What I didn't think would happen - happened

This happened yesterday, but I wasn't really able to function much yesterday. Today isn't much better but I am at least trying to get it all out even though it's hardly helping.

So..I was with my boyfriend for 1 year and 7 months as of yesterday. I thought we were doing good, maybe a little distant since I was at college but I didn't think it was anything that we couldn't fix. We were talking fine up until last week and he suddenly felt distant. I just thought maybe something was going on, and boy was I wrong.

He broke up with my yesterday - on our anniversary over the phone. Saying he just couldn't be in a relationship anymore because he just needed to focus on his school work because he hasn't been doing well, and that he wasn't happy as of late in the relationship.

I understand, sort of, but part of me thinks it was mainly my fault. I was always down because I am miserable at college and I wasn't really helping him emotionally and now I just am beating myself up because I lost the one guy I really love. No he isn't my first boyfriend I had two others and I never felt this way about them. This hurts a lot. I often thought about our future and he did too. We talked about the future not even 3 weeks before this whole deal.

So as you can guess I am really broken right now. He was one of the only people who could make me really smile and mean it. He saved me so many times and I really do love him.

He said he still cares about me and he wants to be there for me - and I want him to stay around and I know it's a dumb idea but I think I am going to be his friend. I think I am always going to love him and it'll probably hurt more than help but I can't let him go. I feel pathetic really. He deleted all pictures of me and him off of his social media. That hurt.

Yet I can't even be upset. All my thoughts are about him and all I can do is cry. I feel tempted every minute to pick up my phone and text him like usual and just say that I can't deal with the silence and I will be a friend but I know it's too soon for either of us - or maybe just me. I have no idea how he is handling this. I have no idea if he even feels any pain.

All I really want to do is sleep because at least the dreams are happy with him. Then when I wake up I am in reality and he's gone.

I am so broken and I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to go to, and I don't really want to go to therapy again or anything like that which is why I am not telling my parents because I know what my mom will say already.

I just love him way too much. Heck I can't even take off the ring he gave me. I try but then I always put it back on.

This really sucks.