568 Thank you for saying.
@DimensionJumper
hey, i know how you feel. its been months since my ex and i split and i only feel lonelier as the days go by. but we split up for a reason, and i know that its for the best. reminding myself why we split usually stops me from fantasizing about a future in which i'm still with him because fantasizing about those things never helps. all i can say to you is, people don't change unless they want to, you've split for a reason and even though it hurts now and you can't help but care for them, things will get better. itll hurt less to think about how things used to be. it just takes a lot of time. stay safe.
@shayt She mentioned that she has changed since and gotten help with her issues, but in the time it took. I felt it was far too short.
I've had other people tell me that they've known her for ages and she's been the same for a couple of years. So the fact she could better herself in a month makes me skeptical.
You're right, I did break up with her for a reason despite how hard it is to see right now.
I think these threats of committing suicide have had a knock on effect on myself... I ended up just breaking down at one point and stopped drinking/eating or socialising with anyone for two weeks (I'm better now).
It all just sort of dropped on me, the fact we broke up. The toxic things she said, I wasn't in a great spot.
@DimensionJumper well it's really up to you. A lot of times people like that have been seriously violated and betrayed. You are never to blame for someone making that decision unless you have severely bullied them, which you obviously didn't. Maybe she didn't mean to appear to blame you but just felt extremely overwhelmed, and whatever happened with you had added to that. Again -- not your fault AT ALL. Hope that she gets help and finds a group of people or person who will make her feel safe for a long time. That's what heals her affliction: empathy and kindness. In the meantime, try to find someone who is better for you at the moment. Who knows, maybe you will run into each other when she's healed
@DimensionJumper
I totally understand why it's so hard for you considering that you didn't even want to break up with her in the first place but you were forced to due to the circumstances. It's already very hard to get over such breakups where you're still so attached to the person and on top of that them contacting you to check up on you hurts even more but the part about finding someone new must be totally shattering. It's completely justified the way you feel and I can understand why it's still hurting you. I would say you take it one day at a time, my friend. I really do hope it gets better for you with time and I'm sure it will. You're a very strong and kind hearted person for breaking up with her even when that's the last thing you wanted. Anybody who's in your place would lose some amount of confidence and have issues with self esteem but it's all about gathering some courage and being the best person you're capable of becoming. I really appreciate you sharing so much about a personal story here, so thank you so much for that and I wish you a very good luck. Take care :)
@Affliction1
Thanks for the kind words, it has been hard. Taking it one step at a time.
I've often considered if I've overreacted or made a fuss of nothing really since it's just another breakup. But I feel the circumstances are somewhat varied in comparison. More so since I don't really have any closure other than she's potentially found "x" person.
I somewhat feel tossed aside, not worth much. Like I wasn't worth her time, since she'd previously noted about taking a year to get over someone before and managed it in a month with me.
@DimensionJumper That indeed sounds very harsh and according to my understanding it's not "just another breakup" because breakups can be very hard for people depending on the circumstances. It's not just the same for everyone. If some people feel like breakups aren't painful for them, doesn't mean that it has to be the same for you.
@Affliction1 I don't even know why I still like her. After everything she said and even admitting to having contacts on her Facebook she had "fun" with.
But it's because I think she's the first person I cared for (other than family). It's so hard to get into my head to say goodbye and let her go, since I still don't want to. It just hurts me inside so bad.
But she didn't want to hear and shes blocked me for now. The thoughts are consuming me of her being happy with someone the way she was with me or even sleeping with them.
I wish I could just wipe my memory,
I don't want to cry but a lot of the time I can't avoid it.
@DimensionJumper
Hi friend.
Of course you can cry. That is what our tears for! (I once heard that tears have some relaxian ingredient in them to make us feel more relaxed - not opium, but something else - you can look it up). You have deep emotions, that is why your sorrow is so deep. It is painful, but you have to go through this. We use the same word sorrow when we split up with a loved one as we do when someone dies - think of that. This is hard stuff for us. So take your time dear friend.
With great love Helga.
@Helgafy
Thanks for the words, it's reassuring to hear people say stuff online like that. I'm not normally one for crying where I can help it but, I'm not superman.
Some things do affect me it would seem.
@DimensionJumper
From my knowledge of the situation, I understand that you had deep feelings for her and it usually takes time to make yourself stable but that's alright, it's natural and totally possible. I think you're right when you say that it might be because you cared for her so much. It's indeed very difficult to say goodbye to people who played an important part in your life.
i understand why it's so hard for you to imagine someone else in the role that you wanted yourself to be in. It's completely fine to feel that way.
As the other person above said, it's okay to let yourself feel, it's okay to cry. It's an outlet of your emotions. If it's hurting you, you cry and that's how it works.
I think it was very wise of you to clear things up before meeting her about what things you couldn't offer her. That's actually very thoughtful of you.
We're all humans and some of us have this tendency to blame ourselves for whatever painful incidents happened in our lives. Also, I understand what you mean when you said that it's hard to make yourself believe what your counsellor said because our mind is so powerful sometimes that it makes us believe things even when we know that isn't true.
It sounds like you're going through a tough time and maybe talking to a listener might be beneficial if you feel like it but I'm so thankful to you for trying your best to seek support here in the forum. I really hope venting out here helped you to some extent.
@Affliction1
I think another factor was the fact before I went over to meet her, made it expressly clear that I wasnt too good with my emotions. Showing how how much I care, or supporting those with Anxiety or something related.
I made it expressively clear that I'd not be able to help too well with these issues and that I'd not be able to see her at months at a time. But still she wanted to give it a shot.
@Affliction1
After all of this, I convinced myself it was all my fault that events planned out the way they did. And began to hate myself and convinced myself I'm a bad person. I still do have days on and off where I feel it's all my fault. The councelllor I speak to assured me otherwise but one you get that train of thought in your head, it's hard to get out.
I considered all of this heartache and self loathing as a punishment, for acting the way I did. Breaking things off and still do to an extent.
@DimensionJumper I'm so sorry that it has to happened to you. I experienced almost the same thing as you did but I was the toxic one in this story and we never get to talk again after the breakup. I feel you on an emotional level as I think that we can share our perspectives and try to understand our emotions better if you could send me a message
@tbone225
Thanks for the offer, although I'm not sure how I'd direct message you on here.