How do I fix this?
I've been in a closed and long distance relationship with this decent guy who I know from family friends. We've spend good 6.5 years in love and are planning to get married soon.
We were both very reserved at the beginning but always shared everything with each other. We both never had a big circle of friends. But now recently, i saw many females in his friends list on social media and asked him as to why he didn't tell me about them. He replied saying they're not so important that he tells me about them. But I feel like if he has added them then they must be somewhat more than just acquaintance. And when I asked him, he feels like I don't trust him. He has asked me to be more trusting.
Although I trust him completely but it is disturbing that there are females in contact with him whom I don't know about. So how do I clean this mind mess?
@ambitiousstrugglingsoul Hello, welcome to Relationship and friendship Support Community! I am glad that you have reached out to here.
I understand you, and your feelings are totally valid here! It is very natural to think like that and also I understand you trust him totally, so do you think you can empathise him with your words and can reach out to a mutual understanding? What do you think about it?
@CommunityModAlex
Yes, you're right. But can you be more specific. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him. Glad about you responding.
@ambitiousstrugglingsoul
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
We were both very reserved at the beginning but always shared everything with each other. We both never had a big circle of friends. But now recently, i saw many females in his friends list on social media and asked him as to why he didn't tell me about them. (This a sign you might have felt threaten, fear of abandon and separation anxiety when you saw those females in his friend list. I do get the impression you probably tried to get reassurance that everything was okay?) He replied saying they're not so important that he tells me about them. (This is not a good response from him because its coming across as him getting defensive and trying to use logic here, so his response will make you feel anxious and disconnected) But I feel like if he has added them then they must be somewhat more than just acquaintance. And when I asked him, he feels like I don't trust him. (I can understand if your question caught him by surprise, but he is making this conversation all about him. I do think he doesn't have emotional attunement, so if he perceives you might have anxiety, then he will get defensive because he doesn't know how to communicate when emotions and anxiety are involved. This is a red flag because he has communication issues) He has asked me to be more trusting. (This is not the way to go...You basically felt anxious and needed to know what was going on, but he made it all about himself and then blame you for everything. This behavior will cause disconnection and will affect the safety in sharing feelings and emotions)
@freshLight64
I'm doing good.. just a bit stressed out. Hope you're doing good too!
Thanks for responding and understanding me so well! I'm glad you got my point.
The thing is I don't want him to feel as if I don't trust him because I know that I trust him a lot. I just got a bit disturbed of that occurrence which was unusual to me. He thinks I don't trust him and will have problem with every female he encounters which is wrong of him to think that way. So please, can you suggest how I calm down and process things between us?
Thanks a ton!
@ambitiousstrugglingsoul
I think theres a chance you saw something that didn't look right, which is understandable. He definetly was very dismissive about how you felt, and made you feel like feeling the way you did was your fault. He is mostly focused on how he felt, and this will create tons of communication issues from his side. One of the main reasons you feel anxious and nervous was because of the way he handled everything. Communication should be about emotional attunement, understanding and having the ability to reduce the level of anxiety of the other person. He unforunetly didn't do any of this, however you have every right to feel the way you do. You didn't do or say anything wrong, it was his fault for the way he handled things.