A guide: How to ask for consent (in relationships etc.)
hey everyone!
It is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and today, i have a guide for you on such an important topic.
Consent.
Because of our wonderful @Moana22 we have learned here (click me!) what consent is vs what is not. If you have not checked it out yet, you are not too late! Go ahead!
Now, i understand that may some of you feel unsure about how to ask for consent without "ruining the mood" or doing something wrong. We want everyone to feel comfortable.
I have written a little guide for you on how to ask for consent.
1. Ask before taking action
A resounding yes must be communicated verbally, and that means a question needs to be asked. You may have heard/think that asking for consent ruins the mood. Consent doesnt ruin the moment. Making someone feel umcomfortable and pressured, however, does.
Some questions to ask before taking action:
Can i ...?
Do you want to ...?
What do you think about doing/trying...?
2. Check-in while it is happening
May i try…?
Would you like to…?
Would this be okay?
Instead of asking if something is okay while its already being done, youre suggesting the idea first and asking for permission to do it.
You can also form the question into a statement first and wait for the other person s answer.
I really want to… (what do you think about this?)
If they say no, you have your answer. But if they do not say anything, don t do it. Silence does not mean a yes. Only a yes is an approved sign for you to do it.
3. Do they feel comfortable?
It is important to let the other person know that you do not want to make them feel uncomfortable and that you will respect their boundaries anytime.
Questions to ask yourself:
Do they know you respect them?
Do they know you would not be mad if they change their mind?
What is also important, is to make sure the other person is not under any drug/alcohol influence.
However, being under drug/alcohol influence does not always mean it is nonconsensual. But it does become harder for the person to communicate, understand what is happening etc.
Things to ask yourself:
Can this person communicate clearly?
Are they coherent?
Are they sober enough to know fully what is going on?
And of course, ask for consent.
4. Respect the answer
We all understand that getting rejected is not a quite cool feeling at all - but do not try to change the other person s mind: they gave you an answer. They trust you and opened up to you.
No means no.
I don t want to means no.
Stop means no.
I dont know means no.
I am not ready means no.
Easily said, anything besides yes means no.
5. Body Language
I understand that reading body language is not something each of us can be an expert in.
But if someone says yes first, they can still change their mind and start feeling uncomfortable "out of a sudden.
If someone is physically resisting (for example, pushing you away, trying not to move), or hesitating (not excited, not paying attention to you, or looking away), it might be time to ask for consent again.
Examples:
Are you okay?
Do you want to stop/try something else?
Are you feeling uncomfortable?
These are the main points I have summarized. If you have any other examples or tips on how to ask for consent, feel free to share.
Love, Avery
tagging some peeps to raise awareness: @ASilentObserver @Kate @IsenTropic @Imogene @BrooklynM @peppermintlove @Yendi @ArwaS @freshMelon54 @LivieGrace @AlexanderReed @FighterPhoenix2 @flanunu
@AveryLove
Absolutely love this post! <3
@AveryLove Hey Avery, awesome post! Consent can certainly be vague and intepreted in many ways. Open communication is key! You covered your points well with great examples. Well done, and keep up the amazing work here. :)
@lovelyWhisper66 thanks so much Whisper! Glad to like it!
Really great post, thank you for sharing! 
This is all super important and I think sharing it more will be really helpful.
@AveryLove
@LittlebluP thanks blu!
@AveryLove
Omg Avery! This post is amazing. Thank you so much for adding my post as well! You explained it so well and simply. I have read about this but seriously it hadn't been as clear. I absolutely love this!! ❤
@AveryLove
Any tips on asking for a request for consent? In other words, how can we convey that we want to be asked to consent instead of it always being assumed in a relationship? The only thing I learned is to be careful bringing it up in-the-moment.
@peacefulforest75
I really like your question and think it's super important! What I have realized is that consent shouldn't be asked from the person who seeks to be asked for consent. In a relationship, proper communication thus, is the key. It can be hard bringing it up, and I'm really glad you highlighted that!
The best way however is to let your partner or a friend know that sometimes you'd rather wish they ask for consent. You can politely say "No" if you want to. You can also add "maybe next time.?" These do give a sign that you're not ready for that certain activity to happen yet. There are many cases when you might be afraid, but making your needs in a relationship clear, is important.
Maybe try saying, "Hey the other day we did thing A and I think it was quite soon. Do you think we can discuss things before giving it a go?"
We're here for you! ❤ I hope this helps but this is just a suggestion. :D