Going through this life on my own made me cold as a stone.

I understand exactly how you feel. I waited for that one girl to like me all through school, and just when I thought she was coming around, it wad only top tell me she was pregnant with some other guys baby, and that crushed me and I gave up the search for a girlfriend. Maybe a year later I met this woman, and we have been together for 12 years now. Even after getting a girlfriend and whatever, I've still got my walls built up so high that not even she can break through them. It's been tough to love someone else while being depressed and feeling unable to provide for her needs, but she understands, and we work through it.

Hello, I feel I can relate to you. I got myself into some awkward situations because any man that was good looking and showed interest, even gentle flirting, I would get very interested in and then get emotionally distraught and depressed when I would find out he wasn't in to me. My mom and sister and friends never had this problem and would tell me that bs line of "oh, you'll find someone!". Yeah, ok, how about they step into my shoes and not have ANYONE interested. Just an example but, I thought this barista and me were hitting it off pretty well and I thought we were flirting, I even took my sister to confirm if he was flirting with me and she confirmed he was. So, I take the initiative and ask him for his number and if he'd like to hang out. He gets very awkward and gives me his Facebook page and after that, nothing. I see him with this beautiful, super model looking girl weeks later and suddenly he's in a relationship. Then, my supposed best friend makes me feel like a pile of crap about the situation and how I approached it and said basically " in no way shape or form would she EVER think that one of her customers at her job would be a date able person even if she was intentionally flirting with them.". She basically told me I was out of line and that it was my fault for thinking anything could have ever happened. Well, mind you, this is the girl that cheated on significant others many times because she had so many men coming through and thought she was hot stuff. I don't know how she's doing now and, frankly, I don't care.
Anyway, those are the type of situations that I end up encountering with trying to date. I've become incredibly jaded and don't believe anyone when they say I look pretty or I'm a catch or someone will come along. I'm in a relationship now with someone who is so much more stable than me and doesn't have many walls around him and he continually tells me that I shouldn't have such low self esteem and that I need to trust him more. I always think he is going to find someone better, more attractive, etc because that is what all the people have done before when I tried to romantically pursue them(mostly friendship wise too)
I saw your post and wanted to share. The hurt that happened to me from all those situations still lingers in the back of my mind and affects my relationships now. The more I have my current relationships support, though, and the more he shows me how much he likes me for me, it seems that my walls are slowly coming down. Now, I can't ever see them being abolished but, they are coming down. So, being with the right person has alot to do with healing. I also know that it is harder for men in the relationship world. Women are so mean and particular, more than I've ever encountered with most men. Women, I've noticed, are quicker to use to get what they want and most times finds one thing wrong and it's a done deal. It's ridiculous. Ever see the movie Hitch? Yeah, that's what I've encountered with my fellow gender. It's sad and, unfortunately, you are dealing with this. I'm so sorry, my friend, I really hope that your journey ends up in happiness. I can't offer you how to get there but, I know when it does and you are with the right person, the walls can come down to a good degree.