The thought of it all being over
So lets see where to begin ive been married almost 6 years and we have a 5 year old and for a while ill be honest i lied about working cause i didnt want her unhappy and to go away cause when things were rough she did before so i cherish her and do all i thought was right when we needed things i would work for my aunt or people i know to make sure we got what we needed. I was the only one working. Then a month ago she knew i wasnt working told me that she has no feelings for me anymore and she hates me and only thinks of me as our childs father and that just killed me cause i have always tried todo everything for so long. So refuses marriage counseling. Gone to the gym and works just about everyday while im home with child. In order todo what i need todo i need compromise otherwise time just ticks by and i feel helpless and alone i have my child who is my best friend. I just dont see how being just me can fix all this she says is my fault. How can i urn trust when she is hardly here and if its working how can i do that. So i just feel time slipping away and nothing i can do
@passionateSea6213
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;
So lets see where to begin ive been married almost 6 years and we have a 5 year old and for a while ill be honest i lied about working cause i didnt want her unhappy and to go away cause when things were rough she did before so i cherish her and do all i thought was right when we needed things i would work for my aunt or people i know to make sure we got what we needed. (The thing about lying to women is that they feel like they can't fully trust you if you lie to them, then it'll take a long time to regain that trust again. I could tell that you felt anxiety and fear of abandonment, so having that in your mind made you lie to her. Your fear of losing her is strong so more than likely it'll make you do things to prevent that, however what you fear you attract. You were trying your best to get bring money to the house, and to get what was needed.) I was the only one working. Then a month ago she knew i wasnt working told me that she has no feelings for me anymore and she hates me and only thinks of me as our childs father and that just killed me cause i have always tried todo everything for so long. (She was very rude and disrespectful here, you tried very hard to bring money and things to the house, she wasn't working, but then tells you all of this awful things. One thing I would like to point out is that she wasn't making investments in the relationship, it was all you investing, so this would cause her to take you for granted and not looking for a job to help bring things to the house. You got to always pay attention in the amount of investment and effort she is putting in the relationships because if she isn't, and you are then it causes her to fall out of love). So refuses marriage counseling. Gone to the gym and works just about everyday while im home with child. (If this is her child as well, how come she isn't taking care of the child as well?) In order todo what i need todo i need compromise otherwise time just ticks by and i feel helpless and alone i have my child who is my best frien. I just dont see how being just me can fix all this she says is my fault. (For her everything is your fault, its a lot easier for her to blame you than to accept that she screw up on this marriage or relationship, it would be the end of the world if she admits it). How can i urn trust when she is hardly here and if its working how can i do that. (She is pretty much not trying to make an effort to work on this relationship, I could tell that she has done a lot of things that you should have stand up for yourself, but your fear of losing her is very strong to the point you might be afraid to speak up) So i just feel time slipping away and nothing i can do
@freshLight64
I want to thank you for this i think in alot of ways your right my fear of abandonment is my worst fear which is why i dont say anything.in her mind she is just working while i take care of our child she is doing what she thinks is right for her and him what it is idk. Like now im afraid to say anything cause her anger toward me or just ignoring me. Its hard for me to think of moving on cause in my mind slowly its seems better idk im just confused. So i take it all one day at a time in hopes for it to get better. Thats all i can think of and blame myself for the way things are when sadly all i want is the way things were.
So when is it time to just give up on this marriage
@passionateSea6213 become MGTOW
@Honda1984
Whats that?
@passionateSea6213 Men Going Their Own Way trust me it will help you out bro there's a lot of men going through what you're going through an thier takeing a stand take the red pill check it out on YouTube check out MGTOW is freedom an grizzly MGTOW thier some of the best content producers of the MGTOW your wife has you in a cock=hold so to say to her your just a work horse nothing more I bring this to you as a chance to set free from the enslavement I was in a relationship for a year that could of sent me to prison an would of lost everything an became homeless I was crushed when she left me thin I found MGTOW an it saved my life trust me bro it save yours
I dont understand my own feelings. So i guess it helps to write it down as i sit here. After working last night into this morning she takes a nap on the couch and all i can think of is how beautiful she really is and how i just want to give the biggest hug and kiss and knowing i cant anymore just breaks my heart cause its all i want todo. I just hate this life and these feelings i dont know what i can do. I have been so truly sorry for everything i have done all the mistakes ive made to make all this to have to happen. I dont really know what todo how to just stop turn my heart off how to make all the sorrow go away. When i just want scream why cant you just hug and kiss me or say you love. But im afraid of the answer cause she doesnt have feelings for me anymore that there is nothing there and so my heart just hurts more. The rejection from the one person i love so much kills me and i know if she would just try we could make things work. Sighs even though i know she deserves better.
@passionateSea6213
Hey there, hopefully things are going better for you, there's a few things i noticed;
i dont say anything.in her mind she is just working while i take care of our child she is doing what she thinks is right for her and him what it is idk. (well she seems cold and avoidant, not exactly thinking about the relationship and other things). Like now im afraid to say anything cause her anger toward me or just ignoring me. (You seem to have anxiety, so it becomes scary and overwhelming to express your needs because it'll make you feel like she could abandon you or ignore you which then she will reduce her presence and unconditional love. I do believe this part right here might have to do with your childhood, on some families parents punish children such as "If you dont this ill be mad at you" so it makes the child feel like he could lose the unconditional love, and then go into pleasing you. I think you are going into pleasing mode, keeping things inside because of her unhealthy and toxic ways, her anger and ignoring you is pretty much to control you and make you do what she wants). Its hard for me to think of moving on cause in my mind slowly its seems better idk im just confused. (Well im starting to believe that you are wishing things will get better even though things are not improving, the thing is that a woman needs to respect you, if not she will not love you, she will be rue and disrespectful, offend you etc. It's important to stand up for yourself when she is rude, and if she keeps being rude then walk away) So i take it all one day at a time in hopes for it to get better. Thats all i can think of and blame myself for the way things are when sadly all i want is the way things were. (You got to reach a point where you are so tired of this, so then you'll take corrective actions and go through a path of self improvemnt, the defnition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results)..
I dont understand my own feelings. (I apologize of im wrong about this, but i get the feeling one of your caregivers had or has similar traits as your current partner, we are attracted to the familiar, which means that if a caregiver was rude, avoidant, then thats the kind of women you will feel attracted to because it'll feel familiar and normal) So i guess it helps to write it down as i sit here. After working last night into this morning she takes a nap on the couch and all i can think of is how beautiful she really is and how i just want to give the biggest hug and kiss and knowing i cant anymore just breaks my heart cause its all i want todo. (it's understandable you would want this, she is the woman you love. Whats going on here is that she changed the terms of this relationship so this is more like a roomate thing or staying in for the kids situation, so she sense things such as you wanting her more than she wants you which causes her to back away because she can't handle closeness and is not feeling your confidence and strength, so it makes her act unsure and distant as well). I just hate this life and these feelings i dont know what i can do. I have been so truly sorry for everything i have done all the mistakes ive made to make all this to have to happen. (If you really screw up then its good to apologize, however you don't need to apologize constantly, you got to realize that she has make more mistakes and has not owned up to them or apologize to you. You are putting all of the guilt and blame on yourself, that's not fair, you are basically tourting yourself for a women who is not treating you properly). I dont really know what todo how to just stop turn my heart off how to make all the sorrow go away. (This relationship isn't making you happy, but you continue being on it out of fear of being alone, abanoned and starting all over, not wanting to go through the hurt so it makes you put up with her rude and disrespectful ways). When i just want scream why cant you just hug and kiss me or say you love. (If you do this it is not going to come across as confidence). But im afraid of the answer cause she doesnt have feelings for me anymore that there is nothing there and so my heart just hurts more. (You cannot stay with someone who has say those things to you, she was cruel and rude. You deserve a better woman than her). The rejection from the one person i love so much kills me and i know if she would just try we could make things work. (You are right if she puts the effort, but she feels like everything is your fault when it's not). Sighs even though i know she deserves better. (She isn't a woman who is emotionally available to be on a relationship, she can't handle closeness because it'll make her feel uncomfortable, so she will do things to push you away. If you try to speak up she will ignore you, dimiss your feelings, then punish you, this communicates she is passive-agressive. She will never own up to her mistake, its too hard for her, so she distorts reality by blaming you for everything. You are the one who deserves better)
@freshLight64
You are right in someways my mother when gets mad or she cant handle something she runs away but when she comes back she is better.
It is hard for me to not blame myself when the reasons she tells me are my fault. Cause in her mind im not trustworthy or she cant relie on me. Part of me thinks she is using all this as an excuse cause she isnt happy with herself.
The roomate thing i think is exactly what its like its like she thinks that she can just be friends and civil. She already doesnt have unconditional love for me like i do her whatever she puts me thru i still love her no matter what she can turn her feelings off like there nothing so its left were there even there.
Your right about the pleasing mode ive been in that mood since the begining.
When she isnt here i feel strong but when she is here i feel weak.
But im trying to just move on but i do find it hard todo cause it just doesnt feel right. And since there isnt a label of my situation such as getting a divorce being seperated or living in a loveless marriage.
Not for nothing but I think she's tired of being the only one having a job.
@themainjane
That might be true but in 5 years she has only been working for one month. And your right she wants me to work but is unwilling to allow me to use our only car to get somewhere to get one or helping watch our child so i could
@passionateSea6213
Hey, I'm sorry and I shouldn't have said anything. I'm the last one that should be judging anyone. Don't have my own life together.
You guys have a child together. It sounds like she's trying to make some positive changes with the recent job. I hope you guys stick it out at least a little longer and find a time to talk or reconnect.
Maybe if you can - and I understand if you don't - do something special for her. Tell her your proud of her working and ask if there's anything she wants you to do that might make it easier?
I dunno it's hard to picture someone else's dilemma and situation from behind a computer screen.
Good luck. Keep talking.
@themainjane
Your fine i had hoped for the samething the last thing i want is to become a statistic but i see no other choice i love her but she doesnt it is what it is ill enjoy the time i have left with both her and my child until there gone
@passionateSea6213
Dont give up. Maybe it doesn't have to be this way?
Lets see nothing new we seem to talk less the last we talked was last night my anxiety is going through the roof wondering what to expect. But i did have a job interview just have to wait a little longer for me to be able todo that i think the best thing todo now is not mention it and if i can stay strong leave her alone and not try if it was ment to be then she would try too im to old for these stupid games. I should just go on a boat and relax lol as that could happen
@passionateSea6213
You have a job interview? Congratulations! and/or how'd it go?
So lets see to update things. I am not as sad as i once was i have come to the conclusion that things are what they are. There is no improvement or change all things are pretty much the same. She complains about working all the time yet still goes and does it anyway. She talks about her day and what she does all i listen and put input in when needed. Or we talk about our child and thats pretty much where it all stays. I have learned there isnt much of a point in trying to make things better it is just a hasle so since finding this place acceptance for things we can not control is the best anyone can do. And thats about it. There are small things that trouble me like physical contact the hear of heartbeat at night and sleep in general but those take time.
@passionateSea6213
It's good that she is going to work anyway. If you've both had chronic problems with being unemployed (like me) you've got to realize this is progress. It may seem scary but I really think it is.
You say things will never change but maybe they actually are? Give it time if you are able and try to revisit some working solutions to you getting out of the house some too. Maybe even a part-time job? Do you have family or low-cost day cares/government supervised day care that might watch your child for awhile so that you can pursue something? If you don't think you are ready to work yet even volunteering at a food bank or somewhere can be quite a confidence boost.
Let me know what you think. And hope things stay okay or even improve for the two of you. Sounds like there is some communication and that beats none!
@passionateSea6213
Okay maybe I overlooked that you are drifting emotionally. How would she feel about marriage counseling?
There are places with sliding scale or very very cheap like universities?
@themainjane
She wants no part in marriage counseling . the progress has no feelings attached to them. Its just civil cause were both stuck. She has no where else to go otherwise im sure she would be gone. For people there is no one on my side telling her to try with me. I mean like this morning i woke up said excuse me to her and went outside she got ready to leave and didnt even say bye to me or wave as she was leaving. I think her actions say the world.
@passionateSea6213
I'm sorry. At any rate, please think about low-cost or sliding scale counseling for yourself. Don't say no before you find out what it would cost.
No matter what happens you still have a child together and you deserve to be part of your child's life for both you and the child's sake.
Also, have an uncomfortable conversation with her. Ask her exactly what is up on her day off. Sometime when she is free and not about to have to be somewhere or do something.
You said you had an interview? What happened there?
@themainjane
Its starts aug 14th so its a waiting process so i have something to look forward to. I agree with therapy my insurance covers it. I just dont have a way there thats why i came here. But i agree it would be good
@passionateSea6213
Awesome - aug 14th!!
Once I took a job that I didn't have transportation to. I lived in a small town and this was in another town. I had to think outside the box. I called the local rural route transportation that was normally for giving the ill a ride to the hospital and the disabled a ride to adult day care. For a very very reasonable fee - like $5 a week back then - they gave me a ride to work. They didn't always run as late as I got off but by then my spouse could pick me up. Yes, it meant my ride to work took about an hour longer but otherwise I would have had none at all.
Just a thought. For counseling or work transportation. Or if things are close enough - a bike or walking?
Is the aug 14 job going to require you to find transportation?
@themainjane
It will but i will be ok till winter and hopefully make a friend or something its one of those things that i will have to cross that bridge when i get to it
Well today is susposed to be a happy day so why am i not happy? Ive done everything that she had an issue with. I looked into myself and saw what was ended for a better me. I found a job all on my own with luck and thinking outside the box. Its in my career field. So i know i can be there for a long time. So why am i not happy cause even after doing those things i still feel empty. Like there is no purpose. I guess all this is just things i have to live with and continue on.
@passionateSea6213
I think your marriage troubles, depression, etc. are standing in the way of you seeing that this IS an accomplishment. Even if you can't feel it now please fight to keep from sabotaging things.
I'm doing the same in my own life if it's any consolation. Recently back to part-time work at something that gave me a sense of usefulness and fulfillment but now I'm finding it's pretty hollow.
Still I know I have to hold on and push through. I hope you do too.
@passionateSea6213
Congratulations, by the way. It IS a big deal - you done good. 👍
Yup my head is a little more confused and kinda hurt. It seems like the more i try the harder it is. The fact that i still have to wait for work things idk if there getting better or not she allowed me to sleep in the same bed as her today but when i tried to put my arm on her and any kind of touch she got mad at me but let me sleep there. So idk if thats trying or she just said ok but it was the best sleep ive had in a long time. I dont see us getting very far in life though cause it does feel like on her side there is truly nothing there it still kills me but its all my doing for destroying it and it will prolly take many years if at all for anything. And i ask myself is this worth it the answer to me is yes but to her prolly not my eyes are open more and see the anger pain and hurt that my things have caused and maybe i am just to hard on myself or maybe i should really learn to let go. Sighs
@passionateSea6213
I'm sorry connection is so difficult for you two. Have you asked her what's wrong?
I think it's a good sign that you were able to rest in the same space. She may not be ready for cuddles yet. Ask her what's going on if you can.
Also, and this is just me, I wouldn't give up before the job starts. And during the next two weeks show yourself and show her that you are making progress. Do extra stuff around the house, etc. You will feel better and she will see the effort. Everyone benefits.
Hang in there.
It sucks that anyone should have to go through this. It's just my observation but it seems clear she's checked out of the relationship a long time ago. Once a person reaches that point you really can't hope for anything better. Seems like she became complacent in her life as a stay at home mom even though she didn't seem to find much joy out of it (which can be understandable during the first years as all your time goes into the family and not yourself). Now that she had to devote more of her time to work, she's upset. She should be a bit more understanding that things happen and life isn't all smooth sailing. Bad moments are just moments. Anyway, it appears she has a bit more of a selfish personality (and that's fine, we're all different) and it deserves special attention. Though this far in the game it really doesn't seem like anything you do will fix what you had. It's gonna hurt for a long while but try to move on. You have a lot of support here. You have a lot of love to give, give it to your child and someone that recognizes your hard work.
She just means the most to me and like i let out all my feelings and your right she has checked out a long time ago i just have so much love for her and it is all my fault for destroying this marriage and maybe she is just better off without me i just feel like even though i got so far im not worth anything to anyone
@passionateSea6213 No, no, no. I know it's not something you can do at the moment, but strive to not to think of it that way. You didn't destroy anything. Neither one of you did. You both tried something you thought would work and at the moment, felt right. It's unfortunate it didn't but you tried your best. It takes two people to make it happen and although you didn't know it at the time, you two were on different levels. It happens. You know the saying of two people growing together? Well it doesn't always mean they stay together. They learn what suits them. You were optimistic about the future even though the times were tough. I know people don't like being lied to but you were doing what you thought was right, to not let her worry about finances. My husband does the same. You took the burden of that knowledge and had the drive to still make it work.
And yes, she may be better off without you just as you would be better off without her. Certain personalities don't always jive. I was with my ex boyfriend for 7 years. I thought he would have been the one and our relationship really did seem perfect but it still didn't feel quite right. I ended it and he's so much happier now even though he wasn't miserable in our relationship. At times I feel worthless because I couldn't make him that much happier, yet when I think about it, I clearly wasn't the one for him and that means he wasn't the one for me. You wont ever stop loving her and you shouldn't stop loving her. Just try not to let it stop you from getting what every person derserves, a happy, harmonious life.
Feel the sorrow but don't make yourself believe you are worthless.
@BreeKasi
I do try but she makes me feel worthless im the one that betrayed her im the one that destroyed everything. And when i realized my wrongs and things that i shouldnt have done that would make our bond stronger she said that everything is to late that i should have thought about this way before. Sighs i sound like a broken record. Its just since the first day i started talking to her i knew she was my soulmate and now knowing that im the who destroyed without any chance of giving it back is killing me. And i just feel that no one deserves me that no one would miss me but my child but with my child is my family and i feel like i cant live without the both of them as much as i cant see life without my family that i love so deeply
@passionateSea6213
It's easy for a person to point the finger at another when they don't want to take responsibility for their end, and I'm talking about her. She failed you by creating a relationship in which you felt you couldn't communicate with her. She failed you by putting you down and not uplifting you during the setbacks. What she fails to see is you still kept moving forward. You still tried to make things right and provide for your family. You're giving your all so she wouldn't go without. That makes you an awesome person and a good example for others.
@passionateSea6213
