i changed

Hello everyone.First i want to say sorry for my langue, as it is no my native one.Hope you understand.

My story- I meet my charming, caring,manly, hard working, so great in all man tree years ago.We live far away from each other.Once he come to me, then i go to him, and so on.Then we decide we wanted to be together, and me move to him.Its really far away.I left my work, my family, my home to be with this man.It was a hard decision for me. First it was okey there, then i started to look for job, but it wasnt so easy, different langue and so on.(9!!! month i where alone there without friends in new place, new home.Almoust all days alone, becouse he worked from moring till late, sometimes weekends too).I start to miss home, him, going out.Started to miss suprize of life, a happines, a loughts and care.All days seemed the some.We wake up, i prepare breakfast, he left, i did some things at home, then we eat together again in eavning.Sometimes we did something in weekends.I started to feel alone and no needed.Depresed and with no sense of life.We started to discuss.I needed more attention and care from him, he needed more time for work.He worked home too after work, i sleept alone in bed and waited him.For me it was hard and i start to say this, but other person sayd i dont appriace and respect his work and that he do this for is to be living, eating and so on.That i dont appriace nothing.More discussions appered, i start get jelious to his work, friends, family, colegues.i shaked my heart to him, all how i feel, but he always had answer, that i m insacure, moody, jelioys.Everytime i sayd something i get two times back.There was night i cryed, he where hug me and fall a sleep, i culdnt understand how someone can fall a sleep next to me crying.I culdnt understand how someone who says me everyday that he loves me is not tru to listen me and understand, that i feel lonely, and sad, without things to do, without my own income.I feelt no undertand no matter how i speek.It get worse, i start to scream, i start to smash things, i hope he will see that my reaction means something, that i m SCREAM, but no, i start to get more, that i m need proffesional help, that i dont respect no hom, no his work, no family, becouse i didnt meet them(sorry, but i feelt uncomfortable with this people alone without him.We couldnt talk, becouse of that langue.).I tottaly start to get out if control.i started to belive that he is right, that i m jelious, imature, no respectful.i where like zombie.We keeped discuss every week , more worse and worse.Then comed day we where discuss so bad again, i put my two bags with whom i come and in next morning flyed home.In airport we even didnt kiss.Coming home i was so ashmed , so empty and heart broken.I where getting in depression and started to see pshihoterapeit.Then we started to speek in the some week , he was sorry, i was sorry.We where exchange why we feel so hurt.But everytime we shared there started discussion.i felt defensive with him now.Every word he sayd was like against me and i deffense, so we dissguss again, always.Now i m some time home, i started to work. We had plans that i will work, save money and archive my plans with what i wanted to work in that place.We always change date i will return.We put one and then , disscus, dont talk some day and again feel hurt and make new one.For now it has been like that 4 months.I think we really both of us feel hurt.i dont feel he is the some man i got in love, and he thinks the some.He thought i m no jelious, respecting and so on, he says in key moments i have shown different.I feel this person with his words has put me down till ground, i feel worthless, i feel noone can love me anymore , like i m terribe,no usefull.All the time i been living in his place i lived his life, all for him, cooking, ironing, cleabing, waiting him home, seeing hos work.just he,he,he,he.Like without my own life.Now last week we disscused again so hard, i sayd i dont need him, that i will be okey, and that we desserve better lifes.That we are just two person who is loving ilusion, the person who was dreamt, but no reall ones with their white and black.I say him not to write.But this has been not first time, and he always afrer some days writte and say he loves me, and still hope, but he is hurt and dissapointed in me.i dont understand, why, why he keep me torrtuing.Why he call me all this words, why he try to push me down and then appear saying he loves me.I dont trust him anyomre, i dont belive a word to him, but why for me is so hard to say bye for once and no respeond,why i just cant stop missing him and thinking.why i m so no loving myself.Maybe this person has shown he is the one who is love me so badly and noone better even will love me.My selfesteam is so shake.