The End is Also The Beginning

Yesterday was hard, today was harder; I have hope for a better tomorrow. A couch is only that, an item; but we bought that couch together. We decided as a couple that it was the most comfortable for us, and had the most unique color that matched our style. A dresser is only that, another item (or two); but we both had our own. When we moved into our first apartment together, we had to make sure we had enough space for both of our dressers. We ended up renting a two bedroom apartment, and use mine for the guest room (of course). It made sense anyway because yours had a mirror. A makeup vanity is just a thing, but I found it on clearance and pointed it out to you. It was one of your favorite pieces of furniture, you used it everyday. You had your writing desk for homework or whatever you wanted to do at the time. You got a nice little cabinet from a friend, with glass doors; I remember how much you loved it. Now they’re all gone, and I’m laying on the mattress alone, on the floor, in an empty house. All the memories are so fresh and vivid in my mind, that it’s hard to believe that she’s gone. We weren’t right for each other, and my problematic priorities made things worse. We were both so toxic for each other, and economic issues only exasperated our issues until they boiled over. Sometimes my mind becomes so attached to the good times, that I have a hard time thinking about the toxic things she did to me. Actions that hurt me, words which could never be taken back; so many instances where any other person than me would have left her right then and there. I didn’t, though. I always had hope; perhaps too much. And now I’ve shed away the toxicity, everything is gone. And I’m free to start over again. Do things the right way, this time around. The memories are still there, though. The house might be empty, but it’s filled with memories of the bad and good days. I wish I could donate those things to charity… So I will. I’ll use them to help others, and by helping others, I will help myself become free from the pain. The past is gone, the future has been planned; now I only have my present time. In an empty house, alone. I’ll be okay; I hope she’s okay. One day the hole in my chest will heal from my own self love and respect. One day the sinking feeling in my stomach will become butterflies again. The tears will be replaced by joy. I wish I didn’t feel so conflicted over that transformation, but that’s my mind playing tricks on me, because it’s hard to remember how many bad times there were. Moments of terrible anxiety, panic, and fear. The feelings of abandonment, and being alone while she was right next to me. “Ever forward.” I say to myself. I’m going to put one foot in front of the other, take each day as it comes. I’m going to stay true to myself, my values and principles. And I will better manage my priorities. I will learn and grow, relentlessly pressing myself forward. I cannot, and will not be stopped from my goals; but I will also never forget. And that’s a blessing, and a curse.