Talk to me about "insecure attachment"

@peacefulforest75

I am sorry to hear you and your husband are struggling a little bit this recent time. But its amazing that you two can go to counselors together and show an effort to want to work on your relationship together! Become the team again that you used to be.

Nine years is for sure a long time and its easy to slowly forget or overlook the ‘small things and suddenly you are in the middle of finding yourself unhappy. I do strongly believe that it is possible to heal and repair, if both people in the relationship want that, respect each other and try their hardest.

Starting with communication skills is the most effective way! If your counselor is not giving you more, I am happy to send you a whole lot of resource in another post!

But since you asked about Insecure Attachment, here goes:

Insecure attachment is indeed an interesting topic. Was the counselor talking about an Anxious Attachment Style or an Avoidant Attachment Style? Both of those are insecure.

If you are not sure you can try taking this test: https://www.attachedthebook.com/compatibility-quiz/

Here are two loose definitions:

People with an anxious attachment style are generally nervous and stressed. Therefore, they spend a lot of time worrying about their relationship. They constantly wonder if their partner loves them back or not. It is vital for them to be very affectionate and to be constantly reassured by their partner. They suffer more from being single and often find themselves in unhealthy relationships. Anxious people are literally anxious about trusting people, even when they are close to them. Most of the time they act unreasonable and irrational or cry that their partners are cold-blooded and insensitive. This style of attachment forms when parental responsiveness and availability is inconsistent or unpredictable.

The avoidant attachment style is characterized by being uncomfortable with intimacy. Avoidant people are very independent and fear commitment. For them, its easy to find a reason why their partner is not ‘the one and reject closeness. You will hear them say things like I cant breathe in this relationship! You suffocate me!. It shouldnt be a surprise that they will always have an exit strategy to get out of the relationship. Deep inside they know that the relationship ‘is not forever anyways. They describe themselves as ‘lone wolves.Avoidant attachment results from having some needs meet and others neglected. Parents provide for their children; however, these are children usually play by themselves and dont get held enough.

I also found this cute blog that talks about how to change your attachment style: https://jezmeralda.com/change-attachment-style/

The bottom line is that Anxiously attached people need to heavily invest into themselves and build their confidence. And Avoidant Attached people can work on finding ways to let go and work on sharing themselves more.

Maybe working your way towards a more secure attachment will take a lot of pressure off and remove a big chunk of conflict that you and your husband are experiencing.

Also:

Again, I am sorry to hear about your husband and what you suspect is gaslighting. Unfortunately, we can only change ourselves and not our partners. But often positive change within our selves is reflected by our partners. So with some time and hard effort, I am certain you can change your husband's habit of becoming defensive.

Him becoming defensive and counterattacking gives you a hint that he indeed does feel attacked. What helped me and my husband was to actively practice using i-statements instead of you-statements.

It took me a lot of practice but now I am getting much better with it.

By using i-statements you take the blame out of a conversation.

Example:

You-Statement You never listen

i-Statement I feel unheard

You-Statement: You never take the trash out!

i-Statement: I feel overwhelmed with all the house chores.

@peacefulforest75

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 6. We've been struggling the past couple years, although if I'm honest with myself, I've been unhappy for longer than that. (This tells me you don't feel good enough or that you deserve the better) It seems like we've been struggling because I finally decided to speak up and voice my unhappiness (This was a lot of things kept inside because you fear something negativetly would happen. This indicates you were afraid to communicate your needs and to stand up for yourself as well, in your past they shut you down and didn't put much importance into how you feel, so now that fear is being carried in your marriage) after he complained I wasn't been affectionate or appreciative enough. I wasn't feeling affectionate or appreciative because I didn't feel loved...and around and around we go. (This tells me you didn't feel heard, understood, comfortable, safe and loved, so it will make you shut down on him. I believe if he used effective communication and understand where you are coming from then it would have cause you to feel attracted to him and then you would have feel connected again. He is trying to force things, when in reality is his fault you are backing away)

We saw a marriage counselor for awhile about a year ago, and although he thought it helped I found it awful. It seemed that all we did was rehash old conflicts as if the counselor was a judge. (it's important to talk about the past conflicts because none of them were ever solved which built resentments and more distance. Remember every conflict needs to be process, dealt and then heal on order for things to get better) The counselor did provide us with some resources for improving our communication with each other, which we didn't really use.Things didn't really improve, then got worse. (How you two expcted to improve when you two didn't use the resources?)

Recently I suggested that I go along with him when he sees his own personal counselor. He was a bit resistant at first, then agreed. His counselor was amazing! The second time we met, he suggested I might have an "insecure attachment" and the description seemed right to me. (did the counselor said which one?)) We plan on going back soon, and I want to ask how we can fix that. (It's not something that can be fix right away. The counselor would have to look at your past and upbringing first, and then slowly start working on each issue)

When I think about it, I don't feel emotionally secure with my husband. When we argue, he often gets very defensive and counterattacks. (His behavior comes from insecurities, projection and defensiveness. He doesn't have the tools to show empathy or to not take things personally so he often loses emotional self control. I believe he had parents who would criticize him or were instrusive, so when theres arguments his anxiety triggers, and then it triggers your anxiety, which make both people feel disconnected with one another. The number one reason theres arguments is because of anxiety, not the surface things you two usually argue about) I read up on gaslighting, and he does this sometimes. (You would have to talk about it with your counselor because gaslighting is something very serious. I think he often projects and shifts blame on you because he has zero awareness of his internal world and doesn't think he is the problem) I think he does it from a place of insecurity rather than a desire for manipulation, (Those are traits of the avoidant attachment, where they get hostile and project how they feel inside on you) but it has the same effect of making me doubt myself and take the blame for our problems. (I understand what you mean, its tough taking a step when he is shifting the blame on you because in the past you were often blame for everything and you don't have a strong sense of self) He is slowly becoming more open to hearing my feelings when I'm able to use "I feel...." language, (That's good, just make sure you don't justify your feelings such as "I feel hurt because you are not listening to me" because its going to get him to behave defensive. The best way to say is "I feel hurt when my feeling are being dismissed, I want to be heard and understood", in here you are owning up to your feelings and telling him how he can fix it) but it is very hard to express my hurt so carefully. He hasn't changed his communication style and actually mocked me when I reworded his statement using "I feel" language. (I know how annoying and hurtful this could be, he is behaving in a passive-agressive way by using sarcasm to express his anger. I think he has to do a lot of growing up and work on himself because he is ruining this marriage with his childish behavior)

If the root of my insecurity is his tendency to gaslight me and generally discount my feelings,(I don't know if he is gaslighting since this is something a counselor should look into it. I think he is being dismissive, minimizing how you feel and acting hostile. I also think solving problems and working on issues communicates closeness which he doesn't want to be as close to you since it comes with a lot of hurt and pain. In his childhood people often dismissed and minimized how he felt, so now he is doing the same to you because he learned to not prioritize a person feelings/emotions) how in the world can we fix this? (He would need to do major work on himself, but i don't think its something he is willing to do) Is it even worth saving? (No) He is a good person and we have compatible lifestyles for the most part. We're a blended family (he has a stepdaughter who mostly lives with her mom now--it's a mess, and I have a son he adopted). I did love him once but I'm not sure if I still do. I'm trying. (You are with a person with whom you dont really love or feel safe, but yet you are on a relationship with him and trying. I think you keep trying because in an unconcious level you want to fix the attachment issues you had with your parents and you don't feel like you deserve better. You do deserve to be treated better than this, you have work so hard to improve while he is pretty much doing nothing to work on things. You need to have self-respect and not tolerate his behavior because he has not modify his behavior. You are also afraid to be alone and to start all over again)