We're on a break but it feels like she already decided to end it
My partner and I have only been in a relationship for over 6 months. The first few months were the happiest we've been however even during those times, the stress from her work and family overwhelms her and she sometimes shut down on me, sees every little mistakes I make and criticize my every move that I became too conscious on how I act towards her when we're together. We somehow able to get past it although the next couple of months were still a bit shaky. We celebrated our 6th month together, all was good but then 2 weeks ago, she started to get stress with work again and her issue with her brother, for the last week we were together, she barely talked to me and I'm at fault too since I didn't reach out to her, we were total opposites, she's the outgoing type and I'm the quiet one so when she started to ignore me and barely talks to me, I got worried that we're back again to how it was before. I got sick a day before I left to stay with my family, I felt like she got annoyed with me more since she doesn't want another person to take care of, she always tells me whenever we had this kind of problem in our relationship, that she didn't get a partner, more like she got a child to take care of, that I'm not the same person that she knew, and I apologize to her for my shortcomings, she asked for a break and wants time before we talk about our relationship cause she have other more important things to worry about like her work and kids, and I get that, I accepted the fact that I could never be her priority, I always tell her that her kids should always comes first, she apologized to me as well, telling me that she's not okay and doesn't want to think about our relationship first, so I agreed on the break she wanted, I messaged her maybe once after that talk, like a last message before we officially take a break from the relationship, but then that night she wanted to talk because of her problems with her brother, so we did, she got a bit better the next morning, and she still wants to continue the break and doesn't want to talk about our relationship yet, so i respected that and told her that I'll give her the time and space she needs, we still check on each other however the way she replies to me feels like she already has fallen out of love and no longer wants to continue what we have, i still tell her i love her every day and that i appreciate her, she would normally okay or thank you, and that was painful as hell, I asked her if its better that I don't message her at all but she said it was okay and that she was just trying to keep herself busy and that she hopes I understand, I said I do, its been almost a week that we're on this so called break, and I feel like a doormat, it feels like she just doesn't really care anymore about me and just trying to soften the blow of a breakup, she said we'll talk soon but I don't know how long I can take, or if I would still ask for us to fix it, or just accept it if she wants to end our relationship. I have no one else to talk to, my family nor my friends doesn't know, so its a lot more difficult for me, but I don't want to leave her knowing that she gets easily overwhelmed with stress and problems, i still love her but I don't know how long I can last with this break we have.
@fraisesaumiel hiiii pm me so we can help you out hun
I'm sorry, I'm new here and can't seem to find a way to send a pm to you
@fraisesaumiel
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out about your situation.
I understand we all get overwhelmed with life and work from time to time, however the way she's handling all of this will only cause further hurt towards you and herself. I can tell she didn't develop coping mechanisms when it comes to tough emotions and stress, so she ends up shutting down on everyone. You begin to feel hurt, neglected and abandoned (which is completely understandable) when she shuts down. I really think she's not taking into account how you feel, and it's only focusing on how she's feeling.
The dynamic of this relationship is one person wanting more closeness, while the other wants more space. She's being very critical of every thing you do, so this will only bring negativity, stress and hurt into what you two have. This behavior of her will also impact how safe and close you feel towards her, so it's a behavior she needs to change. It's very very important to make each other a priority on the relationship because if it's not like this then the relationship will quickly fall apart. I can tell you are making her a priority, while she's just not treating you the same way. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, and make you a priority in their life.
She wanted a break, but ends up messaging about something going on her life. This is a sign that is not a break when she needs to vent, but otherwise she shows lack of interest. I don't like the way she did this because it showed she only cared about how she felt.
I understand you love her, and you are doing the best you can to show her, but this is something that will make her feel smothered. It's very very important to be aware of the other person interest level, it will reveal how they feel. For example; if you keep saying "I love you" everyday while she's not reciprocating then it will make her feel smothered and then will she will begin to back away.
In my honest opinion, this relationship will cause you further hurt. She mistreats you, shuts down a lot, criticize you for everything, doesn't treat you like a priority, is often rude and self-absorbed. You deserve far better than this, hope you are able to make a decision that best fits you.
Thank you for saying all that. I always tell others to never settle for less, that they deserve someone who'll love them just as much they do. I know I'm in the receiving end of my advise now, I just didn't realize it would be this hard. I'm really trying to be as understanding as I could, she told me everything that she went through so I felt like if I leave her now then I'm abandoning her at her lowest point, I feel guilty about it, its eating me up, cause I know that I shouldn't be treated this way but at the same time I feel like I'm being selfish for thinking this way. I want to make us work, God knows I want to, I'm trying as much as I could, she's just having a really hard time and I don't want to add up to it. I've been thinking of leaving for good, but I don't want to do it through chat or phone call, I respect her so much to at least tell her in person but she's still not ready to talk to me. We actually chatted last night, I asked if we could at least talk over the phone, she said she prefers for us to chat cause she can tell more of what she feels, she apologized for the pain and said that if she can take it away, she will but she's just in so much pain right now as well. She told me again that it doesn't feel like she found a partner in me and that she needs someone stronger than her, someone that can lead her, she said that our relationship is not her priority right now cause she needs to focus on her kids, family and work, and she knows that she's not being a good partner to me and she feels guilty about it. I asked if she still wants to be with me, she said she couldn't answer right now since she's at her most vulnerable state and doesn't want to make decisions that she might regret, I told her that I'll wait and that I still want to make it work, whatever she needs to do to get better. I know I have my shortcomings, and I apologized for it, and I tried to really make up for it, and I feel guilty as well since I'm hiding us from my family and friends while hers know about me. You see, I'm bisexual but I haven't told anyone yet, and it also adds that to the issues we're having as a couple. I just don't know when I'll be ready, she said at first that she can wait but now she feels like she reached her limit but she doesn't want to push me into telling my family and friends either. I know that I'm being unfair to her that's why I try to make up for it. I just don't know what to do cause I'm just in so much pain but she's hurting more, I feel really guilty and sad with all this, I want to get mad at her but I couldn't. I don't know anymore. I just want this to be over.
@fraisesaumiel
Its understandable you care about her, and it’s normal to feel this need to help her, but is it worth the hurt and neglect you are going through because of her?. You are putting your needs, wants, feelings and who you are as a person second for someone who’s mistreating you and not taking into account how you feel. There has to be a time where you put yourself first and tend to how you feel without always ignoring how all of this is making you feel.
She basically changed the terms of the relationship by saying “I prefer text over phone calls”. She’s dictating how much you two talk, and controlling what way to communicate. Texting conversations in a relationship only leads to misunderstandings, and things never get resolved this way. I understand you want this to work, but it takes two people working on a relationship on order for things to work out.
The moment you hear “ The relationship is not a priority to me. I have work, family, and the kids to focus on first”, it is where you have to think if this is a relationship worth keeping. Remember, you can’t save or help another person unless they are willing to help themselves first. Two people in a relationship should be treating each other as a priority, if not then the relationship will fail. You should want someone who’s going to make you a priority, will appreciate who you are as a person, who will treat you properly, who behaves in a consistent manner, who will put the effort on making things work, who will respect you and will treat you as her partner. She’s not doing any of the things I mentioned on my previous sentence, which means you deserve far better. Remember, You have the right to walk away from people who mistreat you, who hurt you, who don’t have their best intentions for you, don’t treat you as a priority, and not meetings your needs. The decision is yours to make, I wish you good luck and hopefully you can make a decision that makes you happy.
I know you're right, and thank you again for saying that. I guess I need time to also get myself back, I know I lost myself by giving everything to her, she got overwhelmed and I lost myself. Thank you, I really appreciate you telling me this. I know that this is what I need.
