How to Support My Boyfriend and His Persistent Bad Thoughts
I guess context for this is really important, so Ill try my best to keep is brief but complete.
My boyfriend looked through my social media profiles and saw my older posts with my ex. Since then hes been getting worried and has even asked me to take them down, to which I have willingly complied, but it doesnt erase the fact that he saw them. I, personally, didnt bother looking through all my older posts because I forgot about it, just wanted to focus on my boyfriend now.
So now, he gets all these thoughts about me and my ex. He describes these thoughts as very vivid, and Im not exactly sure what theyre about cause he really doesnt like talking about it anymore. He doesnt like having to repeat himself about this, but what he does tell me from time to time is that he isnt worried or scared. He just is bothered that he isnt my first and that my past relationship happened.
I dont know what more to tell him. Ive comforted him, telling him that what happened before doesnt matter to me, that its nothing, and that I practically consider him my first because weve done so much more together and cause I really feel genuine, sincere love with him. Ive also told him that hes so much better than my ex.
He wants to hear something new from me now, but I cant seem to find anything new to say. Ive told him so much about what I think about it already. Any thoughts on what may help? What can I say?
@gentleJet4512
Fact is, he isn't your first. However if he chooses to cherish and value what you share, chooses to make your relationship about more than some race where getting there first is all that matters, he may well be your last and only. That in itself is more precious than a failed first or a first few who couldn't hold on to something precious because they didn't know how to value it! :)
@0m Hi! Thank you for your response, really. However, I dont want to have to tell my boyfriend to just stop thinking his thoughts. I want to reassure him but I want to do it without seemingly disregarding his feelings or the like... Any tips? I mean, I also believe that if he just stopped dwelling on such thoughts then all would get better, but he just keeps telling me that its not him who chooses to think these thoughts, they just sort of happen...
@gentleJet4512
Was this new information to him? Had he never known about the ex before he found the posts? That can be really difficult for people to come to terms with.
@0m
It wasn
@gentleJet4512
In that case there should be no reason for the shock! Rather he should appreciate that you didn't go about deleting all evidence of your past from him. It sounds like you're doing and saying all the right things. Are you his first relationship? Is he finding this hard to process because he can't imagine having been in love and then out of it?
@0m
well said
@0m Yeah, I
@gentleJet4512
If you're his first love, first relationship, first everything then that makes sense to some extent about why he feels so insecure. You were in love with someone else and stopped loving them. From his current standpoint, to be in love is a forever thing and it can be difficult to comprehend falling out of love. Perhaps the posts he saw reflected some depth of emotion or the level of intimacy and that got him thinking about how things can be temporary instead of a "forever". I guess rather than avoiding the subject, it might help to discuss with him how relationships need mutual trust, respect and the ability to understand each other. Just love or chemistry isn't enough! Understanding what made that previous relationship fail might help him cross that bridge of fear to a place where he can rather focus his energy into making this work. Good luck!
@0m Thank you so much!!
@0m
Hi, my bf has a best friend who was his ex. what to do about it.? she was his first and i feel the same way like gentleJet does. I have talked about it but he doesnt seems to understand my situation at this point.
@gentleJet4512
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
My boyfriend looked through my social media profiles and saw my older posts with my ex. (I feel this is coming across as obsessive, its like he is trying to look for something to calm his anxiety) Since then hes been getting worried and has even asked me to take them down, (This is not a good sign...he is showing some signs of manipulative and controlling behaviors. He has zero right to ask you to take down a picture, this all comes from his insecurities) to which I have willingly complied, but it doesnt erase the fact that he saw them. I, personally, didnt bother looking through all my older posts because I forgot about it, just wanted to focus on my boyfriend now. (Its understandable, it was a past relationship which you have heal and moved on, so it was normal you didn't bother looking through your older post.)
So now, he gets all these thoughts about me and my ex. He describes these thoughts as very vivid, and Im not exactly sure what theyre about cause he really doesnt like talking about it anymore. (I have seen this kind of behavior often, it was never about the pictures or your ex, its all about him not feeling good enough and worthy enough. He has a lot of insecurities, and this will cause arguments, issues and a lot of hardships) He doesnt like having to repeat himself about this, but what he does tell me from time to time is that he isnt worried or scared. (He is minimizing how he feels and what he thinks out of shame, because showing how he truly feels probably means being laugh at or being punished. He is worried, scared and feeling not good enough, however this is something he really needs to adress because it will make him sabotage this relationship) He just is bothered that he isnt my first and that my past relationship happened.
I dont know what more to tell him. Ive comforted him, telling him that what happened before doesnt matter to me, that its nothing, and that I practically consider him my first because weve done so much more together and cause I really feel genuine, sincere love with him. Ive also told him that hes so much better than my ex. (I feel like you did great with everything you told him, it shows you are comforting and soothing with everything you say. The problem is him and how he was raised.)
He wants to hear something new from me now, but I cant seem to find anything new to say. (We all have our own insecurities and struggles in life, but it can't be where they are playing a major role in the relationship. He very insecure, so this will come with a lot of challenges. This isn't about something new you could tell him because you have done an amazing job at saying great things, but he needs to be the one to deal and adress this because he is turning this relationship into a toxic one) Ive told him so much about what I think about it already. Any thoughts on what may help? What can I say? (I feel you have say what you can, the rest is up to him. It's okay to soothe him when he feels insecure, but when its a consistent thing is where boundaries should be placed. He definetly needs to seek therapy to deal with his past issues on order to feel more secure about himself)
@freshLight64 this is so thorough im impressed!
(to summarize) OP your boyfriend is not a bad person to be feeling the way he is, however he needs to communicate and get to the root of what's really concerning him! i have been on both sides of this situation and i hope it gets resolved
@vexy
I really do wish he
@gentleJet4512 And is he still bringing it up? If yes-then he's already repeating himself. Except..not any solutions, just the problem. Either way, if I were you I would say something along the lines of- Im sorry you feel this way about it, but there's nothing I can do to change my past. I've tried to talk about it with you in depth so you aren't worried anymore and you don't want to be more detailed about your concerns, so we need to move on from this.
Maybe a bit of tough love (and sticking with him to prove that there are definitely so residual feelings for your ex?) will work? Good luck xx
@freshLight64
Thank you very much for this! Its really helpful !
@gentleJet4512
This is just ridiculous. The fact you're trying your best to help him with his "vivid thoughts" says how much of a good person you are. Yes, you had an ex, many women in this modern age have exes too. I'm sure he had many, many, many, MANY sexual relationships with girls in the past. and I'm sure you don't have vivid thoughts about them.
The fact that your trying so hard and the fact that you have unconditional love for him should be all the evidence he needs to see you truly love him.
There's nothing anyone can do to help him, he just needs to deal with the fact that both of you had a past. Your boyfriend is no saint, he probably had many girlfriends before you.
If these vivid dreams persist, I would recommend therapy or counseling.
@someonewhocares67 My boyfriend actually hasn
