The pain of not moving while they move on

Well she just came over so here is the update. I combined all 3 letters to make a 4th letter. I read it to her and she looked at me with a blank stare afterwards and said nothing. She had nothing to say about it. She said she didn't want to share any of her emotions with me because they would either give me more hope or break my heart again. She still does want to be friends and she believes we could be. I'm not 100% sure but I think she still might have the thought of us being together in the long run in the back of her head for when she is ready for a relationship again but I'm not sure. No matter what I said what I had to say and now I plan on doing nothing. If she reaches out to be friends then fine, if she calls me crying at night again fine, if she ever wants to talk to me again then fine but I can't be the one to continually reach out. It hurts so much but I need to start moving forward without her. I need to continue to improve myself for myself. I am still open to the idea of us being together and honestly it's still something that I want but I am going to try to not dwell on that want and move forward.

Life really isn't fair. So a few hours after we talked someone rang my doorbell. It was the mailman with a package for me. She had sent me a gift when we got back together and it just got here today. The gift was a wireless mouse and computer speakers, 2 things that were on the list of things I wanted for months but since we were living together and money was tight I never got them. They had a note on them that said "I know that you needed these. Love you. E." I cried hard when I got them and read the note. I decided to thank her for them and we talked a little and she said that she is glad that I got them and that I deserve them since I have been working so hard to improve myself recently. Also that she still loves me and would've gotten me these regardless. It hurts so much. Right as I was starting to feel like I could move on and that she wasn't the one for me something like this happens. I feel like i've been thrown right back to the beginning. I miss her even more now and I wist with all my heart to be back with her. Life really isn't fair.

Another thing. (sorry if i am rambling, i've made this my journal almost). I am still logged in to her spotify account and right after we broke up I made her a playlist on it with all of our songs. Since we broke up multiple times I've logged on it to see that she has been listening to my playlist. Right after we talked in person she listened to it. I don't know what this means. I guess I got my answer of if she was hurting as much as I am but now i'm just confused as to why she is acting so tough and not willing to talk if she truly is as hurt as I am.

I am still so confused. Basically i have to say it. I am stalking my ex on social media. I constantly check to see when she wakes up because I know facebook is the first thing she does when she wakes up. I check her twitter almsot every hour because she likes and retweets quotes that I try to believe are about me. I am obsessed. I know that this is now healthy and that it is messing with me. She likes tweets about how "hard it is to not call my ex and get back together" but also tweets about how "you know it's over when you're more in love with the memories than with the person in front of you" and she still listens to our playlist on spotify almost every day. I want to reach out to her but I feel like I cannot. I know we need more time but how much time until I can reach out again? I want to give her enough time to heal from all the pain but I don't want to give her enough time to completely move on.

Ok so i'm sorry if this is illiterate but i'm drunk. So we talked today and apparently she hasn't felt love oteard me since like the first month of our relationship. she has a date on sunday to see a movie with some guy..we haven't even been broken up for a weke yet she has moved on. SHe never loved me. She hates me. We most likely wil never speak again. She has moved so foward past me I hate it. I tired to go to the bars tognigth and hit on girls and I failed. I still love her too mch. She kicked me out of her car and never wants to talk to me again. It's completelt over yet i'm still stuck . She has a freaking date and yet I still love her. This sucks. Why did she move on soooooo fast. She is dating again yet I'm stil ltsuck. I hate life

Well I just woke up hungover as crap. Surprisingly she hasn't blocked me from social media even though she said she was going to. I don't know if she blocked my number and I don't know how to feel. I'm so hurt that she has already moved on. She is already dating again and it hasn't even been a week. When she broke up with me she said she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and she still says that to me yet she is dating. I don't understand her. I have realized I deserve better but it hurts to feel like the time we spent together meant nothing to her. It hurts to still be in love with her when I know that she doesn't deserve my love. I feel broken. I still had hope for us but now I see that it's over. She said that our breakup has truly made her happy. I don't think me and her could ever be friends and I don't know if I want to. I just wish I could truly move on just like she has. I want the pain to stop. I want to accept that it's over yet I still can't. She told me that she was never in love with me but she forced it all this time. She wanted to be in love with me but couldn't. I feel like I am going to fall apart. I am falling apart. She destroyed me.

I am in so much pain. It hurts to think that the time we spent together which meant the world to me was just a distraction to her. The time we spent where I thought we were both in love, she thought of me as a friend she hooked up with. I thought of her as the love of my life. She told me that she is truly over us. She still thinks of me as her best friend during the time we spent together but now she doesn't think we can be friends and neither do I. I knew things were bad but to think that for our entire relationship she didn't feel in love with me hurts. She talked to me about our future, she asked me if I would always be with her, she made it seem like she was in love and that we had a future but I guess that was all a elaborate lie. It hurts that even as I type this I still can feel hope. I still think "what if". I still hope that she will realize her mistake and come back to me. I can't get over her. It hurts that she left and now she has everything yet I am stuck here with nothing. No friends, no money, no life. She has it all. Our breakup gave her it all. I wanted to give her it all yet she only got everything when she left me. I hate her and love her at the same time and my heart aches with every moment.

She is still listening to the playlist that I made her

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It seems to me as though she started moving on quite a while ago. So, I feel like she started the process of moving on well before you even had the chance to. Memories are still well to be cherished, but take your time. If anything at all I can say, is take your time when moving on, but don't let yourself hold on forever. Just know others are here reading this, and ready to help you.

Today was weird. I woke up and cried for what felt like forever. Called a hotline for the like millionth time and ranted for an hour about how i felt. I then walked around for forever and ended up laying in a hammock and thought about things. Oddly enough I felt good. I felt like I was over her. I felt like I was moving forward and I enough thought of a plan for myself. Then I went to work. 8 hours of a slot work shift gave me even more time to think. It was going well until I took my break and of course checked her social media. She tweeted saying "I h8 everything rn" and for some reason my brain saw that and broke. She has also continued the trend of her listening to our playlist everyday. I just feel like she regrets the things she said to me the other day. I know she truly does want to be friends but I can't think about that yet. I might not ever be able to think about that. I want to reach out to her because I know she won't reach out to me but I can't. I'm not ready. I have thought about it alot and I realized that I don't think I want a romantic relationship with her. Our relationship was too toxic to me. But I do want her sitll in my life. I still want to be friends. I know it's too early to even think about that and the stuff she said the other night made it seem like she doesn't want to be friends but I think she said those things to purposefully hurt me so that I could move on and that I could stop having hope. That's the type of person she is. I just wish she would be honest with herself and me and just tell me that she wants to be friends once I am ready. So in summary I am starting to move on. I feel like I have already made so much progress moving forward but I miss her friendship. I want her in my life but I am not ready and it hurts to think I might never be ready.