Venting
My ex just told me be doesn't love me right now, but he still cares about me. I'm not even sure what that means. I'm still in love with him, and he still goes above and beyond for me. We broke up about a month ago, although we just hooked up a couple days ago. Supposedly, it messed with his feelings. Which I don't believe would happen if he didn't love me. We've agreed to give each other space until January, and see how we feel then. If there's even remotely any feelings, we're going to completely start over. I just don't get how you lose feelings for someone overnight, when you lived with them for a year. I know for a fact there's no one else, because we spent all out time together. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. He went through a lot with an ex who cheated, and put drugs before him. I think he's afraid of me doing that. But he won't tell me what's wrong, which is very abnormal for him. I don't know what to do.
@Horsegirl30228
Hi there HG,
I'm so sorry about the pain that you're going through in this situation. It can be bewildering and hurtful when a partner that we trust takes a 180* turn in a direction that really doesn't make much sense at the time.
Your ex confiding in you that he dealt with a lot of hurt feelings with in his last relationship due to them not placing him high on their priority list is very powerful, and shows how much he trusts you. He also may have some unresolved feelings and fears still stemming from that situation.
Sometimes, the better a new relationship or situation gets for a person, the more afraid they are of it, because it seems "too good to be true", and they're just waiting for the other shoe to drop and have things fall apart, like it did "last time" with their previous relationships.
It's great that you and your ex have decided to try out and see how you feel over a period of four months, to truly reasses how things are going within the two of you. If he is hesitant right now to talk to you verbally, maybe you could write him a letter addressing some of your concerns, especially in regards to you feeling like him holding his feelings back will just continue to be detrimental for his healing process.
Sometimes, seeing things written out is less scary than having to face someone you love and tell them what's haunting you. And hey, maybe he might even be up for signing up as a member here on 7 Cups as well, and seeing if that'll help?
In any case, it's beautiful how much you care for your ex, despite the turbulent emotional storm he is dealing with in his heart. Please be patient with yourself, because you are doing the best you can to respect his decision, while balancing out your own feelings. He really might just be struggling so much more than what can be seen on the surface, and maybe, you'll be a key factor in helping him to finally move past the hurt that he suffered in the past.
Sending wishes of peace <3
@Kahilum08 I appreciate the nice response. I was expecting a lot of rude comments honestly. So thank you for that.
Before we started dating he was very open, even the first couple months of us dating he was. So it surprised me that he kept these feelings bottled up for months and let it get this bad. I've told him I'm always going to be there for him. Even since before we started dating. But after the first few month's he's never told me he's feelings. I feel like I burden him with mine, but I had no one else to talk to, and still really don't, aside from this app and a couple others. It's still not the same as being able to talk to a friend though. I'm worried about him doing something stupid and hurting himself, but he just keeps saying he's fine and I should worry about myself and not him. After his last breakup, he stood at a bridge at 2am while drunk, and I don't want to be the reason he does that a second time, or worse. I want to be the one who helps him through it all, even if he doesn't want a relationship anymore. But he just keeps pushing me away.
I have tried sending him a text, I felt like a letter was something he wasn't guaranteed to read since he's terrible at remembering to open mail. And I haven't mentioned this app to him, but I have mentioned another one I use in addition to this one. So I will try bringing this one up to him, and see how he feels about it.
@Horsegirl30228
:: hugs :: I'm glad that you tried to reach out about how you're feeling today, even if you were worried that you wouldn't be met with support and love. That's what should be coming your way! :)
With your mentioning that your ex still goes above and beyond for you, despite having broken up a month ago, it's great to hear that you are still able to turn to him for comfort and to express your feelings. Our partners should be trusted confidants and closest friends if possible. Even if you find yourself not having many people to talk to, just trying to take a chance to open up to the available friends you do have, as well as on this app, can really make a world of difference in times of need. So, kudos to you for making the effort! <3
It certainly is worrisome that he put himself in a dangerous situation while drunk after his last breakup. I certainly hope that he doesn't try something similar again this time around. The fact that you're willing to stick by his side, even if he's currently saying that he does not want to have a relationship is very admirable of you. It shows how much you truly care about your ex as a person, and are not letting your hurt feelings convince you that he should be written off for the pain his decision is causing.
Since you know your ex best, having sent him a text that you feel he would respond to better sounds a good idea. If he gets shy about the idea of using a listening app, maybe he might feel more comfortable if you "demo" a conversation with someone? Sometimes, just seeing how something works without being fully committed to it can help someone feel more confident about trying it out for themselves, even if in the moment they might brush it off. Your ex might get curious a day or two later and try it out!
Waiting for him to start his healing journey can be tough, but you certainly show that you are invested in his progress. If he keeps asking you to worry about yourself and not him, it might help to gently remind him that you're doing just fine taking care of yourself, since you are actively finding ways to get support to help you through this tough time. Since you can tell that since he's struggling, it might benefit him to try some similar stuff out, for his own growth.
Hopefully more ideas will come around to try and help your ex coax himself back to a place of emotional security! <3
I have tried sending him a text, I felt like a letter was something he wasn't guaranteed to read since he's terrible at remembering to open mail. And I haven't mentioned this app to him, but I have mentioned another one I use in addition to this one. So I will try bringing this one up to him, and see how he feels about it.