Unsure what to do.
My partner of 6+ years and I are breaking up. Recently I have being feeling insecure, we are engaged and have planned children, but despite me asking about when it will happen I never have a definitive answer. I understand that with our situation we can't plan anything. But this has been ongoing. He's very laid back and I'm not. Recently I have been analysing his friendship with another woman, all very innocent and he has shown me their messages. But I have fixated on her and can't seem to control my jealousy, I'm uncomfortable about him spending social time with her and messaging when it isn't necessary and it feels as though he doesn't really care how it makes me feel, it's something I have to deal with. He feels as though I am telling him what he can and can't do, and that underneath all of this I don't trust him. He has a physical problem that means currently we can't have sex, yet he won't go to the doctor. I believe that I feel insecure in relationship and that she is just a catalyst and realistically she probably isn't even interested in him and vice versa. But I just can't let it go. I'm always worrying about things that haven't happened. I have said I will go to counselling, but ultimately he won't do anything. I have to accept him, and how he is, but I have to change (I want to change to help us) but I can't do it on my own. We are not fighting and are still being kind to each other, but we have said we will split up as it isn't healthy.
@Claire2479
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Coming to a decision like that with such a long term partner must be painful, regardless of how amicable the split is.
You seem to be feeling insecure in the relationship for a number of reasons, and however unfounded it seems to be to your partner or indeed yourself, it is unfair if he does not try to some extent to actively help the situation, especially as you have admitted it, talked about it all and have put in your side of the effort to try to work through it. Having a laid back attitude, or an analytical one, is fine to a certain extent. In this case, perhaps it would have been better if he realised that being too laid back about everything, especially within a relationship which requires work and concerning his own health, was not the best state of mind. It takes two to build and maintain a healthy relationship, and any relationship requires some amount of work. Being analytical, or aware is also fine, but may get a little overbearing for oneself and a partner. However, on your side you at least acknowledge this behaviour in yourself and have tried to work on it. Would he consider going to counselling together, even at least once?
Realising and then taking action concerning a relatinship that has become unhealthy is a very brave thing to do. You know what you need the best, and I hope you will find your way through this, whatever you decide to do.
@Anuna thank you for your reply and I agree. I have organised some counselling for myself, but other than that we are just carrying on and not talking about it. Neither of us knows what to do. It's just hard that he would let the relationship end because he doesn't want to change anything and just to carry on being himself. I can't do it on my own. I guess I will have more insight when I have had some counselling.
I hope you and your partner can come to a compromise, or at the least that you both can learn from this experience and can move on to be your best selves, and that the counseling goes well and helps you figure it all out. Stay strong :)
