How to set a healthy boundary: Guide
hello my lovely relationship and friendship community! 
A topic that often comes up when we are dealing with friendships or relationships are boundaries. Boundaries are essential for relationships and friendships in order to get it working for both sides. But how can we set them?
I have found a great resource and put an easy guide for you together on how to set boundaries with someone.
1. Identify what you want from the relationship. Be overly specific and clear with yourself.
2. Identify what you do not want from the relationship. You can even make a list. What are the moments you have encountered with this person you want to avoid moving forward?
3. Ask yourself: how does this person make you feel repeatedly? What are reoccuring issues you are facing?
4. Ask yourself: What part do you have in this conflict, if any? Having understanding of what you are doing and clearing your part, or owning up your mistakes can help establish more confidence in asking for what you need.
5. Remember that asking for what you need is not rude or selfish. It is an act of self-love and the person you are communicating to as well. Reason being when someone is crossing a boundary with you resentment builds and hurts both of you over time.
6. Write out exactly what you would like to say. Be sure to adress: What you are feeling, What has led you to feeling that way, What you will no longer allow
7. Take out anything that isnt about your personal experience. Keep this about your truth. Take out anything that is based on projection not fact. Finally, take out anything that is not coming from a place of love (even if the person has hurt you).
I hope that this has helped you. Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Let us know!
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So far, over the last couple of years, boundaries have not been a problem. She dances, I never did. I am dancing with her now. I sing and play guitar, she hasn't. She is now learning to sing and play the guitar. Things that seem like boundaries just fade into love.
@AveryLove
Thanks so much for sharing... I definitely struggle with boundaries... Sometimes, I feel like I am suffocating and just want to write a great big
NO!
like yelling through the rooftops with no other explanation. I think that would feel very freeing! But I haven't done that! LOL... I just imagine myself doing it, because I struggle so hard with it. I am getting better though! Thanks for your post!
I notice I feel massively guilty when I say "No." This means in many ways I am unable to fully say "Yes" because there is always a part of me trying to avoid the pain of guilt.
I found these two ideas on boundaries from a coda website in Australia that were helpful.
"We cannot simultaneoulsy set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings.
"The most important person to notify of our boundaries is ourself." :)
@Flowingstreams
"We cannot simultaneoulsy set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings."
I'm not sure I agree. In chats (as a listener) I sometimes have to say something like:
"I understand that it matters a lot to you to feel you are chatting to a man, but I make it a rule never to reveal my gender here at 7 Cups."
I think it is perfectly possible to set a boundary and be respectful of another person's feelings, but it is not possible to set a boundary and be controlled by another person's feelings.
If you feel like you're suffocating, or you feel guilty, I would suspect that someone is trying to control you. Or perhaps someone successfully controlled you in the past and you are still haunted by the memory of it.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie Thank so much for your response :) Really appreciate your feedback! It's so much nicer to have conversation than to feel like I'm having a conversation in my head by myself :)
Thanks for reflecting the controversy of the statement,
"We cannot simultaneoulsy set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings."
I have struggled with the sentence too and trying to see if I really agreed with it or if it felt right. The quote is specificallly for codependents. Codependency means for me that I almost (knee jerk reflect) always take into consideration another person's feelings over my own, or someone else's problem over my own to a point it is dysfunctional for me. In other words, for me in the past, I can and often have dissolved my own boundaries and change who I was if it made another person more comfortable.
Yes, in normal circumstances, I always take into acount another person's feeling and set my boundary as gentle as I can. I believe this is kindness and decency, and I so appreciate when others set their boundaries gently. So I too can say no, by saying, "Thank you so much for inviting me... I am so honored... I won't be able to make it.... I hope you all have a wonderful time." In this, I am doing my best to be kind to myself and also the other person.
I don't interpret this quote as being so much about being kind, compassionate, gracious and thoughtful to the other person. I think it is about letting go of the other person's "reaction" to my boundary. And for me the focus is on their "reaction". Do they feel abandoned, angry, insulted, miffed, put down? I never have these intentions, but because we all have triggers, a person can react to boundaries if they are sunburned from PTSD even if I have the best intentions.
For me, this statement is addressing when I set my boundary, and the other person does not respect it (maybe not consciously), continues to push the issue, ignore the issue, or keep insisting for me to drop my boundary. I may attempt to say no many times, in very kind ways. I can make the "no" completey 100% about myself. "I'm not comfortable." "I don't feel safe." But if no matter how I am trying to say "No." if the person starts to pathelogize my boundaries as my not willing to be open, my not valuing them, or my not seeing them as important enough, or my not caring enough... etc." At some point, I will need to set my boundary and know that I cannot control the way someone else reacts or takes my boundary--"not taking caring of their feelings".
What I learned is, that I can set my boundary, but people can ignore it, and the trickiest part of a boundary for me is holding it. I can tell someone to stop! But the challenging part is if they don't stop! Then what?
And so the phrase, you cannot set a boundary and take care of another person's needs means to me, sometimes when I say---in the most kind, untriggering compassionate loving way that I can---- "No." I have no control over how the other person will respond or feel. The other person can laugh, shrug, or get very upset, try to manipulate, accuse, feel offended, abandoned. For me the phrase reminds me my number one job, and the only part I truly control is to take care of my boundary, take care of my emotions no matter how the other person reacts and that I am powerless over how someone else feels and how they reacts to my boundaries. That doesn't mean I don't try to be patient, understanding, compassionate... it just means if I try to control their reaction or their emotions and limit my expressing my boundaries because of it, I won't really be able to set my boundary, because I will be trying to control something I can't really control. I can't fix other's feeling. It's the first tenet in Codependents anonymous. I can only follow through with my boundary and take care of my emotions and do my best to be kind, loving, considerate, etc. with another.. and I also accept that their emotions as their own. This makes me okay and them okay too. And if they become upset, angry, feel betrayed I also accept that as authentically what they are feeling and it's okay. I do my best not to change my boundary to try to fix their feelings. Hope that makes more sense and is less confusing! I guess otherwise it could almost look like a cold unfeeling statement otherwise!
Any feedback on boundaries is so appreciated. I have studied boundaries, and struggle so much, it's refreshing to have anyone to explore it with me.
I am super excited because this last year, I can now feel in the moment, when someone says something to me and I can feel in my body that the answer is no. I used to just follow everone else, pretty much like a sheep and feel out of control and disempowered.
Thank you so much for your post @rarelycharlie. ! I so appreciate reading your various posts on 7cups and how kind you are to others!
And thanks for your feedback on guilt. I have been very easy to emotionally manipulate for a very long time, and am recently ---learning how not to be. My big button is "guilt" and feeling like I am not being a "good person." I've isolated my feeling into feeling into the body... shame... guilt...l(Brene Brown stuff). To me it feels like dirty tarry green goopey like the consistency of honey, dripping from the head, it pulls everything, the face, the shoulders, and the spirit down, because it pulls everything down, it feels like I can't breath, and thus like the life is getting stifled out of me. I think that's why I long to yell out....lol... to clear my lungs, and to hoist everything up and out like a giant purge out of the body. Right now, when I say no, I often just feel guilt and don't quite know how to get it out of the body. I've learned how to feel and release some emotions like anger, frustration, and to sit and just be with grief and sadness and allow myself to be held, but I just don't seem to know what to do when the guilt comes... and it almost always comes when I try to set boundaries... and it feels a little like I need to say no to protect my soul... but if I say no... I have to deal with feeling like I'm suffocating and can't breathe. Still learning...Thanks for listening! And your patience if you are still reading...lol....Any thoughts appreciated! Just feel a little less alone!
@Flowingstreams Ah yes, when there is codependency I agree with you.
It's true that you can't fix other people's feelings, and that in general you just have to accept that their feelings are authentic. Although unfortunately there are some people whose feelings are not always authentic, and this can be very difficult indeed.
The worst cases, I think, are people with personality disorders. For example, it is sometimes said that people who have borderline personality disorder often express genuine feelings that other people interpret as false and manipulative. And, conversely, it is sometimes said that people who have antisocial personality disorder often express false and manipulative feelings that other people interpret as genuine.
All of this, together with guilt, can make boundaries extremely challenging to navigate.
Charlie
