Why can't I get over this?

This is dumb and really long and the grammer is probably really bad and I'm rambling, so if anyone cares enough to still read this... thanks

So I had my first "boyfriend" and first breakup last year toward the end in November 2017. It was emotionally taxing on me. I'm over the relationship but, I'm still struggling with things and I feel pathetic about it. I don't know where else to talk about it, so I hope here is okay.

So I meet this guy on Tinder and he seemed sweet enough. We were chatting a bit and my friend convinced me to meet up with him. I would have waited longer, but I felt pressured. At the same time this was occuring my parents were really pushing that I try to find a guy to date. I'm 18 and my parents were social butterflies when they were younger and don't understand why I'm more hestitant to date and jump into relationships. I'm a person who gets very emotionally attached to people very quickly if I'm not careful. I'm usually shy when meeting anyone and it takes me a while to open myself up to people. It's like a defense mechanism. Either I am extremely cautious when first meeting people or I make mistakes like this one. Anyways, so I meet up with this guy and he seemed rather sweet. My friends were extremely excited I'm very introverted so this was new news for them to talk about I guess. My parents found out about the date very quickly because my friends and family are pretty close and we are the type of people who like to share what is happening in our lives. My dad started making jokes and being silly and asking if we had kissed yet (somewhat joking, somewhat serious). I hate how they act about any interation with a boy. I hate it. Especially since all I want is there approval. My younger siblings get better grades than me and I'm the oldest. I'm studying to be an artist and my brother is going to be studying to be a doctor and has like a 4.5 GPAwhere as I have a 3.2GPA. I just want to impress them in any way I can. So I felt very pressured and on the second or third date I kissed this guy, even though I wasn't ready or comfortable. Later on the third date from feeling accepted by my parents I made a mistake. And this is going to seem very boring. I'm making it sound like a big deal even though I'm sure to others it isn't, but it was to me. He asked me to be his "girlfriend" on the third date and I said yes. I felt so accepted. Both by my family and the idea that someone wanted to date me. I've always felt rejected a bit and even though I shouldn't have I did. My friends then hurt me imensely. They meant to help but they hurt me really bad. They started judging me for rushing into a relationship and almost completely cut ties with me during that time. That hurt a lot. I should also mention a very big part of the problems that followed. First I tend to conform how I talk to the people around me. A problem I have because I want to fit in. I have a horrible problem of wanting people to like me. So on the first few dates with this guy I tried to be perfect. Even if it wasn't quite me. It was simple stupid things like that I love pizza. And pizza is okay I enjoy it from time to time but I actually was really sick of eating it at college. I lie about the music I like because though I do like a lot of different genres I just say whichever the one they like is good, even if I don't care for it that much. It's little things like that. I hate myself that I try to conform and not be who I am in the simplist of ways to make other people happy. Also, this boy was fairly awkward and would apologize for things to which I would say it's fine. Now if your an awkward person like me you know when someone comforts you sometimes that can mean a lot. Another thing is that neither of us had dated anyone before so that was another reason we rushed things. Okay sorry for all that info, here is the issues that happend that affected me and bugging the hell out of me. After "becoming his girlfriend" he confessed that he felt like he could tell me anything. He told me that he had been feeling depressed and that spending time with me made him not feel that way. And I was glad intially that I could make someone feel better and make them happy. But there is one problem. Depression scares me a bit. One of my parents ended up in the hospital for several weeks during my junior year of high school because they had a really bad depressive episode. I found out that year and it was really traumatizing and scary what happened to them. They didn't look themselves and I could do almost nothing about it. I was there support and helped to pull them out of it and keep them going. Now as me and this boy dated for a week and a half. The first week of dating he CONSTANTLY kept telling me how much I was helping him. That I meant so much to him and that he didn't know what he would do without me sort of a thing. Dealing with the past event I mentioned I got really scared and anxious. I didn't want to be someone's anchor again. I didn't want to pull them out of the storm. I was scared. I didn't want to see anyone go through what my parent had gone through again. It was really really hard and painful. I became really anxious and couldn't sleep. Eventually after a week and a half of dating and trying to make this rushed relationship work where I was trying to be this perfect person that I wasn't I broke up with him. And I felt soooo guilty. Horribly guilty. I hate hurting people. I felt like I led him on. But I just couldn't do it. He mentioned depression all the time and it triggered me and I had felt so anxious. I didn't want to see him. I couldn't. I avoided him for the rest of the semester. I even believe I may have fallen into a depression afterwards hating myself. My family told me that they didn't recognize me during that time and that they couldn't cheer me up.

Now I know that in a relationship both people matter. My mental health was not well in that relationship and it was better to get out early than to try to pretend everthing was alright.

So how this pertains now is that I'm really scared about trying to date someone again. I feel like I don't know how you are supposed to date someone. I feel like I'll rush into something. I'm worried I'll try to pretend to be someone I'm not to impress someone. I have an irrational fear that my friends will abandon me and judge me again and tell me "told you so" when it doesn't work out. I hate myself a lot right now and how I act on my emotions and I try not to. I know this is dumb. This is so incredibly dumb. People have way worse problems. But I'm taking this as I talk to others. Issues wheather big or small can effect people differently and we need to let them out. If we keep them in they tear us up and it will never get better.

I used to feel confident and think that I wait until I meet someone I felt comfortable around and take dating slow, but after this I just feel lost.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did. I don't even know if this made any sense but it feels a bit better to have that out of my system