Trans, Queer, Poly, Ace, and on my own.

It's been 5 weeks and two days since my former girlfriend had to let go of me to start taking care of herself.

I never hurt her, mind. Not intentionally . No, what I did was more subtle, more insidious. I was handling my anxiety poorly, that is to say not at all. I was engaging in subtle manipulators so that I could feel assured she was there.

Through my self abuse and self deprecation, I started to put her in a situation where she prioritized me over herself, which was unfair. Worse, I started to undo her path to healing that she worked so hard on, by exposing her to negative behaviors. She loved me the day we broke up, but she had to take care of herself.

Honestly, I'm proud of her.

Last we spoke, she said she wants to get over me. She resents me. She doesn't want to hear from me. All very understandable. She's dating somebody. She's engaging herself in positive things. I'm earnestly happy for her.

Me? For the last 5 weeks and two days, I've been a wreck and getting worse. I can't exist anywhere without thinking of her. At home, outside home, I still feel her with all 5 senses. I can't sleep because my mind races back and forth between the beautiful moments we shared, and the hideous ways I disrespected our relationship. When I do sleep, she's in all my dreams and I cannot rest.

Currently, I'm seeing a therapist, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. And it's not enough.

She wants to get over me.

I can't get over her, even if I wanted to.