Stuck
I’ve been wanting to leave my relationship for about a month (this is when I firmly decided that I’m finished) due to too many ups and downs to the point where I literally feel like when we have a good period that Im literally waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
However I haven’t left yet because my partner informed me on the state of their mental health and it’s very fragile at the moment at the point where they contemplate not being alive. They seek professional help at the moment by the way.
Im scared that a break up would be their ‘last straw’ so I’m very conflicted at the moment.
However, there’s things that i’ve been noticing recently (after the conversation about their mental health) that really worry me:
- They’ve started to become physically more aggressive even during things that start of as playful, they don’t listen to me when I ask them to stop and in the end there’s been occasions where I end up slightly physically hurt.
- They’ve become really entitled to my body and sex happens whenever, for as long and as hard/painful as they want it, by the end I usually stop enjoying it nowadays because there’s 0 intimacy left and it feels too animalistic and leaves me feeling a bit used
- ^An example of this would be me being almost asleep and then feeling the need to touch me sexually and then initiate sex because ‘I happened to wake up at a good time’
- They keep asking how the relationship is but if I bring something up, they get defensive and sometimes bring up their mental health knowing that I feel guilty and stuck
Is it selfish for me to finally leave someone who’s in this place mentally even if they’re showing signs of minor abusiveness, I’m so conflicted because i’m not sure if I should put myself through that.
@straightforwardBeechwood6877
I understand how difficult something like this is. You do not want to put them in a worse state than they are already in yet they are intruding on your boundaries so much so that it is abusive. You should be proud to recognize these behaviors. You should realize that he may be saying things about his mental health in order to keep you in the relationship. I applaud you for considering their safety but yours is also important. What I recommend is contacting an abuse hotline and describing your situation. Not only will they give better insight into how to deal with an abusive partner, but they will also provide resources that will help keep you and your partner safe. I am a recovering abuser and I have already witnessed the consequences that occur from staying in an abusive relationship. Your partner needs to learn that what they are doing is manipulative and wrong. You are an individual that deserves to be treated like a human, not an object. So please, contact the hotline, and consider talking to a family member or close friend immediately. It is so hard to open up about these things but please know that you are worth so much more than the abuse you are being put through. You understandably care a lot about this person, but they may need to experience something as drastic as a breakup in order to stop their abusive behaviors. You communicating to them how you feel has not made them stop so far, so I only fear that those types of measures are needed. I wish the best for you and I hope you gain the courage you need to make the decision you want.
thank you so much for really understanding. I was able to really spot the signs of abuse because it’s only started happening in such a short time.
I just texted him telling him how i feel about the sexual side of the relationship and mentioned that i’ve even got bruising on my neck and thighs. Waiting to hear his response. It’s hard literally going home and feeling almost traumatised from something that used to be nice within the relationship.
Im really ready to leave and i’ll definitely search a hotline local to me that can give me this guidance because I really do need it. It’s not the easiest situation to walk out of but it’s one i know i have to at this point.
yet again thank you for the advice i hadn’t thought of because i didn’t know if this was fully classed as abuse because you see other people getting hit and stuff and it’s hard to class some things the same as their hard situation.
Hey quick update, I messaged the helpline and we’re going through an exit plan currently. They really helped me highlight that it wasn’t as minor as I thought after we talked about the situations in detail.
I am so happy that you were able to get ahold of the hotline. I'm even happier that you're finally leaving this dangerous situation. Please stay strong because there's going to be a lot of different emotions hitting you at once these next few weeks. Yet I know you'll get through it and you'll realize how much happier you without an abuser in your life. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything. I wish nothing but joy for you.
we broke up yesterday, it was hard but it’s done
Bless you and please take care of yourself. It's always smart to establish no-contact as soon as possible and to make sure you heal. This will take a long as it needs so please do not rush anything. I wish you so much luck on this journey.
@straightforwardBeechwood6877,
this is not minor abusiveness, this is abuse with a capital a.
No matter what mental state he is in, there is no excuse for repeatedly abusing you like that.
You are not responsible for his mental health. You can try to help, is all, as long as it doesn't go at your expense.
I got severely depressed and was not fun for my wife to be around with. I did not express the abuse you describe but I would get very angry at times. A nasty pattern developed.
A long story, we did counseling. My wife made a mistake which triggered me, over and over. Our marriage ended, I moved out about 2 weeks ago.
I never blamed my wife neither did I abuse her on purpose. I would never have tried to manipulate her.
If she would have kicked me out, she had all reason to do so. If that would have pushed me over the edge, that would have been my responsibility.
You are not responsible for him. Live for your true self first. Find a good place to stay at. Maybe you have a good friend you can stay at for a while.
Pack. Leave. Don't tell him that you leave and don't leave any contact details. Cut all ties. You are in a very nasty and harmful situation and I'd advice you to get the bleep out of it.
You matter, you matter first. If you matter enough to your true self to have space for others, for free, cool. But right now you have started to consume your own space and you need to rebuild that first. Heal first. Take care of you first.
Warmth and love to you.
As you said Im ready to put me first because i’m only holding onto this relationship because i didn’t want his mental state to decline but when I see that my mental AND physical is starting to decline, it’s not worth it.
I do need to tread lightly when exiting it and as the other reply said i’m going to seek help from a helpline that will give me the right advice.
Im not too sure what kind of guy he would be after a break up which is annoying because i live with my family and he knows where it is but I hope that isn’t a danger or anything.
But thank you for the reality check that i’ve been trying to tell myself but haven’t really listened to yet!
I was with someone for 16 years.. whenever I would leave he would say he’s going to kill himself and he hated his life.. my heart is so kind I would be scared and I would stay.. but in the end.. I was miserable and he didn’t care.. I don’t regret leaving him.. I regret how long it took. The time I spent trying to take care of someone who wouldn’t do the same for me… wasted.. Things can get better.. but in most relationships like that.. unless they want to do better, it will only get worse. Please don’t waste ur time money and energy.. when u could be happily alone or even with someone else.
100%, I finally made the decision to leave a few days ago, although hard I know it was the right decision and i’m surrounded by love and support from friends, family and most important myself.