Does she sound like a covert narcissist?
Hi:
I had been associating with a woman at my synagogue for a year who seemed like a very nice person. As I have been getting to know her.
1. She's a middle-aged woman who seems to start crying about how bad her childhood was. I have seen her start crying a few times and become the center of attention
2. She's not grandiose
3. One time she told me a couple of stories that I could really relate to. When I tried to engage, she kept telling me that she would like a chance to talk.
4. One time I was trying to talk to her about something that has been going on in my life. However, she kept interrupting me by wiping my pants off. She also criticized me, "I don't want you to feel embarrassed." I got frustrated and said, "Can I please talk?" Then she had the nerve to tell me to see a counselor.
5. The last month she has been playing games with me.
-I want to talk to you but I am going to spend time talking to this person
-I am sorry I have not responded to your birthday invitation but I have been so busy with personal problems in my own life
6. She seems to invade my personal space
-I was on my way to get something to drink at lunchtime this past weekend. She tried to give me a hug and pay me a compliment. However, I pushed her off because I decided that she was not worth my time. When I walked away, she happened to follow me and made the excuse regarding my invitation
7. She seems to lack empathy
- Whenever I let her know how I feel, she can't seem to apologize
- When she asked why I was so mad at her, I told her that I felt like she didn't seem to respect my boundaries. Her reply was, "Oh whatever," and then walked into the bathroom
8. She's interrupted me on multiple occasions
-When I tried to confront her for wiping me pants off and she didn't want to hear me. Instead, it was, "I know."
@Summershy it is very difficult to say exactly what is going on with this woman. You believed that this seemed to be a nice person with whom to interact. Beyond a doubt, you have found out that having a positive interaction with this person is not easy. This appears to be negatively affecting you, and you were right to consider personal boundaries. Much like a listener at 7 Cups, the limit of your interaction may be to lend a kind ear. The expectation that she is able to provide you with the same support doesn't appear realistic, for whatever reason. If that element in a friendship is important, best to look elsewhere. If you are willing to offer another person support, without any expectation of reciprocity, that would be kind as long as you maintain those appropriate boundaries.
Actually, I was asked to read from the Torah give a lesson, and also do the blessings over lunch.
When she stopped me in our dining area, her compliment was very patronizing. "You looked like an angel up there." However, I pushed her off and walked away. Meanwhile, I heard her say, "Why did you push me away?" Additionally, she had the nerve to follow me and also make excuses about why she couldn't respond to my birthday invite.
Anyway, when I cut things off, I noticed that she had not brought herself to apologize. Instead, her responses were
"What did I do?" When I told her that I didn't have time, she said, "Please forgive me." While I acknowledged it, I said that it wasn't the same as apologizing.
@Summershy
Covert is not the word I would use here. It seems as though maybe this person is someone you interact with often which will make it more difficult to dis-entwine if you are not willing to change how/when you interact with the wider community. Hopefully it will be possible to focus your attention on someone else. I've heard the saying that has helped me with difficult situations: 'stay in excellent communication with everyone else.' To me it seems possible this list signals you feel it might be time for that.
@lightGrapefruit5085
Thanks for the clarification about her not being a covert narcissist and I will keep that in mind. Maybe she's more of a toxic person because she definitely has the need to be right. She doesn't want to admit that she was wrong. Also, based on our text messages, she tried to manipulate me through minimization and gaslighting. However, I pretty much disarmed her.
Then she goes, "You must have the wrong person, I hardly ever talk to you. Stop texting me."
So I just grey rocked her and said "Eh...ok" and then blocked her.
@lightGrapefruit5085
Yes, I have other people at that synagogue who I can interact with.
@Summershy,
seems to me she is just a traumatized person. I base that on experiences with others.
Don't take it personal.
@Summershy
Yes I think she's a Narcisisst.
I also have a best friend who is sometimes a Narcissist, whenever we go out, it's hard for me or my other friend to put tell my story, tell my worries. The topic will always go back to her. Her problems, her anxieties. Her family, her brother.
Sometimes me and my other friend felt so bored when we go bonding with her. Cause the topic will always be hers. Her story and most of it are repeat stories. Like she can't get over the same thing over and over again. :(
I decided to cut off the relationship with her and when I let her know why. Unfortunately she didn’t want to admit what she did. Instead, she tried to manipulate me. However, I pretty much disarmed her and set boundaries. Once she realized that I wasn’t going to let her get her way , she shut me down.
“You have have me confused with someone else, leave me alone.”
So I used a tactic called grey rocking - “Eh….ok.”
Covert narcissist? No. Emotionally unavailable,l likely with avoidant dismissive attachment style due to some kind of emotional, verbal or physical abuse? Most definitely.
Covert narcissists are charming, lomb bombing.. yeah, I won't get into all of that but when you have a narcissist barrel into your life, they obliterate your sense of self and your sense of reality, identity. I really believe your lady friend has some deep wounds that she never fully healed from and may also have undiagnosed adult ADHD (some of the things you noted are clinical to ADHD).
If you really like this woman, then the both of you should seek couples therapy more for her benefit than for yours .
Love bombing I meant to say. But lomb bombing could also work considering they don't actually ever really love anybody, not even themselves. 😬
I didn’t really recognize the love bombing with her. However, she does seem to like she has the need to be right. She is also controlling. Additionally, she’s toxic.
She really isn’t that interested in me as a friend as she’s made it clear that I am at the bottom of her list. However,
I am not interested in her romantically for two reasons
- I am a straight female and I am already taken
- She’s in her 70’s and I am in my 20’s
Ah! I just read that you parted ways with her. I believe you made the right decision. You know yourself best and I think you knew long before you posted here that that relationship was toxic, covert narcissist or trauma survivor regardless.
I truly hope she decides to find help to work through whatever it is that was driving her toxic behavior.
