The thought of it all being over

Well lets see the holidays have come and gone and things were better until the last couple days she is back talking with that guy i should have known things wouldnt last but it is what it is right now with the new year the drama starts over oh well at least i got a couple good weeks.

Well lets see things have been stable ill call it. I guess with all the things that bother me still doesnt matter. I am feeling like i dont exist anywhere but in the home. Out of the home im not even thought about. Like today had a doctors appointment and the wife says ill be back so i waited and she was like i got caught up with work things and forgot. Not a big surprise im still used to it. Then at least she said sorry. We still fight over the fact of me not being on her friends list and being blocked of which its the same excuse that she has tried everything and it doesnt work. And yet im susposed to trust that fact even though i know better. And like wanting to be more psycial with her and she says she is always not feeling well. Then she says my worries and things are on me and something she isnt going to stress over. Which i dont understand if this is suspose to be a marriage and one filled with love one would think the other would do all they can to make sure the issues were fixed or compromised. But i guess i cant complain to much she hasnt gone out on an overnight in awhile even though she tried the other weekend. But she says i just seem miserable maybe i am and dont notice anymore cause its something im used to being. But as always this is the life im stuck in. I feel powerless on how to make anything better. She says she sees nothing wrong but then why do i feel the way i do or what can i do to stop. Time will tell i guess

Learning deep breaths lately. The last few days we fight and argue cause the people she chooses to be around really bother me and like she said she is begining to not care what i have to say and basically the same for me i dont believe a word what she says she is doing cause i dont believe it or think its right. And it brings anger and alot of hatred deep inside me and i lash out not with violence but with words. All these people she still thinks of as friends have used her and tried to destroy this marriage and yet they apologize to her so it makes it ok. And just like before she is going to babysit her friends kids like the other time when she got a drink and ended with marks on her neck that she said was me and i know that it wasnt. And so the cycle goes around im just to fed up for words.

So another day i wake up in a grumpy mood cause i allow my emotions to take over my feelings of neglect of caring and love pretty much. I get told im just needy but i know its cause i just want attention like its really that bad. Im just so sick of everything and then some past things came up that make it worse. Like the snow is comming so she wants her friend that helped her get rid of the car that was my grandmothers and didnt let me say goodbye to the car plow our driveway and it just brought up the anger that i felt about all that come back and how i didnt want her anywhere near this house and ill just take care of all the snow myself which is fine by me i do it all the time for years. But then just tells me im a baby for it blah blah with no care of these feelings. And yet this is susposed to be my life partner oh goody prolly when im old and dieing she will be like its about time you died so i dont have to listen to you anymore. And now i just hear the thoughts its a wonderful life. Sighs ok im done venting. Do i feel better a little i guess.

Well lets see the truth finally came out sort of the other night i looked at her phone and i saw a whole bunch of things that i wished i didnt. A valentines note to the day she said she was seeing for a week and all they did was kiss like really . But it talked about her wanting to be a family with him when our son asks about him it makes her sad and she cant listen to songs that they did. Sighs that stuff hurt but then her talking to another friend calling me the ex and that she bought him an xbox game and him saying that he feels she is taking him for granted and then asked him if he thought she was attractive. And then another person who just stated that he wouldnt date her and another guy asking if he would of dated her back in school. Im like really wtf. He reasoning was idk that she made a mistake. So now i ask myself what todo its hard for me to just get those images away from me. So who knows things are just up in the air. Like now when i ask her things she tells me she is trying to move on from her mistakes. Shrugs i guess thats it.

I guess i think to much like i think maybe you would have a better life without me. Maybe im just to useless. Maybe you deserve better. I have so much on my mind between all that i have learned how can you just let go and call it in the past when its all so very there. My aunt got rushed to the hospital last night and then this morning your off doing whatever even though you tell me where you are is it right that your even there or off with your multiple friends who you do everything for. I dont see how easy it is for you to just be like it was a mistake shit happens. Maybe im just to sentimental or of course there is always more then meets the eye.

So here I am in a relationship that has been more on than off for 8 years now. About to go to 9. I have a ring. She is amazing cooks for me we have the same sense of humor we both are smart we love to cuddle and watch the same shows. She supports me in the best ways that she can. She has been going though a hard time. And over the years I have found myself struggling with our relationship. Not that enaything is to terrible but the one big thing. The sex. We dont have it and it is not by her choice it is mine. I find myself not sexually aroused by her any more. She is beautiful sweet. She wants sex all the time to the point where I lie and say my dick just dont work. She wants to marry me she tells me every day she just wants me to ask. But I just I cant not while I dont want to have sex with her. So some back story when we first met she was about 80-90 pounds lighter. I was out of shape I drank I smoked. Then over time she was with me when my dad died I turned my lift around now I am a heroic fitness instructor as well as a spin instructor. She has gotten bigger and dose less I am in the best shape of my life. I wish I could still find her sexual. But I am around fitness I love it. It has become a passion for me. I dont know if it is the lack of fitness or the lack of just hey we are not the same any more. I love her and want to be with her but to tell the truth I would rather spend me time at the gym or to be with some of the cute sexy girls I work and train with. I am lost I need help

My man,

After reading the first paragraph of your first post I knew that she was cheating on you.

My honest appraisal : she doesn't respect you Because you don't respect yourself. You sound far too down on yourself. You constantly talk yourself down.

My advice, for what it's worth, get rid of her ASAP. She's bad for your health. You can live with pain for such a long time you simply put up with it. Unburden yourself, cast her off. Get out of the house and if you feel down, try getting into fitness/swimming / a martial art /long walks with a dog ... You, like us all, will soon be dead, and for a long time... Don't waste another off your precious seconds wallowing in self pity and despair.

Good luck my man, I know you have the strength to make that change

I know thru all this i put myself down and i blame myself for alot of things which i really shouldnt. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to be understanding compassionate. Even with not knowing and or now somewhat knowing. Do i think its all the truth no i really dont. May it be part of the truth sure. For her to say she is working on us and then say she was in a relationship calling someone else her boyfriend and calling me an ex and even after everything how do i truly know whats real. I mean is she still here cause it didnt work with that guy so im just second place. I know i shouldnt feel like that. Just like i know most people would just walk away. Its hard to make that decision when she is still here. Or is it she just needs more time before it just happens again. I truly do not know. Just like i know its only me that can truly know what i can tolerate. I know if i put my whole heart in that it will become bad. But if i dont things may never work. So is it better to cut my loses and go on. Or do i do the same as she did. Which i know morally i can never do. That and 2 wrongs dont make a right. The only thing i can think of is to move away from here. But that is hard cause of our 6 year old. Making him go away from his friends. Who knows ive waited this long why not wait more even if pointless it gives me more time with my son before that get all complicated.

I've read almost every reply and I read what you have been saying working for your family is still work its still a form of work , work doesn't have to be in a small little office doing paper work or driving a bud for hours you can also work with family where they pay you money or other things to help out like pay your bills or buy you food or that pair of pants you needed in a long time just because you weren't working in a office with a suit or tie on doesn't mean you weren't working to help her and your child what she did went over board yes you lied but you learnt from that it wasn't like you cheated on her you was just worried what she would think by you working with family you done a lot to help her where was she when you needed help to pay for things she know you lied but by her taking it beyond over board that's her problem not yours and your trying your best to make it up to her but she isn't having it isn't giving you that chance she needs to understand that you done what you did and time to learn from it and move on you did what you had to do she needs to also understand that yes you didn't tell her the truth but you did the right thing anyway by working for your family its something to get yous by she could have helped out and could have appreciated what you did for your family now she's shutting you out that's a sign that she doesn't want to fix things doesn't want to give you a chance I'm a women and if a guy did the same thing working but didn't tell I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't take it way to far over board you know what you did was wrong but you only done what you had to do cause you was worried about a lot of things loosing her your child and by the sounds of it weather she would accept you working with family or an office job, if she really loves you and wants you to gain her trust back she would make the time for you she would talk to you and give you a chance and she would also think about your wellbeing as well as her child's shes missing out on a lovely marriage with a great guy who just wants to make things right how they use to be Hope you'll be okay and never think about harming yourself you have a child to think of they need you cause your always there for them :)