Who do I talk to about painful memories?
I recently find myself thinking and dreaming about an Ex that things ended terribly with. He did not have a job, didn't go to school, did drugs, and he had cheated on me multiple times. He was a pathological liar. But I felt controlled by him and I felt that I couldn't function without him. I loved him and was prepared to be in a serious relationship with him, but he wasn't. He got me involved with drugs. And I felt like he ruined me beyond repair.
Although the relationship hadn't officially ended we had grown distant. We would go months at a time without seeing each other. And he was talking to one of his exes who he had cheated on me with. I met the man I am with now. And he gave me the strength to do the right thing. I Called him and told him I met someone else and I was moving on and I never wanted to speak to him again. He just said okay. I hung up and blocked him from everything. For awhile he tried different ways to try to contact me or would have friends spy on me. I don't think any of that is happening anymore. We've been apart for 2 and a half years now. I didn't think of him much if any until recently. I'm not sure why... I guess im just worried that he will forever hold or control part of me and I want to get rid of that feeling.
I also feel like I can't talk to my SO about this because it really would likely cause more damage to our relationship than it would help. In the same way I also feel I should be able to talk to him about anything
What do you think? Advice?
@737wingss
Hey! You have been through a lot. And I'm glad that you found this man who gave you the strength to leave your past behind. I know some memories do stay with us for a lifetime and we feel like we need to let it out to someone who will understand. Why do you think that talking about this to your SO might do damage? Can you explain a bit more? How much does he already know about your relationship with your ex?
@EnchantingMe he knows that he cheated on me and he knows there were drugs involved. But not really any details. My boyfriend I guess feels upset or maybe jealous or over protective when we discuss the past. He would listen, but I know that talking about things would be painful for him to listen to. I think he worries if I talk about the past it means I haven't moved on which I really have because my life is completely different now. I just don't feel it's right to put those feelings on him. Especially because he suffered a lot while I had to change into a better person after the previous relationship destroyed me And left nothing good behind.
@737wingss
Well, if you think that it hurts him to listen about your past then it wouldn't be wise to talk to him about it. However, if you ever want to unburden yourself by talking about it, maybe you could reach out to a close friend. Have you considered journaling? It really helps with dealing with our emotions. And as you know, you can always connect with a listener one-on-one to talk about it.
@EnchantingMe I've always been afraid of journaling. I know it's strange but I'm afraid of others reading it. But I think that you're right, I should find a way to vent.
@737wingss
True, someone reading your journal can be really scary, and having that fear can stop us from puring our heart into the pages. If you don't feel safe writing in a journal, maybe you could pour out all your emotions and everything you want to say into a paper and then burn it. That sometimes helps as a release.
@737wingss
Hi. I think (my opinion) its normal for you to still think about you ex, he was a part of your life and that is now a memory. Memories get triggered all the time. It doesnt mean he controls you or that you still have feelings for him, it means he is a part of your life story. Acceptance is something I have really strived for in my life, especially of the past. There is no use trying to fight it (the past) or try to get rid of it in one way or another. Its there forver but that doesnt mean we have to be "bothered" by it if we accept it and keep moving forward. So often we get caught up about our thoughts and feeling about the past, and some of that is healthy especially if we are processing it and trying to move forward. I think there comes a time in healing where we accept the past (we cant change it) and let it be, in the past, as a memory, without attaching any meaning to it. When the memory surfaces you remember it and you let it keep going.