The thought of it all being over
So lets see where to begin ive been married almost 6 years and we have a 5 year old and for a while ill be honest i lied about working cause i didnt want her unhappy and to go away cause when things were rough she did before so i cherish her and do all i thought was right when we needed things i would work for my aunt or people i know to make sure we got what we needed. I was the only one working. Then a month ago she knew i wasnt working told me that she has no feelings for me anymore and she hates me and only thinks of me as our childs father and that just killed me cause i have always tried todo everything for so long. So refuses marriage counseling. Gone to the gym and works just about everyday while im home with child. In order todo what i need todo i need compromise otherwise time just ticks by and i feel helpless and alone i have my child who is my best friend. I just dont see how being just me can fix all this she says is my fault. How can i urn trust when she is hardly here and if its working how can i do that. So i just feel time slipping away and nothing i can do
Yesterday was just so horrible i even tried todo self harm cause i couldnt take the pain i still cant. Just horrible things like my lying about work and how we got into a fight and how that was verbal abuse that only person i have to blame is myself for her having no feelings for me. There is nothing i can do. My childhood best friend is giving her a car. Just everything im pretty much good for nothing. It all got to me last night i tried help and no one seemed to care so i found a towing rope and walked in the woods put one end on a tree stepped on rock jumped but the rock wasnt high enough so i gave that up cause its stupid and now just feel like shutting down. I have forgiven myself for my actions but i cant ever forgive myself for the consequence. And everyone ive hurt by being stupid.
@passionateSea6213
Dont ever please take your life!
You CAN make it through this tough time no matter the outcome. But you'll never know if you don't stay alive.
Please seek help. It doesn't have to be this bad and you feel all alone. There are hotlines for immediate moments of crisis or the ER if all else fails.
You said you had insurance? Please consider counseling for yourself or at least go to a doctor or clinic for some help. Tell them how you feel - they won't judge you, they'll help you.
Also you can talk to a Listener here at 7 cups at any time. You can find a Listener by category even. You may have to wait a moment or try a few different ones but someone will click with you. You can read their descriptions even and choose someone you think might help best.
So after my episode of full insanity my mind has kinda snapped. And i ask myself with all the emotional crap on both sides of my situation i have excepted my part my part in it and things i have done wrong. There are many factors i can see open communication had died a long time ago to the point where i felt i had no choice but to lie about me not working. Having that and the fact i had promised she didnt have to work which for awhile had worked just not now cause she wants more out of life. So with all those factors came the anger and resentment. When she had to get work to work past her pain and now enjoys it. Plus a way to just get away from me not anything that she could miss. And me i have been stuck in memories of good times and thinking that well if there were good times they must still be there under walls of anger and fustration. And thats my problem now that i have been so hooked on the past ive failed to see just how far she had truly given up. And thats why i figured the more i pushed the more i would learn. And i had pretty much gotten all my answers. And i think i could be wrong but maybe the best thing todo is even though its hard to let it just be over to stop trying. Cause its not fair on anyone she cant do what i need in someone and no matter what i do isnt going to be good enough. Plus even if by some chance she wanted to stay it would never be the same or what it was. And id always have to walk on eggshells and if one thing didnt go right then all this would always get thrown in my face. Now if i can really listen to my own words id be great. But i know its hard cause i love her so very much and my son as well. My only wish growing up was to just have a family the only sad part is i sabotaged and see destroyed it but thats something ill have to work on in fixing myself.
Today I moved out of my partners as my toxic ways slowly destroyed everything. Be cause of the way I acted I lost my family.
@Healeradam93
Would you like to talk about it?
I started this thread on hopes if i prayed enough hoped enough id be able to keep the woman of my dreams but it will never happen and im just the pure defination of insanity doing the same thing over and over again for hopes of getting a different result but you know when its over it just is. So ill just finish this off by saying im sorry to everyone that has tried but at the end of the day there is no point.
@passionateSea6213
Dont give up on yourself. Don't give up on your child. Whatever may be you have a job coming in two weeks, right?
Things can turn around for you.
Sometimes I think about divorce because my marriage isn't doing so well and I think does anything else really even matter if my marriage doesn't work?
Yet I know whatever the outcome I must hold on. Life isn't through with me yet. And I'm not through with it.
I hope you can find the same in yourself. Please hang in there.
I try to hold on to anything. But with no happiness in my heart i find no joy in anything. After trying everything i could and do everything my wife wanted me todo to just be told that she thinks us is never going to happen cause of my huge mistake and anything i saw weither it be the truth or not is just an excuse where there was no excuse she feels decived and just cant. She says she already has in place things for her and our son. So even though my son wants us to stay together and i do. No matter how hard i try i just dont see a purpose anymore my purpose was always to my family take that away and i really dont see a point. Its just a lonely life waiting for death is really all that is left
@passionateSea6213
So everything i try to bottle inside kinda came out today and seen in anger instead of how i wanted i learned that it is prolly better if we stop living together cause its not helping the healing process. I let out my anger cause being home just staring at walls has gotten to me and the feeling of my wife who was suspose to be my best friend just not care and i just couldnt deal with it anymore.
@passionateSea6213
Just so I understand, you made a mistake which has caused a huge amount of tension in your relationship and now you're both having trouble moving past it?
@passionateSea6213
First and foremost, please talk to a professional as soon as possible. If your having thought of self harm or suicide you need someone to help you remember the reasons you want to live. You cannot make any changes for the better if you are a danger to yourself.
I understand the feeling though. When the pain is so bad you just want it to go away. But things will get better, things will change even though it seems hopeless right now.
You said you started this thread to try to find a way to save your relationship. It is my belief that relationships can recover from mistakes and betrayals. They can even be better than they were before! But it takes both people to want that and make the changes that are needed to move forward. You can not make your wife be in that place. She is the only one that can make that choose.
So what do you do now? The only thing you can. Focus on yourself and the changes you can make to be the best version of who you are. Take steps to grieve for the mistakes you've made and work to forgive yourself. Recognize habits you have that are negative to your relationships and ask yourself why you do them. Then you can work toward changing those.
@Elle132
Thank i am comming to the realization that if both do not want to change her thing is she cant trust me and believes she never can. All my life yes i have lied but my lying has never been to be decitful its been that way so people do not have to worry so it comes out of false hope. Which is something i can never do again its difficult but something i have worked on and will continue working on. As far as a professional if i could i would just as a way to learn better coping skills then what i have cause there not working. I have no plans on self harm. Im just an empty hollow of a person its all thats left. My life was dreaming of a family then given that chance and cause of my own issues when things got rough my inability to stop lying so no one would worry and keep it up so going about things that wrong way i see why all this has to end the way it does.
@passionateSea6213
Do the lies have to do with job instability? Unfaithfulness?
Either way it can be overcome. Even if just for you personally. I agree that professional help is a good idea - just to figure out where you are, what you can fix, what isn't your fault and how to up your self esteem. We all need that sometimes.
@themainjane
Im trying to get back to me. Even though all this is the hardest thing i have done moving forward alone. Even though technically ive been alone for a long time. I realize that my lying about working was just a mechanism for people to not have to worry. Which was not the way todo things and as moving forward just something that i can stop. Its sad that my actions were the cause of a family to end but i think it was what she wanted all along and i just gave her an excuse. And who knows what the future will bring prolly more sorrow and sadness im sure.
@passionateSea6213
Hang in there. All you can do is what you can do now. I'm in the same boat regarding not knowing my future for sure.
@themainjane
I know the future holds just working going home repeat. As far as having a family that will just always be in my dreams. Ive lost that and the hope that will ever be is gone to. I know i am to hard on myself but in a way i feel like i need to be. Its how it has to be others i feel like i lose myself. I think its good thing i lost everything so that if there is any chance of finding love again i can be stronger then what i am now. It feels unfair that after all this time the one im with wants nothing todo with me but in the end it will be ok somehow i push thru.
@passionateSea6213
Just keep pushing through. Surely something good will come of it. As for work, you definitely won't be alone in the grind.
Well well. What can i say. Its been over 2 months since ive been told that im not loved or cared for and there has been no change from that and it was even longer then that since we have been a couple. Yes we still live in the same house but that can go away at anytime. But i guess its ok. I have fully tried everything to have her see that i am the guy she wanted and ya know what. Nothing works. No marriage counseling no anything so thru my pain grief and depression im better. After awhile no matter how hard you fight you just have to see its all pointless. I truly wish it was different but i know that when things are lost they just are. But in the time ive cleaned parts of the house that i never realized how bad things have gotten and how long i was unhappy and just let it all go. Ive done tons of reading how one person can save a marriage but there all lies. I still tell her i love her cause you can never know when there are car accidents illnesses and i mean it when i say it but i say it so if something happens at least she knows im always going to be here. So thats about it. You all are more then welcome to give advice.
So i have been dealing with all this since june. And ive come to the conclusion that all this is just annoying. I dont have the heart to say just leave. But with my go back to work comming. I figured well maybe its time we talk about where i learn she is trying for another job that wont work with my work yet doesnt want to change or compromise a thing but still has not mentioned leaving or anything and still emotionally checked out. So this is what my life has in store for me oh goody im so excited for all that. So since we dont really talk about anything and were just here. Do i continue on this path or really what do i do?
@passionateSea6213
I don't know the answer. It's a difficult one. It's good that you've been cleaning the house and reading things (even if they weren't helpful).
She definitely sounds checked out of the relationship emotionally. Will she stay that way? Don't know.
I really think it's time you seek counseling for yourself. And whatever you do, keep up the cleaning, go to the job and keep it, keep doing the things you have to do because it will pay off in the end. You're making yourself better and that will help you in the future. Whatever that may be.
I'm doing the same thing myself right now. Sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it kinda sucks. But that is life and I know in the long run I'll be happier whether we make it or not.
Well today is the day of my first training and by now i thought things would change and i guess things would just go back to the way it was as i have changed and done everything she wanted. But you know what it hasnt its all been the same sadly like now i realize that it feels its all for nothing but im doing it anyway. Its just harder with such a heavy heart that i carry with me.
@passionateSea6213
Working an honest job is never a waste.
Well things have just gotten worse as my first week of work is comming to a close. Last night was just horrible going from a somewhat nice talk turns into such emotion. It might have been my fault but its horrid. Our living situation is just not going to work anymore. I know this way i cant emotionally co parent cause i have way to many feelings for my ex wife. I try as i might but in my head i live in the past where well if you loved me once why cant you now. Its hard to fathom that to me to learn there is no spark its just not going to work our child will be devastated but i guess she is leaving in two weeks to her mothers i guess and mess up his school and everything else so thats where we are at i see it as whats the point in being civil
@passionateSea6213 well its been awhile since I've added things here. But update this have gotten better. I started working I hate the night shift but it is what is it. The wife seems to be more into me as of late but I have some issues with that like she still goes away at night to dog sit or whatever which is hanging out with friends. But ill take what I can get
@passionateSea6213
That is great to see that things are a little better. I have been reading to catch up these past couple of months of what you have been going thru. I have had a similar situation with my wife, i have been posting and researching how i can try to improve my situation.
Just a quick recap of my story. Early this summer my wife and I got into an argurment, things didnt cool down till weeks later. My wife had been acting very distant with nothing improving between us. I researched how I could change and take responsibilty for my actions that made her feel this way. My lack of communication and misunderstanding of what she needed and wanted from me on many levels made her feel that she was not meant to be happy. Per her suggestion we have been living as just close friends to work on communication and rebuilding trust.
This is a slow process. I get impatient because like you, i want to be her husband and all that comes with it. I want what we had already, but she isn't ready for that. I know it will take a lot of time. But waiting does make me feel depressed. I dont want to lose her or our kids in any kind of seperation. Family is all i ever wanted and i didnt mean to take that for granted in any way.
I am glad you had a good update for your thread and I hope it continues to get better for your situation, as well as mine. We are hear for ya, take care.
@Titus83 thank you I am glad I'm not alone lately its me that doesnt trust and me friends and family don't trust her they think there is another guy cause she doesn't tell me what she is doing and i found avreciept of something that was bought with another man's name on it but its just her friend. And I think why would she do things with me if that is the case
@passionateSea6213
I heard some advice on how to help get past the mistrust. there is a lot of pain that we are going thru and that does need to be felt so it can be processed, and i know it will take time. "Everyone wants to be trusted and all it takes is for someone to believe in us to help realize the potential in all of us. We all have the ability to be trustworthy. It is difficult but maybe we can try to look deep in to the heart of our loved ones, look for the seeds of greatness within them, and try to just give them trust. Believe in them, even if they dont deserve it, our faith in them will affirm their sense of worth and aspire them to meet our expectations. you get what you expect. Expect them to be trustworthhy, Beleive in what you see. Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat a man in how he can and should be then he will be what he can and should be"
More confused and lost things were great for awhile then it just feels like it's all fading away
@passionateSea6213
Ive been busy with my life - our life - and haven
@themainjane alot well I started working and things between us were getting better but she was always gone still unless I have to work and then my friends went by were she was suspose to be and she wasn't there she was at this guys house. When she was questioned got mad saying I sent people to spy on her and she was there getting dog food and chatted but before I saw I text her and after I saw she text me back saying she had fallen asleep but our car never moved from in front of the guys house. So now with her telling me she loves me and I have nothing to worry about. I don't know what todo I find myself with all these insecurities and everything working at night doesn't help either. I just dont know what todo I just dont understand why she wouldn't want me. That is where I'm at now if the way things were stayed that way it would easier this is just worse
@passionateSea6213
Im sorry. Cant say for 100% that she is being unfaithful but she is hiding things it seems.
I strongly, strongly urge you to seek counseling.
At the very least contact someone in charge of the relationship forum and tell them that you need help finding a verified, knowledgeable, stable and competent member of the 7 cups Listener team to have some chats with.
@passionateSea6213 I can relate to how you feel. After what happened with my wife, i struggle to keep insecure thoughts out of my head. I feel sometimes my wife doesn't tell me things or not fully tell me the truth when she does tell me things. She wants me to trust her and beleive that what she did was the only time and that it has stopped. She also doesn't trust me because I spied on her. I feel desperate and want to look for answers on how to fix my marriage and what to do and not to do. I wish i can make things better with her. I wish it was like in the movies where you can just skip to the next scene that is months later and things are better.
Spying is only going to make it hard for her to trust you. Wanting to know who she is calling/texting, what she is saying, what she is doing is just going to make us go crazy with worry. I struggle with this daily. I started thinking that maybe i am better off not knowing if there is something going on. If there is then maybe it will end on its own, maybe she will consider what is real and what isn't. I want my wife back but i can't force her. I can only be there for her when she needs me.
So the tips i am following right now are, Don't Spy, Hang in there, and Kill'em with Kindness. And i agree that you do need to find someone to talk to about what you are feeling. It does help to get it all out. The stress, the pressure of all these thoughts and feelings, just makes things worse for you.
I also try to focus on what progress I see that her and I make. I focus on what i know i need to change about myself, I focus on my kids and taking care of my home. There are positives in your life and things for you to do to help pass the time. I know it is not easy when someone you care about is mostly on your mind and all you want in life, is not feeling the same. At times it feels too much and hopeless, but this is the path I chose and the path i am working on to get the outcome i want. It may work or it may not, all i can do is work at it and wait.
I am sorry if this seems confusing or if it doesn't help, but remember, you are not alone. if just typing on this thread, or finding other related threads on this site can help let it all out and have someone to listen to you, i suggest you keep at it. I do hope the best for you. Take care.
@Titus83 thank you I appreciate it. It is what it is i guess worse case senerio ill end up in a rubber room. With my work the insurance I had doesn't cover a shrink. So I'm kinda on my own with my thoughts and how I'm feeling it makes me so sad that I think like this cause I've never had before. But there is nothing I can do. A sheep in wolf's clothing can only keep its skin for so long. I've been thru all this for this long so why not torture myself longer. I know either way it's all my fault