Stop being in love?
(Cross posted)
I've been struggling with this break up for months now. I fell in love with my best friend of two years. Everything was going so well, even talking about marriage and future family, until he hit a bad spell with his depression. On a Tuesday, he was telling strangers that I was the most amazing woman and he was so lucky to be marrying me. That Friday, he said I was almost the worst thing to ever happen to him, he was never really in love, move out today. I went NC immediately just due to the confusion, heartbreak, crying, etc. for a few weeks.
Then I found out I'm pregnant. It's a first for both of us and I'd feel like the worst bitch if I had kept it from him, so I told him about the baby and let him know that I wasn't using it as an excuse to manipulate him into reconsidering. I am still trying to resolve that the romantic vacations, all the goals we were building towards, the last two years of my life, were all allegedly a lie.
We are cautiously trying to figure out how to co-parent and what exactly his being supportive looks like. I appreciate that he's not just being a jerk about the baby, but the friendliness is causing more pain and more confusion.
I don't know what went wrong. I don't understand how two people who love each other and are so right together, that it just stops for one all of a sudden. One of his closest friends told me that he said talking more about marriage and specifically a baby terrified him and he decided running was the best idea. I don't know if that's really how he feels or not.
I can't be no contact. This "time" that everyone says it takes is literally growing a reminder of the love I have for him. I've tried being angry but I know his depression has him not thinking well.
I just want the pain, the crying, the wishing he'd realize he made a mistake all to go away. I need to not be in love anymore. Any advice?
Does anyone have any experience with waiting for a man to come to his senses? So many friends, including men, have told me that his whole attitude will change as soon as he holds our daughter for the first time and he will want to be a real family. Does this really happen?
I'm just overwhelmed with all of the decisions that have to be made and what future I'm providing for our daughter. I don't know if I'm doing this alone, what visitation needs to be, his last name or mine, how to feel about both of us dating other people eventually, so on. Any guidance is appreciated.
@84bratgirl
Hello my name is Josh & yes you have a lot going on right now, I believe that you are doing a great job on all of it. My best advice would to be really open & honest about your feelings towards him, let him know exactly how you feel towards him. If you need a chat just click on my profile!
Hey, 84bratgirl.
I have experienced all this last year and that’s the reason I’m here this year. I absolutely understand how your situation is and how anxious you are.
So my ex ever told me he will try his best to support but he might not be a good dad. When a man said something like this. Trust him. Does he care for you? Does he really love you? Check on his behaviors. You know him better than anyone.
Talk with him and check on his attitude. Prioritize yourself when you make a decision. Hugs !
@84bratgirl, i feel this same heartbreak in a big way. One that blindsided me. I still have a difficult time even though it’s been since January the heartbreak still feels the same no matter how many months pass. I hope you are able to just have an open and honest talk with him. If he is still being responsive to you, it may be a good time to digest couples therapy? Even if going through therapy together doesn’t workout the relationship it might help you both to communicate better as co-parents that way everything is out on the table and there is no questions left unanswered. Don’t expect his attitude to change on its own, I’m not saying it won’t or it’s not possible but do not put your hopes into that. See if he is willing to do therapy to work things out not just for the two of you but for your future child. Communication is everything so open that communication with him and let him know where you stand and how you feel. I’m so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and it is completely understandable. Wishing you the best in whatever happens 🙏💕
Reading what you have written makes me think I’m not alone. Also brokeup since February ,he showed his true color on may…it was devastating realizing those four years I spent with someone who never loved me. Like the girl who asked for help. The first two years seem ok, he showered me with so many attentions and compliments…would share everything he did or was doing with me. I thought we were compatible and I saw a future with this guy. We talked abt it and he kinda told me he doesn’t believe in marriage coz how his parents made he feel(domestic violence). But he suggested we move in together to further see things going well or not. Until I was pregnant , he started to giving me the long face, ignore me, making loud noise while doing the chores to silently protest after I disagree on abortion. He verbally agreed to keep it under my insistence on keeping it or else we breakup, though he warned me he might won’t be a good dad. This was when his mask started to slip off, his behaviors were never consistent with the plan we made together.. he would Justify for his hurtful behaviors by making so called for my own good excuses or doubt my intentions as I will stop him from doing what he wants or cheat on him after we get married. When I confronted him for his behaviors, he would neglect my feelings, act indifferent, giving me silence treatment. Then when I reached out few days later to ask for a closure , he would suggest we talk about it face to face like he cares. He would be nice again…but it’s always the same. Future faking, excuses, future faking, excuses…This pattern went on and on until I broke down,one day I went drunk and I cried my guts out ,literally kneel down begging him stop torturing me, giving me a clear answer. If I could I’d rip my heart out to show him I won’t be malicious as he thought I would be. I felt like I’m never enough. Guess what there was not a single emotion on his face. He tilted his head with eyes looking at something else the whole time while I vented.
right I’m gonna jump to the conclusion, he cheated on me with a younger girl kept me in the dark. The girl saw our texts, told me everything. And they are still together…and this was he said after I confronted him “I tried 500ways to dump you. I brokeup with all my exes nicely except you. “
Im still working on myself until now…
not everybody deserves your trust and kindness…
Really focus on what he does not what he says.
I wish you never have to experience this.
We have been talking and spending more time together the last couple of weeks. We've discussed what we felt was wrong and we've both admitted what we could have done better and what we're working on with ourselves, but we have not discussed feelings. He freely admits to others that he lost me because he was being stupid and had a bad attitude.
His Dad started having complications with his cancer meds, so he called me for help and I spent two weeks getting Dad back on track. Then Dad's pacemaker started acting up and we just got him back out of the hospital this week for that. Our friend was diagnosed with leukemia this week and his uncle was moved to hospice (basically death watch) as well. Another friend of ours recently committed suicide over his own health issues. Between all of these health/death events and fighting to keep the 40 year family business thriving, it's not been the best time to get into a stressful feelings conversation.
By his actions, I know he cares and that he loves me in a way. He is SO excited about our daughter and becoming a father, even though he's still terrified. We are well aware that each of us are really depressed overall, but the baby and doing things for the baby makes us happy. I know he's going to do his best to be a great father and he knows I'm going to be a great mother.
He wants to take me on a babymoon vacation in November before the baby gets here. Maybe that will be a better time to talk about feelings, when it's just us and no stressful distractions. That also gives us more time to continue discussing the relationship without pressure or me making him feel guilty.
We have another ultrasound this afternoon. It'll be the first one he's made it to, so I'm anxious to see how he feels after seeing and hearing her in person.
I did get him to go back to therapy, but I know he's not being as honest with the doctor as he tends to be with me. So I still let him talk through things, encourage healthy decisions and behaviors, just be as loving as he'll allow at this point, and encourage him to be more serious with the doctor. I love the man, I can't abandon him. I just swallow my hurt and soldier on, waiting for the day when he's ready to hear my side.
@84bratgirl,
might be an idea to suggest couples counseling too.
Be careful to not get dragged in, to be too understanding. Take care of you first. Use boundaries. My wife crossed her own boundaries, the way she tried to help didn't help, and she took it all personally. We are no longer together. And yes, we deeply love each other.
Again, you should come first, don't sell out.
My priority is my daughter, with or without him. I understand what you're saying. I'd give any friend an hour of my time once or twice a week for them to vent though. Couple's therapy is a good idea. Even if it's just to clean the slate for our daughter.
