The pain of not moving while they move on

Last June, I was sexually harassed and touched without my consent. I hate the fact that it was my trusted childhood friend who had done that. My fam just told me to get over it since he was still "young" and didn't know sh*t about it being wrong. My depression came back after that and I really can't get over it. I feel conscious with my body every time I look at it. Months had passed, they've forgotten, I haven't.

My ex just called me. She was completely drunk and sounded so different than I remember her voice. She asked me if I still had something that she left at my place, I forgot to give it back to her. I told her I was pretty sure I had it but I'm at work right now so I'm not sure. She said okay bye and then hung up. I had come so far but hearing her voice messed me up. I'm shocked to the core right now. I feel weird

Her voice messed me up. Dammit!!!! I was doing so good. I have a freaking date coming up!!! I'm supposed to go home and continue to flirt with my new girl but now I'm so messed up in the head I want to go home and talk to my ex and let her know that the I do have the thing she was looking for. I know I shouldn't but I'm messed up in the head right now... who knows what I'll actually do when I get home from work

I just had the weirdest night. I was just on the phone with my ex for 2 hours. She wanted to tell me a secret about The baby that she miscarried when we were dating. She never told me that she did go to the doctor about it and she knew it was a 7 week old girl, she never told me that. Also I found out that the entire time we were dating she was still in love with her ex that she had gotten back together with after we broke up. I called it though, he moved to west virginia so she felt lonely, she is currently dating 6 guys at the same time. She is extremely depressed and anorexic again. We talked about alot. And honestly I feel good. ZERO HOPE of getting back together with her and I don't want to. But it was nice to catch up and talk as friends. She was drunk and she said she probably would never talk to me again unless she was drunk but at the end of our phone call she did say that we could be friendly. She told me she does care about me and that maybe we could talk every once in a while. i'm still in shock about our baby but everything else was weird. It was nice to hear her voice and her laugh again. I know this phone call was an awful idea especially because I was doing better but it was still nice. I got a lot of closure about questions that I wanted answers too tonight.

I feel so weird now. Like she actually admitted to being a crappy girlfriend and how awful she treated me, She admitted to it. And I got closure on a lot of things. It's just weird to me that even though I have made sooo much progress, she is so far past me still. I found out tonight that I was nothing to her. She never was in love with me and to her I was just an intermission for the guy she was meant for. She told me she truly loves the guy she was dating even though she has been cheating on him and he just moved to a different state. She is an awful person and she realizes this about herself. She is not the type of person I woult want to date but honestly she is still someone who i'd want to be freinds with but I know we can't. What's best for me is to not talk to her again. I keep my promises though, If she contacts me I will still answer but I will not contact her. That's how this will be. I need to move on. I need to realize that I can't "fix" her or help her feel better about herself. I need to focus on myself. It was nice to talk again and get closure but that's all tonight was, we caught up. I think I would be happy if we could still catch up from time to time but I know that's not a good idea.

I talked to her alot about the date I have this tuesday. She was very curious about the girl I am going on a date with. She kept calling her my girlfriend and saying "Knowing you she will be your girlfriend soon". It kinda pissed me off but at the same time I know she's right. Any girl that gives me attention will instantly become my everything, that's how I am and I hate that. She messed my brain up for this date a little bit. I was already on the fence about it because I am unsure if i truly like this girl but now I'm thinking I really dont like her. I'm still going to go on the date and give her a chance but I hope she didn't just mess my brain up too much. I was so excited for it and now i'm ehhhh about it. My ex was WAY too curious about her though. She seemed kinda jealous and that made me smile a little. Like I couldn't care less that my ex has been a ho and is dating so many guys and is having sex with alot of guys. We both laughed about it and she called herself a ho. But she totally called me out on it. My ex said "You're going to make this girl your girlfriend because you're lonely".... and thatt's what I am afraid I am going to do.

Also I found out that when we "got back together" she cheated on me with a friend of hers by accident when she was drunk and she didn't care about it at all. To her us getting back together was her just wanted attention and she admitted that us being a thing again was never real.

But she also told me that she never cheated on me when we were really dating for those first 6 months, which makes me happy that She didn't cheat on me when she has pretty much cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had.