What should I do
So Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year, and we even had promise rings. Weve been in an open relationship since last summer but it was so we could experiment with same sex. Since he was able to find whoever he wanted to hook up with, and I couldnt, he told me I could get with my best guy friend. But then a few days afterwords my bf told me that he had been lying to me for a while about being feminine and liking girly stuff like shaving his legs and whatnot, that he only did it because I liked girls. It completely ruined my trust for him and I dont even wear my promise ring anymore. I feel forced whenever I talk to him, but when I think about him I miss him. He also lives 60 or so miles away, and is usually really busy. I want to break up but I dont at the same time and Im so conflicted
@Stressymessy I don't want to give you the wrong advice because someone may know better than myself but, if you truly feel like you're forcing yourself to talk to him than that's not good. I know that breakups can be hard and you are torn between staying and not but, in this case, you have to listen to your heart and your mind. There was no reason to lie to you about liking girly things or lying about anything for that matter. I'm sure this didnt help but, dont force yourself to talk to someone if you dont want to. It's only going to hurt you both.
Hi @Stressymessy, I know relationships are hard, messy, and complicated. I would ask myself in this situation: am I afraid to be alone? Is this why I miss him and want to be in this relationship? Sometimes, we'd rather be in a relationship that isn't warm, supportive, nurturing, trustworthy, because we'd rather be in A relationship than be alone. Fear of loneliness can motivate some of our decisions, not what's in our best interest, and what self-care would motivate us to do.
When you are hungry, you don't pick what to eat (as in what's good for you), you just go for whatever is available. To be able to make weighted decisions in your true best interest and self-care, you need to be comfortable with the idea that you may be alone for a while, and that it may take a long time before that true goodness will come, and you have to be patient. Some food for thought.
Hi @Stressymessy , to me it seems as if you really miss the time with him before you got to know about his lie. Is that correct?
It is normal to miss the good times in a relationship and to want to stay because of the good times in hope that things will be better. Hope is very strong when you have had very good times with someone.
You feel that you have lost the trust in him and you also describe that you have taken off the ring. Do you in your heart not feel committed to him anymore?
In difference to what the other answers here that you have got, though, I will ask you to put yourself in his shoes when he said that that he liked things that later turned out to not be true. What could be the reason for him to say something like that?
Many people get insecure and say a lot of things to please the person that the want to impress.
This is a leading question, but I am thinking that what if something much earlier made him scared of losing you if he didn't tell you that he was also in for experimenting? Open relationships may after all not seem very promising and solid.
Before you decide anything, try to make him also put himself in your shoes and make him understand how you felt when he eventually told you the truth about what he likes.