This relationship feels like a lie
I feel like I am lying to myself and my partner the longer I wait. We have been together 5 years LDR. He's really great and accepting of me being trans and I try my best to support him when his anxiety is bad. He says he still loves me and wants to move in together someday. I want that too...but his actions to me say otherwise. We are in a constant cycle where he won't respond to me for days, so I get upset and won't initiate conversation. This will usually last a week before I feel guilty (what if he got hurt and I was just being petty?). He will respond saying he was busy or that he just forgot. We will have a brief conversation (he mostly just talks about his college classes) and he will say that he loves me and goes to bed, and then I dont hear from him for days after. I talked to him about this and to resolve this we agreed to do a weekly date. It went pretty good for a month. Then he cancled one day. This was almost 2 months ago and we haven't hung out since. I feel like I'm lying to myself by saying that I'm still in a relationship when he isn't there. It feels just like a title now and nothing more. The relationship is one sided and I carry it alone. I should probably leave, part of me wants to and part of me is heartbroken. I'm so scared that when I leave him that I will lose my last chance for love. I'm not attractive or charismatic. I don't have friends available to support me through a breakup. I have to deal with this all alone. I don't want to leave him.
@lemongreen1130
Thank you for sharing your story and being open to discuss your relationship issue on this forum. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and that you feel that you are carrying a heavy burden in this relationship. One thing that I noticed is that you are in a LDR relationship with this guy. LDR is a lot to deal with because you will never know when you will hear or see this person again. And since that he is not returning your phone calls, I think that he may be burned out from the things that are happening with the pandemic. He may have a hard time with finding a job and adjusting to the circumstance that is at hand. That may sound like an excuse, but that is my opinion. I know that college students, like myself, are struggling to make ends meet with financial support and with classes juggling at the same time.
You feel that your relationship is a lie...ask yourself this question...is it a lie because you are not sure that you want to be with him a 100% or is it dealing with if he accepts you for you? Because if you are not sure that you do not want to believe that he loves you the way that you love him, why continue holding to someone who does not want to be loved and not be there for you? You deserve the most affection, care, and compassion near and dear! But, you have to believe that for yourself though. You do not love yourself and you are giving your 100% to this guy, you are wasting your time and energy on something that is not worth or deserve you...period.
And a relationship is two-sided...communication is key! I cannot stress myself enough to let you know that is the key to hold a relationship together. I will say hold off on the text messages and the phone calling to him because if you continue to do that, you are putting the pressure on yourself to expect an answer that you may or may not end up getting. I feel that you should spend this time focus on you. I understand you love him so much and that you want answers if he loves or not but if you look at this way, what have you done for you during this time that made you happy?
I say that you deserve the world and if he is not giving that to you for the queen that you are, then move on. And let him come to you. You did your part and he should be able to put in the same amount of effort and meet you halfway. Now it is best to let time decide if it is meant for you two to be together. Do not stress yourself out down the road. Life is too precious...live it for you!
@OriginalBeauty