What is to come next..

@CanLynn

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Hi there, Im new to this and not the best about talking about what Im going through but I figured it was about time as Im struggling.

I had been with the same guy off and on for eleven years. (This is an indication that the deeper issues on this relationship have not been resolved. There's a chance the attachment trauma from the both of you keeps triggering which leads to issues) Last year I moved across country to live with him after finishing uni. It was a dream we were both happy and had a collection of pets together. Until he wasnt happy anymore. Financial burden hit him, but he didnt communicate the issue as he believed that it wasnt my burden as it was related to his parents. (They are times where we may have to handle things by ourselves, but in this case theres a chance he is the type thats not willing to seek support in difficult times because it comes at a cost of losing his own indepdence. I believe he might shut down on these cases) So instead he let that build up into contempt for me, (I get the impression he either took his anger on you or deep down he expected to be taken care of) and the world around him. At which point he ended our relationship and I was stuck uprooting my life and moving back in with my parents across the country

We continued to talk as weve been in each others lives since we were 15. He apologized, realizes he was in the wrong and just couldnt see out of the situation he was in. (This is usually just all talk because he is talking from a place "I need" and "i feel anxious not having you in my life" so often times he will say certain to earn you back, but then he will either behave lazy or goes back to his old behavior) I foolishly believed that this sounded like a positive we actually communicated like we should have the entire time. Until this week when he cut mme out of his life for good. (Thats awful...you must had felt incredibly hurt and sad seeing the way he cut you off. People like him get extremely overwhelmed when there closeness or adult communication because is something they fear. It's awful the way he cameback and then left again)

Im not sure where to go from here. Ive been back for two months. I need to get a job but have a panic attack every time I try to, (It sounds like what he did cause you to feel very hurt and sad. I can tell uncomfortable feelings tend to overwhelm you which makes you want to avoid, distract or give up, but the moment you do this is where the panic attack will get worst. Have you thought of athleast filling job application one per day until you get comfortable to fill more?) I want to move on but Im also not ready to say goodbye. It feels silly to say out loud but its the reality of my feelings. (At this point its okay to feel this way after what happened. We all have our own unique time to heal and grieve, its important to try to force this though)