Surreal, painful, and confusing split...
My fiance and I broke up two weeks ago. We have a beautiful 2 year old son, and two other boys from previous relationships.
The last six months have been hell. She came out about a substance problem, and immediately started putting up walls and getting upset when I couldn't get around them. It had been getting worse and worse until it exploded into a fight at 2 in the morning that woke the whole house up.
At that point, she decided she was done, and I left. We have since started couples therapy, which gives me a little hope, but she is telling me that it is over and I need to move on.
This seems impossible. She is my best friend, partner, mother of my children, and love of my life. She helped save my life when I went into recovery myself a couple years back, and we have experienced so much growth as a couple, and as a family. I feel like she has decided to cut me loose as an act of self-preservation, but I'm horrified at the possible outcomes of her decision since her depression has been getting worse and worse, and her addiction is going entirely untreated. It feels like she is pushing me out so those things have room to grow.
This is the hardest loss I've ever felt. I am having a hard time coping, and I feel as if all the phenomena of the last six months has finally broken me. Any insight would be nice.
Thanks.
@hangnail,
I feel you, and can relate to you. I am in a similar situation (no substance abuse and no kids involved though).
Couples therapy focuses on (improving) communication between the to of you, not on repairing the relationship. Having sad that, as you guys have kids, I would suggest that you focus on couples therapy to improve communication so you guys can communicate in a "normal" way, so your kids will not pay for the breakup.
Whether or not your wife is in a good place and whatever her decision, you have no choice than to respect her decision. Actually, best you can do is literally tell her during one of your couples therapy session, "I understand".
You are fully entitled to be devastated. I have been devastated for 3 months and counting ;)
Also, you have the full right to be concerned about her. Shows you care.I have been very concerned about my wife, have expressed that a couple of times via email to our couples counselor, and finally, at the 2nd attempt of the counselor, my wife has taken her advice and got herself her own therapist. To, instead of continuously expressing my concern to my wife (doesn't work), I expressed them directly to our counselor.
Bottom line, I feel you, however there is nothing you can do. Well, apart from focusing on your self, your true self, your inner child as some folks call it.
I have started applying mindfulness and it helps. Just like taking up photographing again. I am a total amateur, I can wait though for an hour for the perfect light-fall for instance. During that hour, I am fully present. There are no worries, no concerns, no thought, well there are thought but they can't take over hence trigger my emotions.
Talk to friends, especially like one or two very close ones who won't take sides. Hope is OK, I still have hope, although my wife has made it clear that she does not want a romantic rel.ship with me and neither does she want to live with me as a partner. I had hope, and was very confused, as I am the love of her life, and vice versa, wants me to stay close, become close friends, has full trust that I will be able to deal with the issue that made her decide tom divorce. Yet she wants a divorce.
What I am trying to tell you, love simply ain't enough. Well it might be if both involved are pretty aware but if that would be the case, nobody would file for divorce.
Let it all in, let it go (as in, accept you have no control over her. Focus on yourself. Get support from people who won't take sides and won't judge and are not afraid to make you look in the mirror.
All you can do is respect her choice, do not do anything that pushes her away. Give her space. It's OK to tell how you feel and show your feelings. But don't make a habit out of it, and most definitely don't keep on repeating the past. The past is the past, all there is is the present.
If you express your feelings, stay within yourself, speak from within. No labeling, no judging. No arguing, not even if she responds. If she shares any feelings, just simply reply by saying "I understand". Nothing more, nothing less. Saying "I understand" invites the other to say more, if the other wants to. It offers space. It offers the other space to share how the other feels.
When she talks, listen, just listen. It's that simple, if you set your self to it. Don't give in to that urge to respond. If she wants a respond, she'll let you know, verbally or non-verbally.
So, focus on your self. Don't let your life revolve around her. Hope is OK, but don't hang on to it, it should stay far far far in the background.
Warmth and love to both of you, and your kids.
You are absolutely right about everything, and it all hurts so f@#$ing much right now.
"I need a new chapter in my life, and one without you in it"
That one stung at therapy tonight.
@hangnail,
yeah, I know the feelings. Actually, have been there a few times as I am pretty good in ruining relationship that I am in, whatever kind of relationship.
It's called f*cking triggers, and I found out, finally, how to be able to stop them, actually, how to be aware of them arising. If they have arisen, you are too late. Finding out, our marriage counselor handed me the key by asking a simple question. Not too late for me, too late for my marriage as my wife can't cope anymore with my behavior. Even though she is fully confident that I will get them of them blo*dy triggers, and on rather short notice (although they are not all gone yet, less anger, better control, yet still there so her confidence went down the drain, now she is thinking "years" instead of "month" (I already put an enormous lot of effort in, so more than halfway already).
"I need a new chapter in my life, and one without you in it"
Don't take that personal, even if the intend might have been personal. Easier said then done as you are still emotionally involved.
It could be worse. Said to my wife "will try to find a job asap so I can move out asap and we can leave all of this behind and close the book".
She replied "yes please", as for closing the book. Is our marriage over? Yes, not really a surprise, there was already serious damage when we started marriage counseling. That is in my opinion why marriage counseling tends to fail,you start when you are already beyond the point of no return. As in, too late.
Let's say, you are in a relationship. Everything goes swell. Until tension arise, for whatever reason. You push them aside, or, even worse, both partners push them aside. Not once, not twice, no, until you are really starting to get annoyed. That moment should be the moment where both of you should look deep in their heart and ask themselves whether you feel love for the other, and what kind of love. If you truly feel love, just like that, you did not even have time to think on it, if both of you are on that level, on that page, then get help, before it is too late.
Take care.
That's tough, man. I feel you. Hang in there. We got this.