Worth saving?
After 25 yrs together, and 23 yrs married, 3 wonderful kids, home, etc, she says "We married to young"... so she moved out. She did tell me this just didn't happen overnight, but was evolving.
My mom who's always been with me was a part of the household after marriage and gave support wherever she could with kids, help in keeping home functional, cooking, etc but tradeoffs were that she seems to have insecurities or borderline personality issues, depression, and/or slight bi-polar. She could sometimes make the energy in the room feel negative and there has been many times where she made my wife feel as if she's walking on eggshells as there were things that wasn't up par according to moms standards. I was never biased and called out my mom whenever I saw her in the wrong and other times, without defending my mom, I would try and explain that mom is from a different generation and that comes with different values and expectations but it's no excuse for her behavior.
Her and I were best friends and at times, of course with any marriage, had our ups & downs, rough patches, but I never raised my voice towards her, or even put a finger in her face. We celebrated so many good positive moments through our life together, but most, if not all of it doesn't matter now as any and most mistakes from past that didn't matter, now do matter, hence leading to "We married to young"..She herself has struggled with some sort of depression at times, not clinical.
There's so much more to it as far as owning my mistakes from past and present, unfortunately, we handled conflicts differently, resentments came into play, etc. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure how she has become so cold towards me, a person I don't recognize anymore, especially we are both from broken homes and it seemed like we'd never put our kids through that, but here we are.
Slowly, I saw distancing, told me not to hold her all the time as I always held her for a short while, then turn over to go to sleep, months later, she asked me to sleep in another room. We went on a family vacation and once we returned, a month later, letter stating she is wanting out of the marriage and listed some of these reasons why.
You must be so sad after 25 years, I feel for you. Hang in there and look after yourself and let’s hope things can turn out ok for you all. Thinking of you.
@sincereFarm2814-Thank you your empathy. I've been hanging in there since 09/2019. Oldest daughter (18) is struggling with own personal issues, depression, anxiety. Routine of counseling and med changes...
I recommend the book “7 principles for making a marriage work” by Gottman. One of the things I was surprised to read about was how common it was for the mother in law to be a problem in the marriage. Basically the only way it’ll work is if you put your wife first. Maybe you did that but it sounds like it needs to be more apparent like perhaps figuring out a different living arrangement for your mom. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for your wife not to feel at peace in her own home for over 2 decades. I’m sure she is also sad to be leaving a 25 year relationship but you could let her know you’re willing to make drastic changes to make the marriage work.
@resourcefulOwl7361-Hi Owl! Thanks for your insight. I've listened to what seems like over a thousand podcasts from Dr. Joe Beam, PhD from marriagehelper.com. He views Gottman as a relationship genius.
Mom did move out realizing she was part of the problem, confused that although there were times of tensions leading to heated arguments, there were a lot more good, positives that were shared. The support with the kids from infancy (cooking for all, diapers, feeding, bathing, massaging the babies, school/soccer rides as needed) she gave as a loving grandma. Basically, she really helped us keep the home and family functional. In return, we gave her a secure home with all the amenities. I truly feel I was never biased and I think my wife understood that her and kids were my priorities.
She did try to convince mom not to move out. Mom, without thinking, responds that since she IS part of the problem, it's best she move out. Wife's response was "there's nothing between her and I" so mom moving out won't change her mind about leaving the relationship. I think her perspective was that I would have Mom for support and Mom would still have me as support and it's foolish for her to move out to senior housing on fixed income at this age versus staying home, saving whatever income, etc. Also, the kids have Dad and grandma at the same location when visiting. Basically her mind was made up. Mom's hurting because of separation from the very grandkids she lives for, seeing the grandkids are separated from each other. She's hurting that I see my daughters visit then walk out of the front door of the very home in which they grew up in, played, gotten hurt or owwies, laughed, cried, etc.
Dr. Beam feels a marriage should never dissolve unless there's safety risks or something like addiction to drugs, habitual infidelity that won't resolve causing harm. Otherwise, their firm belief is "generally, people don't leave what they have, unless they believe what they're going to is better". It could be a free and independent lifestyle with no one to answer to that wasn't experienced in younger years or it could be for another person. World renowned therapist Ester Perel states "people don't leave relationships b/c they're unhappy, they leave b/c they can be happier" if that makes any sense. Grass is greener type of mentality.
All this really resonates with me. If she isn't in an emotional/physical affair, and for the record, I am definitely no therapist of any kind and I can't know what is going on in her heart and mind, I feel she may be going through a midlife crisis. It's not a documented medical condition, but a transition some go through.
Experts claim typical signs are some type of grief or sense of loss by realizing certain boxes haven't been checked or the future that was fantasized yet wasn't realized as the "window of life" is slowly closing. This causes pain leading to anger to which is taken out on those closest to you. Start withdrawing or push the spouse away. Looking only at the negatives, dismissing most if not all the positives, meaning rewriting history. Part of rewriting is voicing that it's been walking on eggshells causing the 25 yrs of built up distress, lastly, she said "we married too young". I validated her frustrations that occurred at times and tried not to down play it.
Irrational decisions are made. It's painful to look at my kids and realize that they didn't ask to be born, we wanted a family with kids. We assure them love, security, and protection from all outside harm. The only harm they did experience is from within their own security. I think this will leave scarring for life and the worst thing parent(s) can do is easily convince themselves that "the kids will be fine, kids are VERY resilient". That is tragically selfish in my opinion. We both came from broken homes and never wanted our kids to experience the hurt. Here we are.
Inexperienced therapist/counselors listen, then prognosis becomes "let's draw out the roadmap to only your happiness and take some meds through your journey into a new you".
I doubt they take into consideration the devastation of all those involved. I'm sure marriage/family therapists look at the bigger picture, but that wasn't an option.
I am definitely not a innocent angel of a spouse with no flaws. I handled conflict by stonewalling (very, very immature) without discrimination regardless who pissed me off to get to that point of shut down. I'm working on that along with being a better person overall.
I want her to be happy. I'm now having to convince myself to keep trying, don't quit, then I start thinking that one person's misery is another person's fantasy, or one's trash is another's treasure. You get the picture. I am sorry for rambling on and on or being repetitive. Thanks so much for reaching out.
It sounds like she has already made up her mind about leaving and that’s why she didn’t want to try to work on the marriage by seeing if things get better when your mom moves out. I’ve heard of the “grass is greener” syndrome. I’m also recently going through a breakup (after being together for 9 years) and it’s definitely tough to hear that they think they can be happier elsewhere BUT take comfort in knowing that she can’t be happy if she stays and maybe if she goes out and explore she’ll find out that she was better off staying in the marriage and she could come back. I also sympathize with not having the best therapists and counselors, it sucks when it seems like they don’t understand the severity of things. Lastly, I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world for your kids to have parents that are separated (whether that’s temporarily or permanent), the most important thing is for your kids to have parents who are happy and there for them, and that can happen whether or not you are together. Hang in there. It sounds that you are truly doing your best and that’s all you can do! Sending positive vibes your way!
@resourcefulOwl7361-Hi Owl! Thanks for the positive vibes! I have no choice but to hang in there...actually I'm dangling on a string, holding the bag, picking up the broken pieces. Haha.
She's a different person altogether and it does seem a lot of thought was put into her motives. March 2020, I did ask if she wanted a divorce (mistake on my part as if I'm pushing her against a corner) and she said she needs time.
She's working on her degree. Her goal is to become a senior executive, then she'll put that on the table. I know she's wanting to buy a home. I've always tried to be supportive of her aspirations. We see where it goes..
Hey! I'm truly sorry for you separation. I'm also here to listen (read). Were you married, engaged, or dating? If you started a thread, let me know. I'll definitely chime in. Take care Owl.
Hang in there! I definitely know how it feels to be barely hanging on lol. It sounds like she’s doing some soul searching and I think the best thing for you to do is give her time and space to do that. It could be that she’s going through a midlife crisis and she feels like she missed out on experiences in life especially if she feels that she got married too young but she needs to figure out on her own what she truly wants. Be patient and continue to be supportive and see if she comes back. I haven’t posted a thread about my breakup but basically we dated for 9 years and the reason we broke up was because I wanted to get married and he didn’t. He had commitment issues and tried to work on them in therapy but wasn’t able to change. We loved/love each so it was kind of a weird breakup. Sometimes I still hope we somehow end up together but I think what’s meant to be will be and right now I just need to be move on but it’s been hard. Thank you for the kind words and for reaching out. 💕
@resourcefulOwl7361-If commitment is feared, then I wonder why people bother to start a relationship. I figure just keep on casual dating and not bother with the exclusive couple status. I wonder if people who fear commitment enjoy frequent loneliness where as those who are committed get to embrace companionship without fear of abandonment.
A big loss for him if he doesn't come to his senses. Best case scenario, he wakes up. Worst case scenario is he doesn't wake up and when he is ever ready to commit, the other person may dissapoint him.
Since there was no marriage and kids, don't wait too long. For now, set personal goals and go for it, then when ready, get back out there the right person may be waiting.
Take care Owl!
Exactly, I wondered what’s the point of even being in a relationship for 9 years if he didn’t want to get married? Another relationship book I’ve read is called “Attached” by Levine and they explain that there are people with “avoidant attachment styles” where they want connection and intimacy but at the same time fear it because of getting hurt and losing independence. My ex was like that and wasn’t able to change his thinking. Thank you for your kind and thought response and perspective. I’m going to use this time to heal myself and hopefully when I’m ready I’ll find the right person for me one day soon! I hope things work out for the best for you as well. You sound like a great person and I’m rooting for you. Take good care 💙
I have come to the conclusion that aside from rare examples, humans just are not wired to remin fully committed to one person for an entire lifespan.
And those that are, are going to be either blissful or living in misery.
@PoetByTheSea-Hi Poet! Great insight! It's just very painful to accept how emotions work. I can't speak for all men, but I'm wired to always treat situations with mind over matter and it was only when falling in love with her, it was completely matter over mind.
Otherwise, almost all decisions were made with rationalization. I would never throw away everything we've built together unless all other resources were exhausted for the sake of the kids.
What is crazy is that many friends and family in our circle are divorcees. Research says 1 out of 2 marriages divorce, 2 out of 3 for 2nd marriages, and for those who marry 3rd time 3 out of 4 fail.
Again, it could be midlife crisis where she isn't in the drive seat and this process has to take it's course. Possibly hormone issues.
Thanks again for taking the time to read about my mess.
Take care.