E-Dudes Imperfect and Severely Abridged Guide to Love and Romance

There is no such thing as luck, good or bad. The world is what you choose to make of it, and what you choose to take from it. You are the author of your story, the master of your own destiny. Remember that!

Ah! Cupids arrow has struck. Your heart has swelled. It goes pitter, patter, pitter matter. You are smitten! You ache to say how you feel, you yearn to hold another in your arms, to plant a smooch upon their ruby lips, and to be smooched in return.

In short, youre in love…but what exactly does that mean? And what do you do when that ache, that feeling, is not returned? A thousand poets, bards, songsmiths, plays, novels, movies—from Cyrano to Shakespeare, from Billie Holiday to Selena Gomez, in highbrow literature, in bubblegum pop, in jazz and blues, in silly romantic comedies—have attempted to answer this question since time immemorial.

Theres a reason why the poets of all ages continue to make finding love—and lack of it—the penultimate theme of human existence: because all of us, you me, everyone, has struggled with love, wanting it, lacking it, needing it. So friend, if you feel hopeless, confused, or sad about love, you are not alone!

So, friends, if my trifling efforts to answer these questions here fall far short of the eternal poets, I humbly beg your pardon.

I dare to suggest however, that our answers to these questions matter not so much as our willingness to grapple with them.

Well, so goes my cop out anyway.

Lets start our impossible task by attempting to define what it is were talking about, namely love.

The different kinds of love:

How shall I love thee, let me count the ways?

--Elizabeth Barrett Browning 1806-1861

When most of us think of love, we think of my description at the beginning of this guide: the kind that makes us make goo goo eyes and stammer awkwardly as we try to think of something—anything—to say to impress the object of our desire. Thats romantic love, and while romantic love will be the primary subject of this treatise, there are other kinds of love, many kinds in fact. And discussing them helps us to better understand romantic love, and LOVE as a whole.

So, without further ado, here are some other definitions of love (this list is not definitive or exhaustive):

Expressions of love between people:

Plantonic love—the love shared by close friends.

Philos—brotherly (or sisterly) love that we share with family.

Eros—Sigmund Freuds definition of romantic love, heavily defined by sex and sexuality.

Altruism—love for humanity

Behavioral psychologists described love as attachment to a desired object. Chinese Taoism describes love as harmony and non-attachment. Evolutionary biologists equate love with lust and pair-bonding, reducing all of our grand artifices to a few neurochemicals like oxytocisn.

The so-named, and broadly defined categories represent a very abbreviated list, and reflects a Western cultural bias. I provide it only to illustrate that love takes many forms and definitions. Different cultures, religions, ethnic groups have defined and re-defined love very differently. Like a ceaseless flowing river, these definitions are constantly in flux, dynamic and ever-changing—which only adds to the beauty, complexity and durability of this thing we call love.

Love can also be felt and expressed for abstract, intangible, non-human entities, i.e. nature, the universe, love of learning, knowledge, and the things that ignite our drive, provision our lives with meaning, and fulfill our dreams.

This inadequate guide is a guide to those of us (all of us) who at some point feel inadequate on matters romantic. I hope here to pick apart the platitudes, the pop culture wisdom, the idiotic idioms and corny clichés.

This is not, however, a guide to score, to get a date, to go all the way, to find The One, or any other euphemism you can conjure for seeking sex and romance. Nor is this a guide to sorting out matters of gender, sex and sexuality. Unfortunately that (very important) topic is too complicated a subject for the scope of this essay. Sorry!

And speaking of sexual orientation and gender identity, I have tried to be sensitive and use gender-neutral language. If I have made any missteps in this effort, accept my sincere apologies. I have nothing but love and respect for my friends in the LGBTQ community.

So what are E-dudes credentials?

What makes me an expert on the subject of love and romance? Nothing. No friends, I do not have a degree in loveology. Im not a sage or a guru. I dont have all the answers, just lots of questions. Nor am I a perfectly centered, self-aware, saintly centaur. Im just a regular dude whos done a bit of living, sometimes hard living. And just like everyone else, Ive felt miserable, alone, unwanted. Ive been burned. Ive yearned, and yes Ive even broken a few hearts. Ive been in relationships that Ive screwed up. Ive been in relationships that were screwed up. And Ive also been in relationships that were loving, that worked. It doesnt mean I still dont have a lot to learn, but I have learned much over the years—especially from my mistakes. It would be an honor to share with you a few of those things Ive learned over the years…if you dont mind.

As with other guides I have submitted here, the main intension of thisun is to help you love, respect and accept yourself, to build your confidence, to show you how beautiful you are—because you are—in case you werent sure. I mean it. You are.

Read on if youre hurting, and you want to turn your heartache into hope!

Love versus Romance

Love and romance are related, but different. Love (and attraction) is the foundation of romance as well as many other kinds of relationships (see below). It is always giving, selfless, makes no demands, flows in a single direction—away from the center. It prioritizes the happiness of the other, and of all things. It lets go rather than holding on.

Stable, thriving romantic relationships are somewhat more diverse and complex. Some aspects of romantic relationships may include: shared values, mutual trust, sexual attraction (but not necessarily sexual behavior), give and take, acceptance of each others faults and imperfections, forgiveness, and, most importantly, love.

However relationships—romantic and otherwise—involve a balance between meeting our own needs and prioritizing the happiness of another. Selfless love is not the same thing as allowing yourself to be controlled or dominated in order to meet the needs of your partner, and none of yours. Relationships with the qualities I just described are one-sided. They bear the ominous signs of narcissism and abuse.

Love and Self Sacrifice

Collectivist cultures place a high value on sacrificing individuals needs to the needs of the group, to those of higher rank and status, to a set of ideals. People raised in these cultures share a common purpose and the solidarity of many others who share the same values. In individualistic (Westernized) cultures, personal freedom of choice and autonomy is the higher value. In these cultures, self-sacrifice must be voluntary in order to be meaningful, in order to be considered a higher act of love.

Self-sacrifice can be the ultimate expression of love for someone or for the good of humanity, but self-sacrifice is a conscious decision, the highest realization of your values. To count as an act of love, self-sacrifice must be freely given (not under duress), and must be absolutely necessary to preserve the life or health of another person. It must be a reaction to a crisis—not to the ordinary ups and downs of daily life. It is a rare and very special act.

Sacrificing your body, mind or sanity every day to meet the needs of other people in ordinary, non-emergency situations is a sign of low self-esteem that needs to be addressed so that you can have a fulfilling, egalitarian relationships, and inner peace.

And now, it is time to shift gears to something more concrete:

To make things easier, Im going to answer some questions and assumptions that I have heard over the years:

Should we be friends first?

Some romantic relationships begin and end as strong friendships. Others begin as intense attraction. Whether you start as friends first or friends later, friendship is usually a fundamental component of healthy romantic relationships. Think about what you share with your friends: good conversation, mutual respect, shared interests, shared values, having fun together. Can you imagine a healthy romantic relationship without these things?

If we arent together forever, then its all a waste of time, totally meaningless.

Its okay to feel that way. Emote! Let it out. But heres something to think about when youre feeling a little better, my friend:

When we see relationships as fixed and unchanging, as meant to be we often overlook what is happening in the moment. Letting go of illusions and fantasies prepares us to accept reality. So does seeing life as complicated and nuanced, and not something absolutely good or bad, right or wrong. Forever is a long time. What can you think of that lasts forever? The mountains will eventually be gone, the city you live in, the planet you live on—all will be gone eventually. Love and life are fey fleeting. Enjoy them now. Savor every moment. Dont waste time. Every relationship Ive been in until now, has ended, but that doesnt make them all meaningless. Any experience that causes you to learn, to grow, to feel, to change is a gift. Dont throw away the gifts youve been given, just because they didnt end up the way youd hoped.

Is it wrong to have a fling?

Relationships take many forms, and some people, at some point in their life journey decide they would like to pursue a temporary, short-term romance. Some people prefer this type of relationship to any other. The main thing to remember is that what makes a relationship right or wrong isnt the type of relationship youre in, but how you go about it. If the other person is also okay with a fling, then fling on! If they are not aware thats what you want, or they arent sure, beware of exhibiting behavior that could be interpreted as leading someone on, or being manipulative of the other persons feelings. Playing games with people will hurt them, and diminish your integrity.

My partner is much older/younger than me. Will it work?

That depends on many factors, including your culture, and what your friends and family think. Generally speaking, from my experience, the older the age of both parties, and the smaller the gap in their ages, the easier it is to be accepted. However some people may never accept the relationship. There are many pejorative terms for men and women who engage in this type of relationship, so be careful, and be confident, and enter into it without expectations because sometimes it works out, and sometimes not. The same could be said for most other relationships too, but it rings especially true here. But maybe you both feel you dont want, need, or care about others approval. Thats cool. However, be aware that the legal age of consent and the age that a person is considered an adult varies from state to state, and country to country. If you are the older party, and you violate the laws of the land regarding the legal age of your partner, you are heading for a world of very serious trouble. In my opinion, friends first and proceed with caution are the watchwords for this kind of relationship.

I just want someone to complete me, to make me feel whole.

One thing is certain: until you know what you want and why you want it, youll have a difficult time getting it.

We cant save anyone from themselves or be saved by anyone else. We only have the power to save ourselves, and they only have the power to save themselves.

No one can complete us, nor we another. Love already is complete, whole, and perfect—and so are those who give and receive it, and so are YOU.

But until you feel this truth—not just know it—but truly feel it, deep down to the marrow of your bones, you will never, ever be satisfied in love or with love.

What are you actually seeking from the other person?

Self-acceptance? Sex? Status? Reflect. Be honest. With yourself at least. Some people want a relationship at least in part because being socially and romantically connected to someone who is gorgeous, handsome, wealthy or famous makes them feel good, and increasing their social standing with others. Others want to be in a relationship with another in order to prove to themselves that they are worthy, lovable people. Others feel their life crashing and want to be saved by someone, or see someone else whose life is in freefall, and want to save them.

Im lonely. I need to be in a relationship so Im not alone.

Are you lonely? Love can help with that, but love is more than a lifeboat to escape the sinking ship of loneliness or lack of belonging. Being in a relationship is not the same thing as being in a fulfilling relationship. In my experience (I mean, in my own personal experience) the kind of relationship people settle for to avoid being alone can end up being more lonely than being alone in the first place.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not a state of being. Some people are introverts, and spend a great deal of time alone and feel happy. Others are surrounded by friends, but still feel alone. Find out what you can do, what lies within your power to feel less alone. Trusting a single relationship to resolve these feelings is risky endeavor, and it places all the power of your potential happiness in someone elses hands.

What is the difference between love and lust?

Lust is sometimes used as a pejorative term for healthy, normal—but powerful—sexual attraction. Often times adolescents (and often adults too) with raging hormones cannot distinguish between love and lust—especially since the two are often intertwined. This is a normal part of the development process of all human beings, in every culture. Our youth is a time to figure things out, to explore and better understand who we are, to experience love and relationships through trial and error. Dont expect to have everything worked out.

A good test to figure out the difference between love and lust is this: are you just as exited to do other things with your partner that do not involve sex? To spent non-sexual time with them, alone, without your friends around? Do you have a lot to talk about? Do you have a lot in common? If the answer is always no, it might just be lust. But understand that being sexually attracted to someone without wanting a relationship with them isnt bad or wrong. Feelings and emotions are not wrong. Its how we choose to act upon our feelings, and how we consider the feelings of others that defines us.

If no one loves me back, it means Im unlovable. I want them. Why dont they want me?

Love always gives away more than it takes. Dont ask yourself what you want, but what you have to offer another person, and how that fits in with their life and happiness. One quality of true love is that it lets go; it doesnt cling. It offers. It doesnt demand.

If you feel that the one you love doesnt love you, think about whether you love yourself. Do you? Knowing, accepting, and loving yourself are necessary before you can accept or share in the love of another. No one has everything worked out before starting a relationship, and we all have baggage, but doing our best to accept and love ourselves, clears the way and prepares us to accept the love of others in a way that nothing else can.

The most attractive quality one can have is on the inside: happiness. Those who are happy project that energy and attract happy people to themselves. Sadness, loneliness begets more of the same kind of energy.

If you have not found love, be patient. Take heart. Love will find you.

Does having chemistry with someone automatically mean theyre right for me?

Short answer: not necessarily. What we call chemistry is that feeling we have when we click with someone right away, when we feel an instantaneous bond or connection. Sometimes we feel that connection with friends, sometimes with people we fall in love with. But whether or not chemistry leads to a relationship depends on more than the strong feelings you have. In addition to that sense of connection, relationships rely on some practical, somewhat un-sexy life circumstances, like having shared values and beliefs, a similar vision of a future together.

I texted them a heart and two smiley faces, but they texted me back a frowny face, or did not text me back at all. What now?

It can be difficult to understand what someone is thinking by attempting to interpret their texts and emoticons. At times there is no substitute for face to face communication, voice, and body language. If your intended partner refuses you that…it may be a sign that they are not really invested in or mature enough to have a relationship.

There is a lot I dont like about them, but if I try hard enough I can change for them, or I can change them to be the person I want them to be.

Some of us are attracted to fixer-upper relationships, deriving a sense of satisfaction from rescuing and trying to fix people who seem to be hurting and in distress. But this kind of love is circular: more misery creates the illusion of greater closeness, and happiness and contentment are publicly sought after but secretly abhorred—because real happiness would defeat the point of the relationship.

You can only be the change and live the change you wish for. There are many ways to influence and positively impact someones life: being a friend, parent, teacher, mentor—but even with these roles, the impacts we make on others lives are like gentle ripples in a pond. We cannot sculpt another human being—or their personality—to fit our own image or expectations. Nor should we try to, ever.

S/he hits me and calls me names, but I know s/he really loves me, and if I just try harder, they will stop hurting me.

No. Wrong. Love is based on mutual respect, and kindness. Hitting, yelling, and name-calling are not kind. We all lose our cool sometimes. We fight. But do not allow anyone—not a friend, stranger, lover, boss, teacher, or anyone else—to keep hurting and degrading you. You are worth much more than that. When someone hits you it is all their fault, never yours. It is up to you to decide how you want to address those disturbing behaviors in a partner, but without their serious commitment to making radical changes to be a better, kinder partner, their apologies are empty.

The sacrifices you make to remain in a relationship with someone who hurts you (and is unwilling or unable to change) are self-destructive, unnecessary, and pointless. You deserve better. Youre worth it. You can find someone to be with who doesnt just say they love you, but shows it with their kindness and respect for you every day. Not being in any romantic relationship is always better than being in an abusive one. There is someone out there who will both love and respect you—even if you havent found them yet.

What if I never find The One? How will I know that Ive found The One?

Some people romanticize the concept of soul mates, the idea that just one, perfect person exists in the world that is the only right one. That works for some people. For others, it doesnt. An alternative idea is that there can be many right people out there, people with whom you fit like hand in glove. What makes them right is complex: chemistry, the right time and place in your life, availability. All of these stars aligning add up not to The One, but one of many possibilities. Life is full of possibilities, no less so with love. Isnt that great?

If I just keep texting/calling/following them they will eventually love me back. I just have to try harder to convince them that Im the one, and this is meant to be.

In matters of the heart, persistence sometimes does not pay.

Pushing, demanding, and trying to force something to happen can evolve into stalking or other ugly things if were not careful.

What is taken by force, harassment, intimidation, manipulation, or bullying is not love. Wanting to be with someone because you feel you have a right to be with them, or because you feel that they or the world owes it to you…that is not love. Its fear, anger, sadness. Stop, think, re-evaluate. Seek help if you are suffering. Hurting others will not make your pain go away.

If someone is not responding to you, there may be all kinds of reasons why or why not. The best you can do is accept it and move on. The more you think about it, the worse youll feel. Its not fair, it doesnt feel good, but it happens to all of us.

Rejection is normal, common, and happens to every one of us. Its happened to old E-dude many times. Its the rule, not the exception, not just in love but in all things. Yes, it hurts. However, it is not the act of being rejected that defines us, but our reaction to it.

I have loved and lost and cannot love again.

Love would be cheap and meaningless, if the end of the relationship didnt hurt. Celebrate what was, mourn for what isnt, and smile for what will be. Life has many strange twists and turns. When one door closes, others open. You can, you will find love again, if its what you want.

I think theyre secretly cheating/in love with someone else.

Find out all you can. Have a heart to heart talk with your partner, and follow your heart, your gut instincts. Its nearly impossible to determine whether someones telling the truth at all times. Sometimes in order to move forward with our lives, we need to make a decision without knowing all the facts. When that happens, return to basics: assuming the worst, if they did cheat, can I forgive them? Do I want to? What would give me the most peace, staying in this relationship or starting over? Those are difficult questions to ask, and take time and soul-searching to properly answer. But asking these questions rather than running away from them will give you a head start to finding peace.

And of course, Im so sorry to do this friends, but I cant close this guide without adding links to a few of my favorite love songs—just for kicks. Here you. Im laying it on the line. Ha, ha, ha, what a dork E-dude is. Uh huh, laugh it up! Make fun of me to your hearts content, I can take it. Enjoy! And may you feel loved today and always.

The Magnetic Fields - The Death Of Ferdinand De Saussure

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAkYGV2Ymdc

Chad & Jeremy-A Summer Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfvL2oLeBYs

Bob Dylan - Shelter From the Storm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZQR-o4nO1E

Strange Powers- The Magnetic Fields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ThZ7mnOLEQ

Tavares - More Than A Woman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI3YcjKBhQQ

John Lennon - Oh Yoko!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlfeyeMFiYA

Tegan and Sara - I Was A Fool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZHGeg_0Rlo

I won't be left-Tegan and Sara

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZBG3MUgDbY

The Mamas & the Papas-Look Through My Window

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrSIfO5AQHc