I cheated on my spouse of 12 years and we are in a rebuilding process
I committed infidelity on my spouse of 12 years, i need advice on helping her heal and dealing with trauma and intrusive thoughts. I also need advice on reassuring her when these intrusive thoughts come. I really hate myself
@Vuda
IMO cheating happens when a person has some underlying reason / need.... do you fully understand why you did and have you explained clearly to her... items that led you to temptation.
i was cheated on and when i got the full truth.............. some of it was because i was going through depression and anger issues and treated him like crap........ no NOT my fault .......he had a choice ....... but there were certainly things we should have done differently as a couple.
i see so many who look only as victim and the bad one.........the blame / fear of it happening again etc is just keeping the wound open
in reality the issues that break down a marriage are a joint project........... being honest keeps everyone aware of the health of the relationship.
I had a really similar situation and am going through it right now and would love to talk about it
As someone who is still trying to heal from the trauma of infidelity. I can say that healing will not come over night, it won't come in a month or even a year. I am going on almost 3 years and I'm still healing and working through the trauma and severe PTSD. Those intrusive thoughts will be there a while if not always, and all you can do is be there and listen with all the empathy in the world. She's blaming herself, and if her self esteem was already on the fritz, it's shot now. I mean put yourself in her shoes, she was the one that cheated how would you feel. What would you need to heal.
You need to sit with her, and ask her what it is she needs from you to help get past this. If that means complete access to your phone, fine give it to her.
You also need to do some self reflecting yourself, and really get down to the why you cheated. And I don't mean the easy oh if my wife did this, or stress excuse. Because you and her are in the same relationship with the same stress and she didn't stray. So the reason as to why you did, needs to be figured out without blaming her or using her as an excuse. Really take a look at what it is that pushed you to follow through. Because cheating doesn't just happen, there's build up, communication and ultimately a decision to do it. And until you figure out the why, you can't promise it won't happen again.
But ultimately what she needs right now in compassion and understanding and a lot of patience. It's going to be a long ride until she's healed and trusting again. And you need to be ready to stick it out.