Toxicity
Fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting. It never seems to end. How much therapy, self-help, meditation, sharing, communication exercises can you do and for how long, before you throw in the towel? My spouse and I have not been compatible for years now and I can hardly wait until the toxicity of this relationship is behind us both. But until we are able to finalize that I really don't want to be an ugly, unkind version of myself. Even if we're down to our last days together it's still a struggle to be civil, let alone genuinely kind and caring.
My spouse and I struggle too. It has gone through various phases, from peaceful to so bad that I thought we were definitely calling it quits. Fighting can be a tough cycle to break. I do think you are doing well to think of civility and kindness. If at all possible, it's better to step away when things reach that boiling point. Easier said than done, I know. But getting feelings out in other ways (exercise, journaling, trusted friends) can help so that communication can be calm when the time comes for it.
@italmimi
Thank you for sharing a bit from your own experiences. It always helps to know we are not alone and to encourage one another when we can. I am very grateful to you. It sounds like you and your partner have a good resolve and can work through things. That is good to hear now, to be reminded that there are people out there, making things work. Sadly, every tool in the toolbox has left my husband and I essentially where we started. I think we could be a poster couple for incompatibility and marrying someone you don't know well enough. I will say that the fault is mutual, though. Many warm thoughts to you and yours.
@gentleEast8898
After seven years, all my wife and I do anymore is fight. It's like living in a constant war zone so trust me I understand. It got so out of control a few weeks ago that we both mutually agreed it was time to fall back on both ends for a while. It's weird being separated and just pulling away is definitely easier said than done, but if you ever cared about your partner at all and most importantly yourself, it's something to consider. We're still living under the same roof, and sometimes it gets hard to maintain civility, but it can be done. You yourself just have to continue to be the bigger, more mature person, and just stay sane. Hopefully and eventually, you two can get to a point where you can start over gradually and can put this all behind you, and if not you just have to try and move on knowing you fought as hard as you could. That's what I keep telling myself as the days past. It hurts, trust me, but you just gotta suck it up and tough it out. If it's meant to be, it will work itself out in the end
@ListenWell925
I appreciate that you're a straight shooter; I've always responded well to tough love. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. One thing I don't want is to wallow or practice self-pity. And your advice reminds me of just that. Also, you remind me that there are multiple ways forward. In your situation, I hope that it can come to a peaceable (that is the key here for both of us, I think) resolution one way or another. Nobody ever wants someone they love(d) to become an enemy. There is a way forward in friendship, I believe. Many thanks to you and best wishes as you face this challenge.
I am going through the same thing right now with my ex! We live under the same roof but she ended it with me and when I wanna talk to her she says we have nothing to talk. About and if it doesn’t involve the house or the kids then don’t say a word to her. I feel so sick inside to keep saying sorry and try to just talk and see what is left to do. She says she hates me and just won’t talk to me for a minute.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Before my wife and I became civil again, it was pretty much the same. Now, if you know you didn't do anything to deserve that based on your situation, my advice to you is to toughen up and give her exactly what she wants. Regardless of what she's upset about her behavior is childish at best, and it's not fair to you because you have your own feelings to deal with about what's going on. Whatever you did, she's an adult who is allowed to be angry, but not make you suffer because she's angry. That's not right and it's only going to continue to push you guys apart. Again, I'm sorry that you're going through that. Just try to be strong, and take care of yourself. The best thing you can do is continue life as planned as best you can, and hope she'll come around. If she doesn't, you'll have some tough decisions to make for yourself but life isn't easy and neither is making decisions that suck.
@redsapple2425 I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to go through this, and even more so with kids. Nobody wants to reach that point with a spouse. My heart goes out to you and I just hope it will be possible for you and her to move into a place where you can talk with respect and not have to feel that pain.
Well being that we're on better terms, I can honestly tell you that things do get better, my friend. No, we're no where near right and probably won't be still for quite some time, but what we are doing is rebuilding the friendship we obviously lost somewhere along the wayside. Sounds like you and I share a similar situation which is why I commented on your post in the first place. I too was wallowing in self pity, and it just was not the way to go. Still have to take care of the kids. Still have to take care of the home. Still have to take of SELF. Life still goes on no matter what we're going through personally, so no sitting around beating yourself up is not the answer. You just have to move forward, pray about it, and have faith that things will work out, and if not for the better, for your own personal future. I know it's probably hard to envision a future without your significant other depending on how long you guys have been together-trust me I'm having issues with that myself-but you have to realize if it's over, then it's over and if not forever, you guys will find your way back. The same advice I'm giving to myself is all I can offer to you, and I hope that it all works out and you guys can find happiness again either together or apart
@ListenWell925 I read this three times so I will remember it. You're a very gifted listener.