The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
I need to stop looking at her tumblr.... it makes me cry every time. I miss her so much, I miss her as my friend. I don't want to say that we can never be friends again but it feels like we can't. It just feels like she still is holding out for the future... like she wants to be friends in the future. She doesn't block my phone number even though she always says she will, she doesn't unfriend me on facebook even though she always says she will, she still answers my texts even though she says she never wants to speak to me again. I feel like in time maybe we could atleast talk again, not about us or anything that happened but I feel like she is keeping me around so sometime in the future maybe we could meet up, catch up on each others lives, talk and laugh with each other again. BUT not until we leave the past in the past. I feel that is why she is so cold to me now, so that I have an easier time moving forward without her
Do what I did delete every account you have where she can't check in on you and you can't fall into snooping in on her. The only time I contact my ex is about our kids. I was dumb at first thinking she will realize what she's missing and come back to me. But now I look at it as a learning experience and we have beautiful kids. When I think of all the fun times I always end the memory by remembering a bad one. I know what your going through man and I will say it's tough. But use this knowledge in the future I know that I am. When I see the red flags of emotionally unavailablity I will be a lot smarter. Because they can act like they have changed or truly love you but tend to fall back at some point. Don't be anyone's doormat! Your a great guy that loves with all your heart. Yes it sucks but there's a woman out there looking for someone like you. That loves with all her heart.
She's not good for me and that's that
Her tumblr is killing me. Tonights most recent quote:
"You and I were probably never meant to be, but I loved every single second that I spent with you. You meant everything to to me, but to you, I was just another queen in the deck of cards."
I always called her my queen. Seriously, it's obvious now. She cared about me and misses me. She is hurting she just doesn't want to show it. Fuck this sucks
She's on tumblr right now. Just now posted:
"*loves being independent and spending time with myself
*wants to get married Tomorrow"
This is killing me. I know she misses me
I'm lying to myself. I am forcing myself to move on. Shit I FUCKING HATE the girl that I have been talking to. She's nothing to me. I want her back. I am trying to force myself to move on so that I can try to have her back in my life sooner. It's all an act. I think that if i start dating again I can prove to her that I am over her so that we can be friends. I realize all this yet I still don't know where to go from here. I am drinking myself to death every night because I am too chicken to kill myself and I like to be able to say "I am better than suicide" so instead I am taking the long way out... atleast until I join the military and get shot in some shit hole somewhere. I don't care about anything. I don't care about myself or my friends or anyone. All I care about is having her in my life again. I seriously don't give A FUCK about this world without her. She is everything to me and it kills me inside to think that she believes that we weren't "meant" for each other. It kills me to think that she believes I will find someone better than her who deserves my love. It kills me to think that she believes we are both better without each other. It kills me every second I am not with her
@SirPounceALot
Have you told her you love her and want to marry her? Does she KNOW? Or are you just friends? Were you just dating? She may not know what you feel. You neec to tell her if she doesn't know.
@littlePeach604 we were engaged....
I want to marry her
@SirPounceALot I'm so sorry thou feel this way,.. It both need to move on and see what happens down the line.., I spent a half an hour talkin ton his new girlfend and she told me while rolling her eyes that her new significant other invited her to vacation with his family in September. Around my birthday when we had vbeen talking about spending time together and he made me feel bad for pressuring him...I drunkenly text him and told him I knew and that he shouldn't trust her because she's been on the ship for two days and mentioned she thinks our gay cruise director means to fuck her and she has been flirting with guys in ythe crew bar. She has only mentioned to the females that she has a boyfriend. He is begging me to tell hin what I know. What I know is that she always cheated on her ex before him and that she broke up with her ex once before. But I won't tell him. He tried to say if you ever were my friend. Of he ever was my friend, he would have told me 8 months ago that he had no desire to date me and not say he wasn't ready for a relationship. Sometimes, we have to believe thebsruff we don't want to to understand the situation. The simplest answer is the best,,. :(
Her tumblr is so confusing. After her posting all these quotes that were clearly about her loving me, last night she posted some new things:
"Lol you're fake"
"I hate everyone"
"Nah, I hate you"
And last but not least a giant animated middled finger
Well it looks like she finally came to a conclusion on whether or not she hates me.
I still don't believe that she hates me or that she doesn't love me/never loved me. I know she loved me and I think she still does. She is just putting on a show like she has always done. It's easier for her to put on her mask and walk away a "heartbreaker" then let herself truly be in love. That's just who she is. Shit she doesn't have to be honest with me but I wish she would be honest with herself. Dating this ex of hers is clearly a revenge thing and the poor guy is just going to get hurt, every guy she dates is just going to get hurt until she puts away that mask. I still care about her and I want her to be happy. I have seen her truly happy and right now she isn't happy. I made her truly happy before. And the sad part is, i'm still here for her if she wants to be truly happy again. That's just who I am. I can't stop caring about her, I never will stop. I will always love her, even if in her mind she has to turn me into an evil ex.
We could never be together ever again.... even if WAY in the future we decided to try again it would never work. I could never trust her again. You can't have a relationship without trust.
@SirPounceALot
I know how you feel. I fell madly in love with s man who I thought loved me. I bared my soul to him and told him things I had never told anyone else. I trusted him completely, but he could not or would not trust me. He wore masks and was too afraid to let anyone see the real him behind the masks. I think he is unused to a woman being completely honest, and is only used to women who play games. His heart has walls around it that are too high. It is a shame, because I think we could have been good for each other and love each other. But, he can not or will not trust me and I trusted him implicitly- to the point of showing him everything in my heart and mind. My feelings for him are so strong, that I would try again if he wanted- even though I know I should not trust some one who will not trust me.