Down in the dumps
Hi there. I don't know what to do. I'm a married man with 3 beautiful children, and have been with my wife for sixteen years. We are constantly fighting and it seems I can never do anything right. I am fully committed to my family, as in being involved with the children everyday and night and providing all I can. The main issue is that, 8 years ago, I told her about a short fling I had while being based overseas. Nothing sexual, just a kiss and messages after. I also become overly flirtatious when drinking, and give out the wrong message to other women which causes issues as well. There have also been issues with violence, which I cannot regret enough. I have been trying so hard for so long to convince my wife of my full commitment, to make positive changes, and to put her at ease but my attempts usually fail. Any steps I take never seem to be enough. My patience subsides after listening to her talk at me and we end up fighting. I shut down and do not know what to say which causes fights. I have to be on edge all of the time as any word, gesture, memory, action, inaction or behaviour could cause tense moments, where I didn't take the right action to reassure her. I really don't know what to do, and don't want to cause any problems for our young children
@LJTT
That's a difficult spot to be in. You don't say if you have sought out counseling of any kind, either alone or as a couple. When you say "I have to be on edge" and that anything you do or say (or don't do or say) can cause her to erupt and the fighting starts, well, that indicates a great deal of unresolved anger and hurt and pain in there somewhere. It has to come out in order to be addressed and healed. It will keep showing up until you do. Humans are wired for connection, and when there is damage to that connection, we suffer.
Speaking of suffering, I know that you don't want to cause problems for your children, but they know there's something wrong between you and their mother. Kids always know. They just pick up on the tension and anger, and it makes them feel uneasy or scared.
I hope you can find someone in your life, offline, that you can talk to about this, as well.
I read your situation and it reminds me of what I am dealing with. I have been married for 17 years. My husband went to a party with some of his shipmates in A school, 3 months after we got married. He didn't remember sleeping with the girl at the party becausehe was drunk. She however took pictures and video of the event and a few months later sent them to me via fb. I asked my husband about it with holding the pictures and such. Long story short he lied and denied. When I finally provided my proof he still maintained that he didn't remember it. He did apologize and after a while I was not so much mad he cheated as I was about him having then been raped. I asked him to press charges on her then. He refused. With a big thing about how humiliating it would be and that it would ruin his military career. So I chose to believe him. Even held his hand as he struggled to overcome it. But there are still days even now. Lingering doubts that he cheated and lied to me and that I'm a stupid fool for believing him. This Lingering doubt steams from catching him in lies throughout our marriage. Nothing like cheating (that I know of). But about smoking pot back when it was illegal. Or giving money away we didn't have and saying he lost it. Still with every small lie or now precieved lie I find myself quick to anger. Now I could be wrong. He could be perfectly innocent and not doing a damn thing wrong. Still due to my condition my mind has adapted to accept that everything is a lie until he can prove to me its not. I hate myself for being this way. But it's like a shield I wrap around my heart so that when I catch him in another lie it won't hurt so much because at least now I see it coming. I want to trust him. I do. I don't like to be angry or scared. Mostly scared because have no feeling of security in my relationship. Nor do I have any safety net. I often times wish he'd leave me. So I can stop panicking about what I can't control. Plus it would give him a chance to be happier and start over with someone less jaded then I have become. I know I'm not healthy and that is not easy for either of us. I have asked for divorce only to be told to try therapy again and again. Which here I am. In a group therapy site hoping for some resolution or something to try to fix it. Your wife might or might not feel very secure. Her faith is shaken and will have to be rebuilt. It's a hard road to go. 17 years of my life. 3 kids. He's sadly my only real friend. This is my fortune my family. It's all I have. So here I am trying to find a better solution. My advice sir. Let your wife know you love her and only her romantically every chance you get. Small things and gestures mean so much. Wild flowers. A meal. A simple "you know you look so beautiful." Or a random hug and I love you. These things are like concrete that soilidfy the foundation of security and worth. Build her up. Make her believe you love her with proof she can see and feel. Best of luck. I really hope you are successful in your endeavors.