Am I toxic, or am I reacting to feeling unprioritized in my relationship?

Hi everyone. I really need honest advice because I’m emotionally exhausted and confused, and I no longer trust my own reactions.

I’ve been in a relationship for over a year. In the beginning, my boyfriend was very caring, reassuring, communicative, and emotionally available. He made me feel like a priority, which mattered a lot because I have trauma from a past relationship where I was emotionally neglected and lied to.

Over time, he started pulling back — fewer updates, less reassurance, more inconsistency. When I felt this change, I became anxious and started bringing it up. I’ll be honest: some of my concerns were valid, but some fights were over small things too. I cried, panicked, overexplained, and asked for reassurance repeatedly.

Now I feel a lot of guilt.
I feel like his withdrawal triggered my anxiety, and my anxiety triggered more fights, which made him emotionally shut down. He says he feels controlled and suffocated by me, and I worry that my reactions pushed him into becoming emotionally distant.

At the same time, I didn’t start reacting out of nowhere — I was responding to feeling unprioritized, unheard, and insecure.

A major trigger is his closeness with a female best friend. He admitted he once had feelings for her. Even after being in a relationship with me for over a year, he hid our relationship from her because he was afraid their closeness would change. I never asked him to remove her from his life — I only asked for honesty and transparency. He keeps saying he needs more time. Meanwhile, he says he’s distancing himself from her “for our relationship,” which makes me uncomfortable because I never wanted to be responsible for changing or breaking a friendship.

There are also strong double standards.
He believes he can make friends (including female friends), go out, drink, and socialize freely — but when I say I want the same freedom, he gets defensive and says things like “men and women are different” or that I’m changing only because he is. I’ve been restricted most of my life and never had much freedom, yet I’m expected to adjust while he doesn’t.

When I question these imbalances, I’m called controlling or overreacting. But I’m certain that if I did even half of what he does, he would be much angrier than I am — and he wouldn’t explain himself the way I do.

Other issues:

• He asks to see my phone or screen-share but gets angry if I say no

• He doesn’t like me discussing relationship issues with friends

• He has blocked me during conflicts out of anger

• He cuts calls during arguments but expects me to pick up immediately

• He dismisses my hurt as “overreacting” or “not understanding jokes”

Recently, he made comments about my hygiene and body that hurt me deeply. When I reacted, he said I was too sensitive. He apologized later, but I realized he had blocked me during the conflict, which made me feel emotionally unsafe.

Now I feel trapped:

• If I speak up, I’m “toxic”

• If I stay quiet, my pain builds up

• If I take space, I feel guilty

• If I ask for reassurance, I feel ashamed

He says he’s under financial and emotional stress, and I feel guilty bringing up my pain — but I also feel like my emotions no longer matter.