Toxic Relationship ?
I've been stalking this community for a while, and finally decided to join !
My boyfriend and I are both freshman in college, been dating since late October, and things are not working, never has.
He rarely contacts me (I have to initiate contact constantly), whenever I bring up issues like my anxiety disorder, terrible work circumstances, or my insecurities regarding my weight, he always critizise me for "being so depressing".He is good friends with my roomate/BFF of four years and they are always talking, he will blow off my messages to talk to her or play video games online together. They reassure me they're just good friends, but I don't like it. Am I just overreacting ? He doesn't allow me to hang out with guys myself, not even my closest guy friends and gets jealous of my extrovertedness at parties. Whenever we fight, it's always because of these issues and that I "dont understand a guy's feelings". He wants me to change my personality so that "people will actually like me". He calls me "stranger" and "idiot" when we are fighting, refusing my invitations for dates, as well as ignores me when we hang with friends.
I don't know what to do anymore. I really do love him, and want this to work out. But I can't even go three days without having panic attacks over "things I've done" (in his words) to start our fights. At this point I've just aknowledged that I should behave like he wants me to, since I know he has my best intention in mind. Maybe he is right ?
Any help or insight would be extremely appreciated, I am so lost.
@PInEApplE999
Well done to you for taking the time to patiently analyze so many aspects of your relationship.
The situation as described is -
1. He is not supportive or respectful of your needs within the relationship.
2. He expects a different set of rules and expectations for you both.
3. He believes people can't like you for who you are unless you change your personality.
4. He punishes you by withdrawing attention and time when you disagree on matters.
5. He blames you for fights to the point where you have begun to believe he knows your life better than you.
6. You love him but the relationship is not working.
My insight on the matter -
Relationships by and large follow 3 stages.
Stage 1 - infatuation - it's where hormones carry you both to cloud nine and you don't see anything negative about your partner or the relationship.
Stage 2 - reality - it's where the rose coloured glasses are off and you can now objectively see positives as well as negatives. No two people are exactly the same, so inevitable there will be disagreements, differences of opinion, disillusionment and even arguments. Most relationships break down in stage 2 because the bonds formed in stage 1 were simply not real or strong enough to withstand the storms of stage 1. Some people cope with stage 2 by cheating (physical or emotional) whereby they seek the highs of stage 1 again with new partners.
Stage 3 - mature love - if both partners and the relationship have survived the strife of stage 2, you reach stage 3 where you both now know all strengths and weaknesses of each other as well as the relationship, but still love each other to bits. It's where you both learn to be a team using both sets of strengths to tackle both sets of weaknesses in order to build a future together that will focus on a combined set of goals and happiness.
People have asymmetrical needs and that reflects in the kind of relationships they have, as well as in the way they conduct their relationships. Some choose to jump from one stage 1 to the other in a constant process seeking those highs because they prefer not to deal with stage 2. Others determinedly process stage 2 because both partners believe that stage 3 is worth it. There is no right or wrong path, the insight was shared just so that you might gain a better understanding of what's going on. Whatever path you choose ahead will be right for you.
I wish you luck, take care :)