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Unable to deal with the grief

User Profile: sociableChestnut7762
sociableChestnut7762 September 18th, 2023
Long story short, I have been assaulted pretty much as a child and then in the relationships that I’ve been so like sexual verbal everything.
So I have a lot of anger issues and a lot of impatience


Now the guy that I was dating has also been through two relationships

In which in one of them he’s been cheated on.


So he’s not the best at communicating and today I got to know that it’s because he feels others will use his insecurities
Now the things is we used to have our fair share of fights almost everyday but we always made up and we believed they made us stronger


But I always had issues with him being away because in the beginning it was like he was working from home so all gala and then he had to attend a house wedding so damn busy and *** and it took a bad toll

Now what happened is that he goes on a trip to Bangkok with his sis and her husband. And he’s just lost, idk how but he is

I tell him I went down to get my injections and he’s asking me babe did you go?



Now one thing about me is that I stick on to people tight okay
I love too much I care too much I become a parent and people have left me saying I’m being too much and just ditched me like crazy


Now he tells me 1.5 hours ago that he’s booking a cab and I havent heard from him since
God knows where he is if he’s fine or not so I text and call and no answer

He comes back in 1.5 hours and tells me to chill and stop being a parent all the time and is severely frustrated

Now I was a little frustrated okay because in between there was an emergency and I really needed him but he wasn’t there

So he tells me there was rain and he had to carry groceries and all so he didn’t text but before telling me all this he just got super frustrated and called me a mom
So I obviously went back to being compared to what my exes told me all the time and I wasn’t able to sleep all night
Next day he goes out
I send him a breakup message which is another problem of mine since I have such deep fear of abandonment
But then he comes back at night and says you don’t want to talk?

I’m like dude you’re the one who made me cry, you didn’t even care and you left and now you’re asking me?

Fast forward to some time later again I’m very anxious unable to sleep and everything so I video call him at 4 in the morning in the mood to just explain everything and I’m obviously tearing up at this point

Before I explain fully
He just gets mad again and says it wasn’t care okay it was just frustration

I remove the ring he gave me and cut the call



Now this is when it got bad

I told him I hated him

In rage


And then a lot of back and forth happened with things that none of us meant to say but still said like crazy.
But the biggest mistake I made was

I told him you know what
You deserved to be cheated on

Goodbye

He just told me to remember it and left
Today about a day later he came to me and said we should end the relationship on a good note and I had already apologized multiple times by then.

But he said this is the reason I don’t tell people stuff because they use your insecurity and hearing it from a woman I love so much broke my heart so bad and he also apologized for the pain he caused me but said that he doesn’t see me as the same woman anymore and that his love is fading away. He doesn’t want to let me go and still sees a future with me but he has to.

And that’s it.



Now I’m left here with this overwhelming sense of guilt that the man who literally flew for me gave me a ring apologized when it wasn’t his fault did everything to be by me

I made him leave just in one sentence

And now I’m gonna be the reason he doesn’t open up to people anymore.

He was the best thing that happened to me, despite his past he would do everything to keep me happy and communicate with me, he would tell me clearly what the issue was but I never paid attention. I lied to him about therapy, took it all for granted and ultimately lost him. I would keep putting the phone down, not let him speak and keep talking about breakups. Even when I told him I loved him and asked him to stay by me, it started feeling like I was lying and manipulating him. I lost my gem. Please help me.
3
User Profile: Mya000
Mya000 September 25th, 2023

@sociableChestnut7762

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time in your relationship. It sounds like there are complex emotions and past experiences at play here, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed.

First and foremost, please remember that you're not alone in facing these challenges. Many people struggle with issues from their past, and it can impact their present relationships. It's clear that you care deeply about your partner and regret the things that were said in the heat of the moment.

It might be a good idea to take some time for self-reflection and self-care. Understanding your own emotions and past experiences is crucial in order to move forward and heal. If you haven't already, consider seeking professional help or therapy to address your anger issues, impatience, and the fear of abandonment. Therapy can provide you with tools to manage your emotions and improve your communication skills, which can be very beneficial in any relationship.

Ultimately, remember that healing takes time, and it's okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals during this process. Be patient with yourself and try to learn from this experience to grow as an individual and in your future relationships. Take care 💛

User Profile: Barltik2065
Barltik2065 September 26th, 2023

@sociableChestnut7762

I am really sorry to hear what has been going on. It seems as though there is a lot of emotions flying in both directions. It is understandable why you are feeling what you are. It is ok to feel as you do right now. It is valid.

You are not alone with your concerns and feelings. We all have our own issues and concerns and struggles with the people we love and care about. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t be emotional.

There are several references about you “I become a parent”, “Stop being a parent all the time”, “called me a mom”. It sounds like that is a negative thing, do you feel you are a Mom and do you take it negatively?

I don’t tell people stuff because they use your insecurity” and “he’s not the best at communicating and today I got to know that it’s because he feels other will use his insecurities” How does that make you feel?

AS @Mya000 stated “It might be a good idea to take some time for self-reflection and self-care.” I second it. It is important to do self-reflection from different perspectives and there is no harm in having a non-biased opinion from professionals. Seeking to improve oneself is good, everyone benefits from us seeking and striving to be better spouses, friends, moms, dads, brothers, etc. It won’t be easy, so have patience with yourself and others.

And as @Mya000 stated, which I must add has some great information. WOW. “… healing takes time.” Live and learn from our mistakes. We (you) are human, we make mistakes, we are compassionate and passionate about different things. What might be important to me may not be important to someone else. We just need to learn about ourselves as much as others. We are Complex.

You are not alone, we are here and without judgement.