The thought of it all being over

Well things are what they are i guess. I find myself doubting myself and asking her a bunch of questions like a broken record hell i find myself annoying. So i stopped from using the car for overnights and for me i feel like a fool. Last night i wanted to see if maybe i was wrong but it still ends up with the same thing. She had to go to storage and post things for her boss and then dog sit. I let her take the car she was suspose to come back at a certain time so our child could go on a haunted hayride. And as the time grew near i heard nothing so i text her and nothing then a text that she lost track of time when it was to late for him to go. Then i text her asking her to call cause she said she would keep in touch then nothing i called went to voicemail then in the morning i text her and asked her if she was still alive an hour later she replied. And then when she got home we went out and walked around a flea market then she slept for the rest of the afternoon. Then we had dinner and said she needed todo postings again. And i said you promised no more after last night and she got upset but agreed. And since then has acted all upset but says she is fine she doesnt let things upset her anymore. So yeah she says she loves me and only me and as much as i want to believe that more then anything i really dont know nor what todo anymore. How can i fix something she doesnt think is broken or how to trust when in my mind it all feels funny. I honestly dont know what todo anymore. Thoughts are welcome.......

So lets see. In this relationship i get told things are unhappy and that things need to get better. But for once its not on me i try my hardest im a nag cause i want to spend more time with my own wife and that i just want to be with her forever i get told well things have to get better well damit how. I ask you to stay away from this guy she has gotten close to and the reason we have drifted apart. Yet she still talks to him. Lets see to unblock me from her fb again she tells me she doesnt know how. Yet im a nag great so i guess if i dont ask for attention which i shouldnt have todo in the first place then things would be fine. Or just let her get further away yup things are rocky why i really have not a clue. All i can do is just me and wait.

You know what they say that girls are not complicated creatures when in fact they are. They make no sense do some of the most foolish things then think they do nothing wrong. Like either they dont see the pain that they cause or dont care. In my case its that she doesnt care we had an agreement that she was to stop comminication with a guy but continues to talk to him to him and has my love next to his name. So since it continues i have learned that our relationship really feels its going nowhere so i give up and let things fall where they will

Ive spent so much time writing in this and being so fearful of things. And its true all this babble that i have written as been of fear of anger of loss of just everything. Its good to write everything down and for all people that read this like me im sure im not the only one who has gone thru this or is going thru this i hope it helps. There are no miracles no fixes when it comes to people. One can always have hope that miracles are there but in my case they dont exsist all that ends up is a bandaide on top of another one. My biggest problem was that so much had changed so quickly i just wanted to slow everything down and bring things back that were so long gone and in those gone times i held on so tight i never allowed myself to see that big picture that the past is just that the pass. I was always scared of losing my family that i didnt fully get that it was already gone i still have a hard time with that but like now im less afraid i guess and more like the future will be what it will. You cant force someone to be happy or make them stay when there not cause all it does is make you unhappy on the inside. I guess with everything ive just given up and think its just for the best. In time maybe i will thank myself for it who knows.

You know i try and i try to just be ok with everything and just let everything stay bottled in not to worry that my wife has some guy on her messenger that says my love yet doesnt know why it says that and just be ok with it all. That all that guy has done supposedly and her still being friends with him really blows my mind if i had nothing to worry about then why would it not matter if she just didnt talk to him. And then i always get to have to worry so much. But according to her i shouldnt be but if the shoe was on the other foot at this point she prolly would not even care yet this is what my life is like now but i guess it will just all be ok. I will make it thru this like everything else in time i just think im to old for it

So here we go again. Just like other times lets find new ways to get out of the house at night lets see it started with dog sitting unless its a puppy do you really need to dog sit but the dogs have anxiety ok maybe. Then that got old and its my boss needs me overnights todo merchandise posting on ebay. Like thats really something you need to sleep over. Now it my friend needs me to babysit her kids cause she took an overnight job and her bf works at night and there is no one else. Yet im a useless person who tried to get our marriage to be broken yet thats my bestie. Again i call bs but what do i know am i wrong in feeling this anger and fustration and yet get told that im stupid for having these feelings. But like today she is gone from morning until late afternoon. And our child was at my mothers for a sleep over so i am just blown away to oh i will pick him up stay with him for a few hours then gone for the night idk what kind of mother would want todo that but again what do i know.

Well another holiday nears and yet again the turmoil in my heart and head grows. Whats new oh she has decided that she has no feelings to being intimate that its not me of course it just with everything. Yup thats fine i can somewhat tolerate that. But then looking at her phone yet again on her messenger this guy pops up with my love yet she doesnt know why it says that why would i think a holiday would be any different and hell she even tells me that she might have to babysit tonight im like really. I guess if nothing really matters why would that. Being apart might be a great idea. So she can be with her love which you know is susposed to be me but obviously its really not.

Thank you to all that have commented as of late i appreicate you all and i have been thinking. At the moment i live in a world of depression anger and exetreme sadnes. All of those things that doesnt seem to go away. I have been left with tons of questions that i fully cant understand. Like one when all these people have seen things and its like she has been caught why live in a delusion still and not just say it i mean all these people cant make all this up in such detail. If something wasnt going on then why is it every holiday why at night do you have to leave unless it is to spent time with that speacil person. Does she really think we are all that dumb. Wouldnt it just be easier to say yes this has been going on so at least one can heal. Shrugs but it isnt the way it is.

So now i am left with choices like not allow my emotions to get in the way of what needs to be. Which is so much harder then anything im not a good pretender.

So what do i do in order to save a marriage that only in my eyes is broken.

1. I can just try to live in a dumb state and fully believe everything she tells me. And let her do anything she wants so she can be happy like i have been doing. Except now we are at each others throats. I know what her angle is now before it was saying im controling now its to get me on my nerves so she is the poor abused wife cause the other way didnt work. She doesnt want to be the bad guy even though in everyway she is.

Like now she says she is somewhere where she is not and it just bothers me. I am still having a hard time trying to peice together what is real and what is not. I say sorry all the time cause i feel like i am in the wrong. Which i am learning im not.

So the only way to keep this marriage is to show no emotion and let her do as she wishes and sit back and take it. Sighs. My morals and everything always says to matter how bad things get you always stick it out cause there is light on the other side.

But i am slowly not believeing all that i can say i have tried everything and now i just have nothing left. I have no more fix its no more strength. Im at the end of my rope and falling losing myself more and more in the process.

So lets see what has changed nothing really. I see myself getting more clingy as things come to light. And its not me at all. I think to myself in the begining of this relationship that it was going to be like rocky and adrain from the rocky movies. She is going down this horrible path from having another guy that just isnt a fling that it had blossomed into a relationship and her family and friends all know but to them i dont exist meaning she must have lied to them. She still hasnt told me the truth about anything. But tells me that she wants to stay with me that she loves me and is in love with me but is not happy and thinks there is something missing. But doesnt know what it is. She thinks i need to be less clingy and less wanting her. Which i dont know that i have been. I feel like trust is hard but she wants me to do it more. Part of me just wants to shut down and not show emotion and the other part just wants to push till it all comes out. I sometimes ask myself can this ever be put back together and i can once again be happy. I dont have an answer but prolly not with the way things are and with that being said my options are limited as to what todo you can only pray so long before you lose your mind and go nuts.

Sighs my pain and broken heart just wont go away. I have horrible nightmares that dont go away. Seeing that im just living in a lie made up by the one person who i thought wouldnt do it to me. I know for the longest time ive been in denial wanting so much to believe that i was really loved and wanted but i guess the wife never did. Otherwise why lie about being with another man for so long and yet even now deny it. My theories now are just thoughts she was caught in her lies with her friends and guy that he prolly had the idea that we were seperated or going for divorce or said just how abusive i was and then it blew up in her face and he was tired of sneaking around and that was that and so she has been moping around here but uses the excuse of her crying cause of her best friend. But who knows it could be just a ploy to get me not to think its true. But now one of her friends that got rid of her became her friend again. So it will prolly be a matter of time before all is right and im just the moron wearing a helmet drooling. Hoping for the best get blind sided with an end. I dont know why life is so bad with me for all this behavior. I mean i do alot i take care of our son i cook i clean so basically she doesnt have to lift a finger i thought it was a good life. Anyway i guess time can tell