Thinking about leaving a 5year love
Hello! I’m feeling lost and would love to hear the thoughts of other minds. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. I know he adores me and he would never hurt me. If I were to stay with him for the rest of my life I am confident that I would be safe, loved, and have a comfortable life. But...I have a nagging feeling that I want something else. I feel bored in my relationship and I feel like we don’t have fun together, even when we are doing outings or activities that are supposed to be enjoyable. It feels like we are just going through the motions. I’ve told him how I feel and he keeps saying that we will work on things and that he doesn’t want it to end. He can’t argue with me. I need someone who will push back and not be passive with me. In March I actually left him. It was the first and only time that happened in 5 years. We decided to make it work. But...it bothers me that he didn’t fight for me or even ask me to stay. I know if I end this I will never hear from him again. He has made it clear that he can’t have exes as friends. I don’t think I can live the next 60+ years of my life with him, but it breaks my heart that I may never hear from him again. Words of wisdom please! 💜
@sympatheticStrawberries3863 I've been in the position that your fiance is in. I was with my ex girlfriend for 7 years. We were comfortable and she felt safe and loved. I didn't want to believe that she was dissatisfied with our relationship because I worked so hard to make her happy. Even at the very end, she said I was the best she ever had and the love of her life. But she wanted something else. She ended up cheating on me. Looking back, I would have preferred if she just left me when she got bored with me instead of hurting me the way she did. The way things ended hurt both of us deeply. I believe that before you commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life, you need to know exactly what you want by taking time to find out who you are. I understand how hard it is to give up someone you love, to be afraid you'll never see them again, to wonder if you're making a mistake in leaving. But there are worse things you could do to him that you would never be able to take back. My ex said she could never bring herself to cheat on me and for 7 years she was faithful. It would have been so much harder if we had been married to go through a divorce. I guess the real question is are you willing to sacrifice your own happiness for his?
This is actually quite helpful. I felt like I did take time to find out who I was before entering into this relationship, but I’m thinking I still have to figure out what I want. I’m 29yo now. I’m terrified that I will end up leaving something that I will wish I still had one day. Honestly, how the heck do I figure out what to do? I feel like I’m losing my mind going back and forth with this.
@sympatheticStrawberries3863 It's not fair to your fiance or you to have these doubts about what you want while holding onto the relationship. Marriage is choosing to sacrifice all other options and all other choices for one person. If he's the one, then he's the one and there are no other options for you. But if he's not, then cut him loose. It's ok to be afraid of being single. What happened between me and my ex was so much worse. After she cheated on me, I still loved her and didn't want to let her go. And she was afraid of losing me too. But she wasn't willing to stop cheating on me. For months, she remained undecided about who she wanted to be with. I would try to leave, to get away from her but she would beg me to stay. It shouldn't feel like a sacrifice to be with the one you truly love. It shouldn't feel like settling. And if it does, that feeling isn't going to magically disappear by itself. It takes change.
@sympatheticStrawberries3863 these kinds of decisions are never easy. if you know in your heart that you don’t think you can live the next 60+ years of your life with him, but it breaks your heart that you may never hear from him again, then it's better to sit back,calm yourself and do some soul searching. it takes two to make a relationship work and if you have expressed yourself and all you get is ya ya i will work on it later and later never comes then it may never come. Maybe instead of breaking up you both take some time apart to work on yourselves and find out what you both want but still be in a relationship then weight out the pros and cons of how you feel during that time period. The longer you wait the harder it will be to decide.
I’m going through a similar situation now. I think what you’re going through is never going to go away. I know you love him but this feeling will keep nagging you and do you want to live life with regrets of what could’ve been?
