Why is he unable to love me back?
I was with my ex-boyfriend for a year, during that time I started to feel as though I loved him. After I started saying "I love you" he would occasionally say it back. At some pont he stopped saying it back. After that stopped he also stopped showing affection in some ways. When I confronted him about it he insisted that there was no way to fix the problem.
He eventually broke up with me because he did not feel the same. He says that his feelings for me did not "grow". He felt that it was unfair to keep the relationship going if we didn't feel the same about each other.
He wanted to keep contact, so we still meet at least once a week. He still treats me like his girlfriend (holding my hand, kissing me goodbye, looking at me in a loving way, etc). When we get together it feels like I'm still his girlfriend. We also communicate everyday so the only thing that has changed is the title.
I can't help but feel like he loves me back but is afraid of love. At the same time I feel used bc I'm giving him all of me and getting nothing in return.
When we were together my mild depression, anxiety, feelings of lonlieness, and insecurity caused problems in our relationship. I keep thinking that he can't love me back because I'm so flawed and unattractive. I keep trying to find ways to tone myself down and be more easygoing. My hope is that these things will make me more loveable. But on the other hand I'm working on self-love.
I feel confused and hopeless at this point.
@kiiesha He may be a little confused on how he feels and didn't want to tell you that he loved you often because he didn't want to be lying to you if it turned out he didn't really love you like he was saying he did. It doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for you, it just means that he might be a little confused about his feelings, which is why he's still with you in a way but on completely with you.
@kiiesha
Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for a year, during that time I started to feel as though I loved him. After I started saying "I love you" he would occasionally say it back. At some pont he stopped saying it back. (This is probably where things changed with him, if he did stopped saying "I love you" back then it's where feelings changed for one reason or the other) After that stopped he also stopped showing affection in some ways. When I confronted him about it he insisted that there was no way to fix the problem. (He was not giving 100% on this relationship, it's like he stopped being the guy you fell in love with)
He eventually broke up with me because he did not feel the same. He says that his feelings for me did not "grow". He felt that it was unfair to keep the relationship going if we didn't feel the same about each other. (This does tell me he felt like this for a long time, but didn't speak up until that time. He should have been honest with you the minute his feelings started to change before things got very deep between the two of you)
He wanted to keep contact, so we still meet at least once a week. He still treats me like his girlfriend (holding my hand, kissing me goodbye, looking at me in a loving way, etc). When we get together it feels like I'm still his girlfriend. We also communicate everyday so the only thing that has changed is the title. (He mentioned keeping contact with you, meeting up, but mentioned his feelings did not "grow", ended the relationship, but still want to treat you like his girlfriend. These kind of things are unfair to you because the end of the relationship was a hurtful process for you. It's as if he is keeping you in the background until he found someone)
I can't help but feel like he loves me back but is afraid of love. At the same time I feel used bc I'm giving him all of me and getting nothing in return. (You are giving him everything because it's who you are, but you are also doing it to get something in return which is like expectation. You could be possibly doing this to not lose him. The problem here is that you are giving and giving, while he is not giving back..., so it makes you give more and more, while he just takes and takes. This makes him take for granted what you are giving since he doesn't really have to do much, all he needs to do is not be on a relationship with you while getting all of the benefits, you shouldn't give him so much)
When we were together my mild depression, anxiety, feelings of lonlieness, and insecurity caused problems in our relationship. (This might cause problems on a relationship, it will make you hyper vigilant of him leaving you, even the smallest of reasons will cause you fear of loss so it might make you do things to get that level of closeness back from him such as saying "I love you" more to see if he would say it back, being affectionate to see if he is affectionate back and among other things. The loneliness and insecurities part will trigger a lot as well, so it's like being very overwhelmed when these kind of things affect you.) I keep thinking that he can't love me back because I'm so flawed and unattractive. I keep trying to find ways to tone myself down and be more easygoing.(I don't think that's the reason, he has his own issues to deal with as well, or there's the chance he could have fallen out of love for one reason or the other. If you see yourself as that then is going to make you act in ways according to how you view yourself.) My hope is that these things will make me more loveable. But on the other hand I'm working on self-love.
@freshLight64
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Everything that you mentioned makes sense. I have been very afraid to lose him b/c I don't want to be alone. Im also affraid that someone better will come along. Someone that he is able to love and respect.
You are right, it is unfair that he takes all of the benefits of a boyfriend but not the responsibility and commitment. I should let him go, but I don't think that I'm ready just yet. I'm scared, and very attached to him. I know that no matter how long we keep in contact he won't commit so even if it takes me a year or two I'll have to move on.
@kiiesha
One of the main reasons he won't commit to you is that you are still on the background and going along with his terms. You should walk away by leaving the door open when someone breaks up with you. I know it's very scary walking away from a person you love and adore, but at the same time you are experiencing hurt and sadness.
@kiiesha
Hey
Your situation was very similar to one of my friend's. Do you think it may be because of his fear to hmmm commit? My boyfriend once told me that having a girlfriend is limiting one's ability to socialize and is a responsibility. The fact he stopped showing affection and saying I love you was a sign that he was confused towards his desire (maybe not the correct wording) towards this relationship.
Of course, as long as both sides love each other, the responsibility and limitation that come with the relationship will not be a problem. But what if he's not sure if that's what he wants? Maybe he still loves/likes you, but I guess not enough for him to continue to commit in that relationship, which is the reason why he broke up I guess.
It's clear that you are still attached to him, and that may have a disastrous consequence for you later on. His interactions with you right now is like giving you hope that you guys may still be able to be together, but what if he suddenly gets a gf? You should talk to him and ask him what he really wants. Does he want you to wait, does he still want you guys to be together in the future, or does he just wants to be friends? Ask him, get a direct response, and clear your mind. I've seen my friend suffering from the same situation and I really hope you won't go through the same pain she went through.
Good luck!! <3
